Seven years ago today.................

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Seven years ago today.................
16
Sun, 09-02-2012 - 8:56pm

The journey began. Seven years ago today the children and I left South Carolina to head towards New York to start our new life. It took us three days because I stopped to see a friend. I still remember the fear I felt as we drove down the highway. I was scared that he would catch up to us and run us off the road!! So much has changed in seven years and I am so glad that we took that risk. Two weeks before we left I remember going into the office of the shelter we were at. I couldn't decided if we were staying in South Carolina or moving to New York. The shelter would pay for bus tickets to NY but wouldn't help me get there in my van. They also would help us get into a place if we could afford it. I told the kids if they helped us get into a place then we would stay. I walked in the office and was told we they would help us and I said something like no thank you we are going to NY. The day we left we packed what we could in the van and on top of it (brought a cloth canvas thing for the top of it) and went to my friends to get the cats (only could catch two of the three) and off we went. I do not regret the trip and am so glad we left and started a new life.

Sorry I have been MIA around here. I have been dealing with a lot of memories popping up and I am not liking it. I will try to catch up on the board this week. (((HUGS))) 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 9:36pm

April, I remember well when you left.   I remember too how scared you were to make a run for freedom, how much you questioned whether you were making the right decision or not for you and for the kids.   I'm sitting here with a HUGE smile on my face... knowing you have grown sooo much in the last 7 years... and knowing that you have emerged from adversity, like a butterfly breaking free of a coccoon, as a strong and confident woman who will never go back.  Love ya girl... you've come a long way and I am very proud of you. 

Hugs

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 8:51am

Yes; I agree with you and would love to add that most of the time what I have learned is that dont we survivors appear to be so hard on ourselves? I find that survivors including myself are so hard on ourselves. I mean we will pick our own selves apart and have guilt for making one false move or mistake and smack we are back to square one.

I would love to have a new mantra that states.. Dont be so hard on yourself? We are strong and we have survived abuse which most people dont or dont get that chance or opportunity. My journey like you guys has been long and hard but heck AS THE SONG GOES I AM STILL STANDING BETTER THAN I EVER BEEN..

Take Care

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Re: Seven years ago today.................
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:03am

~hugs~

I loved this!

Even though broken up from him, my "Abuser" still tried.

For my sanity, I moved...:smileyhappy:...

We LOVE it!

My ds and I...:smileywink:...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:35am

wow.. that is great and I see that you moved ..

So you are doing well and you are strong and lets not forget that..

At times I feel like I can move mountains on a good day because look at where I came from and look at where we survivors have been and gone through and are now.

Be proud and wear our survivor story proudly!! I k now I do when I am feeling sorry for myself.

Take Care

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Re: Seven years ago today.................
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:22pm

I am sick of seeing red flags every where. I really think I would rather be native to abuse and not see it everywhere. It causes me to act in ways I don't like at time and I am so over it. I want to put the abuse behind me but starting to think I never will. It rears its ugly head here and there. My oldest contacted my ex mil and it was an ugly experience. And that stupid witch lied again!! She said she didn't no how to contact us but she found the boards and read things I posted. She could have contacted me though the boards!! AHHHH!! Ok remembering to breath. Thankfully when she told my oldest this my DD knew better and told her so. I was so proud of how my dd handled her. But I had to step in and email the ex mil because she told dd that my ex husband is very sick and dying. I let her no that she had better not have lied to dd, that I hoped she had talked to drs to know it was true, and should tell dd what is going on with him. Part of me hopes he is and is suffering. I know I know I had put all this past me but right now with memories hitting me (they were before I knew DD contacted her over the way the ex boyfriend has behaved) I want him to suffer as much as we have! Yes not a very good day for me!! And I hate that I rent him space in my head but just sick of all the damage of abuse but I know in a day or two I will put it all behind me again and it will be OK. In fact the anniversary of my divorce is coming up =).

I do know none of this is my fault but I still wish it would stop popping up and catching me off guard!!


