Severe emotional abuse - Would you leave? How?
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|Thu, 08-16-2012 - 9:08pm|
I am a 29 year old woman who desperately needs advice.
I came here from another country to study, which is how I met my husband 7 years ago. He is 9 years older than me and has a child with another woman. I always had my doubts regarding him, but found comfort in being around him, since I had no family here.
I constantly made excuses for him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, I believed all his lies and his false presentation of himself.
After 2 years of dating I became pregnant and we married. It was during my pregnancy that his true colors started to show and he hurt me beyond words both on our wedding day and during our disastrous honeymoon.
He has always been insecure, jealous and controlling, but it wasn't until after the birth of our child that I realized how emotionally abusive he is. He is cold hearted, has no emotions and couldn't care less about me or my feelings. Whenever I feel so sad and hurt that I start crying he won't even look at me. He is mean.
Any of my attempts to connect with him are unsuccessful. They are met with ridicule, undermining, frustration or most often, silence. He is emotionally unavailable. Life with him is one long silent treatment. He refuses to speak to me or say anything to me for most of the day - for no reason at all. When I inquire about his silence it only gets worse. He refuses to have any type of conversation with me - especially ones that involve our marriage or our future. He never has anything to say to me. A couple of times when I've really tried to get a sentence out of him he's said " I have nothing to say to you", "I don't know what you want me to tell you". Questions about everyday issues are met with one word answers at best, such as "yeah". I have tried everything throughout or relationship to no avail. Even when it gets serious he refuses to care and just leaves the room or the house.
I am a great person with a great heart, and have always cared tremendously about his and our child's well being, yet he refuses to acknowledge any of it. To him I am the scum of the earth, the root of all evil. Everything that goes wrong is always mine or someone else's fault, he refuses to take responsibility for anything. He is passive aggressive and is always cursing at and badmouthing other people. He is always in a bad mood and does everything with unwillingness and resistance. He has hurt me physically too, even when I was pregnant, but it is the emotional abuse that has gotten out of control.
I have made efforts to make friends to no avail, partially because he is making it very difficult for me to have any social interaction or network. If I try to do anything after work I am automatically cheating and he is using our child as a weapon to control my whereabouts. He never believes I am where I say I am. He doesn't want me to speak to females either, as he is convinced I would cheat with them too or that they would talk me into bad ideas.
I used to be a happy person but as a result of his mistreatment I have been depressed for over 1 year. I don't have energy to do anything and he makes me feel very unattractive, unloved and unwanted. He might want his needs taken care of about once a month, but other than that he will not give me any physical affection. He won't look at me and never has anything to say to me. He ignores my text messages and phone calls for as long as possible. He is never happy to see me or hear from me. I am always an inconvenience to him. I can accept that he doesn't want me, but I find it very hard to accept that he refuses to have a constructive conversation with me after everything I have given him.
I am constantly trying to start over, trying to connect with him. I often ask him if he wants to do something, anything, but he is not interested and will not make any plans with me. He does not share anything with me and lives a separate life and keeps me in the dark about nearly everything. His only concern in life seems to be image - there is no depth whatsoever. He has no appreciation for me or for family.
I have tried to find explanations for his behavior - is it abuse, melancholia, aspbergers syndrome, narcissism or even all of it, but no matter what it is I find his behavior unbearable.
My only dream in life was to have a family and a loving, supportive husband. Our daughter is almost 4 years old and I would have loved to give her a sibling more than anything, but I can barely imagine myself with him much longer.
Some of the most difficult aspects of his abuse is that he doesn't trust me and doesn't believe anything I say - so he is making it impossible to have a healthy conversation with him - before even trying.
I have asked him many times what he wants and whether he wants me to leave - and eventually he'll say that he doesn't care and that I can do whatever I want, and that I will never be more than a one night stand to someone anyways.
I don't have any friends or family here so I don't have any support and nowhere to go. I do have a full time job but almost nothing in savings.
How do I know if it's time to leave and how do I do it? Will I be able to do it all by myself? Or would it be a bad idea to leave considering I have no one to lean on?
Thank you in advance for any advice.