Sex Abuse, RO and XMas
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| Thu, 12-22-2005 - 4:35pm |
It's been a while since I've written in, but needed to get to vent and maybe get some advice.
A couple weeks ago, my daughter told me that Daddy was still touching her even though I've been supervising the visitation. What a blow! Even when we're out to dinner he manages to get a feel in (my poor baby!!). She wouldn't admit it to the counselor, but fortunately did admit it to me. I told my attorney and we created a motion asking for emergency temporary custody orders giving me sole custody, forcing him to have supervised visitation and forcing him to get a hair follicle test. The motion included EVERYTHING: what Ashley said, what she's been doing that makes us believe it's molestation, his weird actions and his admitted drug use. This was the first time he or his attorney had ever seen all the accusations. It's the same attorney representing him for the criminal case for CPS (that's been moved to inactive because STBX won't go in to talk to them and all they have is Ashley's word). Until this time he and his family have not cared about my daughter, they thought nothing had happened and I was just accusing him to get custody. I don't know if he thinks any different now, but... At the time Ashley disclosed, I was still working on getting back together with him (I was one of those stupid ones who thought he could change).
The later the same night we finished the motion, at about 11:00 pm STBX called accusing me of going into the house and taking both of our yearbooks and his gun and he was coming over with the police to retrieve his items (he was yelling at me that I took his personal stuff). He 'knew' it was me because he had left money on the counter and it was still there. I hadn't been in the house in over a week and he walked me thru showing me what he had done so I couldn't have touched anything. He had accused me of taking those same items on a different occasion so apparently in Arizona we have a Yearbook thief who doesn't have their own gun and likes to leave money on the counter and comes back to take the same things. WARNING, WARNING. :)
He called me while I was at my lawyer's the next day and said he realized it wasn't me, but the house was a mess. I figure during one of his stupors he decided to tear up the house and didn't remember doing it.
On the same day as the temp orders were presented (the day after he called with the accusation), I applied for a order of protection. Both orders were granted by 2 different judges. His hair follicle test came back positive for cocaine. I haven't heard from him since, but still feel guilty for going for the RO since he hadn't been 'really' violent just a lot of phone calls. He did however park in front of a neighbor's house last week (after the RO) and drove around the block whenever anyone drove by on the street. At least my family and I figured it was him the next day and were comparing stories.
My issue now is I feel guilty because he hasn't seen the girls in a couple weeks and we're coming up on Christmas. And the girls are asking to see him. He can't find anyone that I agree with to do the supervising and the official court supervisors are booked. I've even thought about doing it with my dad just so STBX and his family can see them for Christmas and because I'm objecting to who he is recommending (because the people either don't know what happened or don't believe it did and wouldn't stop anything). I don't want to keep him from his daughters, but I want to keep them safe. Any suggestions?

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If he can't come up with anyone who will stop him molesting, maybe the chance to molest is all he wants.
Hon, if he's been molesting the girls for this long, keeping the girls safe and giving him access to his daughters may be mutually exclusive goals. I'm with the poster who suspects that he may only want to visit them so that he can get at them again. Don't do it unless and until you have a way to have them supervised 100% safely.
As to the RO, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just because he hasn't been psycho violent doesn't mean he never will be, and it sounds like he's been stalking as it is. (Did you let the cops know about the possible violation, BTW?) There is nothing to feel guilty about in wanting to be safe.
I cant IMAGINE your fury at the situation. Or the sadness. But your FIRST allegience, as you know, is to keep yoru dd's safe from him. Here is what i reminded myself the past month when i had to keep my dd from her father (NOT b/c of sexual abuse, but b/c of emotional abuse & suicide threats) - "IF anyone ELSE were treating her in this way, I would not think twice about keeping her from them".
All:
Thank you for your reminding me and giving me strength to get through this time.
My in-laws talked them selves out of the visitation (mostly my father in law because he is also an emotional abuser). We were going to do it at stbx's grandmother's house because we wanted a relatively neutral location and had it all worked out. Then I get a call later that same night from his grandmother that "the family" had talked and they decided that it just isn't going to work out (stbx claimed he knew nothing about it). It's their sabbath (they're seventh day adventist and celebrate the sabbath on Saturday), and she isn't going to be home and she isn't going to go home just for this. They haven't seen the girls since Thanksgiving (his grandmother hasn't seen them since Father's Day) and stbx hadn't seen them in 3 weeks. They messed it all up for themselves. Apparently seeing the grandchildren is not important to them. But then I knew that because they would go months without seeing them and we all live in the same town.
I tried to explain what was going on to his Nana and that I wanted him to be able to see the girls, but I wanted to keep my girls safe. Their comeback was "nothing happened to Ashley and your mother put it in her head and is coaching her". Ummm you can't coach a child to constantly touch herself and rub herself on things. Not to mention professionals are agreeing she has been abused because of her statements AND her actions not her statements alone. The CPS case is inactive, not closed because the police officer believes something happened, but doesn't have the physical proof to arrest him and he refuses to go in to talk to them. His parents have never even acknowledged that something happened to Ashley, they just want to blame my mom and me for accusing him in the first place. Anyway, after trying to explain to Nana what had happened she finally gives up because she doesn't want to hear the truth. My FIL gets on the phone and tells me to get off the phone before hanging up on me. They called me...