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Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:26pm

Thanks. I still wonder if I make the right choices but I know leaving was the right choice and do not regret it at all. I only reret not leaving before I did but nothing I can do about that now.


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Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:28pm

I don't know about all survivors but I know I am way to hard on myself!! I hate it but can't stop myself. I no longer need my abuser to tear me down I do a very good job o it all by myself at times (sigh). I like your new mantra and I agree. I am the first one to tell someone else how strong they are and not to beat themselves up and turn right around and beat myself up!! AHHH!!


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 11:48pm

A~, hon, ya gotta quit beating yourself up like this.  OF COURSE you are going to see red flags everywhere, but it's not because YOU are making them where none exist.  It's because they are EVERYWHERE.  Domestic abuse is a massive problem and, sadly, many people have some traits that can be construed as what we call red flags.  I have been friends with a guy for almost 38 years. He's a great guy and we keep coming back together, but there is no way in Hades I would ever consider even living with him, let alone marrying.  You're probably going to laugh at this but one of the things that just sends me into orbit is this t-shirt that he has.  Yes, I said a t-shirt.  He's a biker, rides a big ole Harley, and I've been riding for 40 years, so that we have in common, among other things.  But this t-shirt reads "If you can read this, the bitch fell off."  Of course, he knows better than to wear it anywhere around me, he knows about the abuse that I experienced, and he hasn't got an abusive bone in his body, but that shirt is a red flag to me.  It might not bother another woman who is deeper into the biker scene than I am, but it disturbs me.  When we first drifted back into each other's orbit a few weeks ago, he mentioned the shirt and I laid down the law about it right off the bat, and so far, he has respected my feelings about it.  Sometimes there are red flags, sometimes they're pink flags, sometimes they are just slightly pink.  So, being the mouth that I am, I bring them up, and depending on the reaction and/or conversation that ensues, it either becomes a non-issue or a deal-breaker.  In the case of my friend, I KNOW him and have known him for so long that it's a non-issue, as long as he doesn't wear it anywhere near me.  Granted, we're not a regular thing, far from it, and probably never will be, so it's not a deal-breaker.  This is where our boundaries come into play.  When we encounter something that we consider a red flag, we have to speak up about it and find out the truth behind it.  There are so many variables and circumstances.  I'm by no means saying to ignore those flags, but what I have learned is to listen to my gut.  Don't believe what I hear, or what I see, believe in MYSELF and what my gut is saying to me.  The gut doesn't lie, the gut doesn't rationalize, make excuses, or anything else but tell you the absolute truth.  And after years of abuse that so many of us have faced, I think the hardest thing to recover, once we have left the abuser in our lives, is our trust and faith in ourselves and our own good judgement.  I'm so glad you broke it off with the bf.  He was not good for you and I saw you going backwards the more involved you got with him.  I'm sorry you're hurting over this change, but call it what is is:  AFGO.  Another Freakin' Growth Opportunity.  Hang in there, quit beating yourself up and move forward.  I know it gets lonely and there are times when it seems like all we want is a decent guy in our lives.  They are out there, but I've discovered that if you just sit back and relax and focus on your life and raising your kids, the right one will come along.  LOL, I just thought about something.  There IS such a thing as Mr. Right and also Mr. Right NOW.  When I run into a Mr. Right NOW, I just enjoy it for what it is and don't get all wrapped up in it.  Call it practice, getting back into the swing of things, whatever.  I've found out that I am pretty okay with Mr. Right NOW instead of Mr. Right.  I may never receive Mr. Right, and as long as Mr. Right NOW is working for me, I"m going to let it work.  Of course, no Mr. at all is also fine with me.  But then I've been out since 11/14/99, so I've had plenty of time to work through this.  LIterally twice as long as you, and lots of counseling and therapy.  I know this was kind of rambly and disjointed, but I hope it helps you to see that you're doing just fine.  So you see red flags everywhere.  That's not a bad thing.  It means you are aware and not looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, but with your REAL eyes.  Hugs, A~, I know this ex-mil mess has got you all worked up, but, just like the ex - DON'T giver her that power!  Remember, she raised the abuser in your life.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 6:36am

Nope no laughing I wouldn't like that shirt either. For me its jokes about sex that sometimes send me over the edge. I have to remind myself it is just a joke and the person saying it means nothing by it and it is OK.