So we decided not to allow his parents to see them. They want to yell at me, they don't deserve to see their grandchildren. Who knows what they would tell them anyway. I do feel bad for his mother though. She's also a victim of DV and does what her husband tells her.
Anyway, I finally found a couple to supervise the visitation with STBX in their home. I laid the ground rules that the girls were not allowed on his lap, there was to be nothing between him and the supervisors (like a table or a gift) when the girls were standing near him, and the female supervisor takes the girls to the bathroom or changes the diaper. Everything worked out just fine. He did insist on giving me a hug while crying and left some presents for me to open from him including a china doll from a collection he has been giving me for years. That was hard to get...
Anyway, all worked out and moving forward he is supposed to have an off-duty police officer (hopefully female) supervising the visitations.
Thanks for your help and advice! And Happy Holidays!
Wow, novembersky, you see this really differently than I do. I don't see a woman who is tickled by an addition to her doll collection, but one who is saddened by being reminded of happier times, before all these troubles began--she said it was hard to be given the gift, not (I think this was your interpretation?) that this particular addition to the collection was not easy to find.
She feels guilty because these situations leave everyone with conflicted feelings. The children still love their father, even though they have to be protected from him; the father loves his daughters, even though he can't be permitted to be alone with them. She used to be married to him, and no doubt they loved each other very much. Now their whole world has shattered, and all of them are grieving for what they thought they had and what will never be.
It's a hard time of year to have to deal with endings and their aftermath.
Rebecca thanks for standing up for me! You've been such an inspiriation to me on this board! I haven't had to deal with a husband who told me and my daughters he never wanted to see us again, but mine would wait for the girls to call and blame me if they didn't. But you're candid way of dealing with things helps me feel stronger too.
November sky I also would love to tell him to go to heXX, but with the temporary orders I have to give him 2 hours a week supervised. It's basically what I was doing before the orders, but I discovered that even my supervision didn't stop it. The last time I did stand up to him and tell him he couldn't see them, he threatened to get them from their babysitters. That's one of the reasons I went for the temporary orders to prove they belonged with me and he couldn't take them from me even for a short period of time. Now it means that if I don't let him see them, I'm violating the order. I also sometimes have my doubts that it was him because I don't have the physical proof either and he denies it so plausibly (I know, an easy thing for an abuser, but still...). The things I go on to believe it is him is dd has never told me it was anyone else, she has always told me it was "daddy" whenever she does talk about it. I also have to deal with him and his family saying that nothing ever happened to her and we're coaching her. I hate that dd had to go through this and was also hoping it was just a story she was making up (after all she was only almost 4 when she first talked about it and she has a good imagination). Unfortunately she is displaying too many other signs that something happened.
I also have to say that I do still love him (as do many of the other abused women on this board), I'm just doing what's best for me and my daughters and learning to live without him. That's why it is hard to see him and receive gifts. Also, I wasn't 'tickled' to receive the doll, I said it was hard to get it because it brought back memories of better times. I'm trying to be strong and really hate him, but I'm not someone who can hate anyone. I've even forgiven my own brother for molesting me and I'm the one who went through it for years. BTW, my brother is not allowed to be alone with my daughters either.
I appreciate your position and my family has the same position as you. They can't understand why I can't hate him, but I was married to him for going on 10 years (together for 12) and until the molestation came out, I was hoping he would be one of the ones to change. I've always believed that marriage was forever. After the molestation was revealed and I finally accepted that he was the one who did it even though he still denies it, I also accepted that the marriage was over. Now I have to move on and do what I can. I also have to tell my daughters they can't see their daddy when they ask to see him, hear him tell me he still loves me (although the RO stops that now), feel the hatred from his family and hear my family lectures.
I just want it all to be over, and all our lives to go back to normal or as close to normal as can be.
Valerie
This is exactly how I feel and thank you too for helping to explain my feelings!
He can make me feel so guilty because he calls to tell me how he loves his daughters very much and wants to see them and the girls keep asking to see him. If I refuse he threatens to call the police to force me to let him see them. He even throws in the tears crying about how much he loves me and our daughters. I don't want to hurt him or my daughters, I just want to protect them. If I bring up the molestation, he gets angry saying he didn't do it and he can't believe that I even think it is him. Since he hasn't been arrested, I can't even throw that in his face to prove it.
Giving me the doll was a form of manipulation for him. He knew it was going to bother me, that's why he gave it to me.
It is really hard to see an end to a relationship no matter how bad it eventually gets (as I'm sure most everyone here knows). And to have the added devastation of molestation makes it harder to move on because you have to deal with the after effects of that as well.
I hope no one else has to go through this. What you are going through is bad enough...
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