I told the last ex boyfriend that he was doing things that reminded me of the ex husband and he didn't like that. I tried to explain I wasn't comparing him to him and I don't think he is abusive, even though I do wonder if he is emotionally abusive but even then I don't think he means to be it was him running scared but how many times do we excuse away abuse? He didn't like that being compared to the ex husband but that was how he was acting. Now he is acting in typical abuse fashion by saying all the right things and I want to believe him but it is so hard to after all I have been though. But the second thoughts are there with me wondering if he is just saying what I want to hear or if he is really telling the truth or not and I don't know what to do. I asked for time but it typical abuse fashion that is hard for him because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me. I really wish he had thought of that as he was moving in!! I have talked to people he knows and they believe him ones who told me to run before. A friend of mine that is normally a pretty good judge of character talked to him the day we were all at the state fair and she believes he means it and she is a survivor of DV too. I don't know!! I get so angry when I talk to him and then get mad at myself and my stomach gets upset (sigh). I keep wondering if he is my Mr. Right but I know what you are thinking and so do I. If he is my Mr. Right he will give me time to come to terms with everything and get past the anger. I will tell him that tomorrow. Right now I am suppose to be getting 48 hours of no contact but he sent me a text at 3:30, thankfully for him I sleep though those, to images in my facebook email, and tagged me in a facebook image about forgiving. I am waiting for the song to my email. If I hadn't suffered DV I would enjoy the attention but it is driving me nuts right now and I can't get him to understand that.

I upset him yesterday because I told him he took me for granted. I told him he thought I would always be there waiting no matter what he did. I taught him to think that way because it is true I was always there well now I am not and just maybe it opened his eyes? I have been told its time to go back to counseling but I don't have the time and really don't want to. As long as I can talk to out on here and with my friends I am good and get more out of that then I ever did counseling.

Ex mil got me upset by playing the victim and bashing me. My oldest told her to stop and how I have never bashed her. I haven't to the kids!! I don't even bash my ex husband. Yes my oldest refers to him as the sperm donor but she came up with that on her own and I tried to discourage that but she didn't care that is what he is to her and it is her choice on how she wants to see him. I am so tired of just taking crap from he that I had to say something and really w anted to be nasty but again for my children since one reached out to her I was nice but I am sure I will be the bad guy. But as long as she stops bashing me I don't care if I am the bad guy. I know she raised him and her emails reminded me of him!! My first thoughts were to tell her she sounded just like him but I was nice. Maybe she followed me here and will still see it =).


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 9:43am

Okay, I do see a big ole red flag flapping in the breeze over the bf.  Bottom line?  He has NO respect for the boundaries you have set.  None, nada, zip, zilch.  If he did, he wouldn't be sending texts or anything else to you.  And if he doesn't respect them now, when you have asked him to, to give you time to think and sort out, no, he doesn't deserve to have a place in your life.  That's the thing about getting more heavily involved with someone.  When we are deeply involved, we tend to relax our boundaries somewhat, and in this case, I'm seeing "if you give him an inch, he'll go for the whole mile".  Not good.  All the "honeymoon" talk is also troubling.  But in this case, I don't think it's an "abusive" thing, I think it's just a "guy" thing.  They just don't get that we want to hear the TRUTH, regardless of how unpleasant it is, not what they think we want to hear.  Hang in there, if you hear from him anymore, just ignore it, then once you have had your "space" and are ready to speak with him again, have the boundaries talk with him and tell him that he didn't respect yours and that it's a deal-breaker.  (You know what I mean, not telling you what to do.)  At least that's the way I would handle it.  Hope it helped.

Mama Harmony

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