in shock
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| Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:58pm |
i have never thought that I would be inan abusive relationship. I am strong and i don't take crap from anyone. "If a man ever laid his hands on me I would send his #$@ to jail. Well I take it from him. it's been 5 years now (married less than 1) and i have been continuiously put down, things in the house have been broken (mainly mine), he has cheated on me twice (one produced a child)and finally last week the wouldn't let me leave the house and tried to choke me several times. And where am I, still there.
I have told him that I was not going to take this and if he doesn't get help/we go to counseling that I am finished. But do i leave no. I am still there. He's nice for a couple of days and then he blows up over the littlest things. I do know who is going to come through my door anymore. he tells me that he has no where to go but he had somewhere when he left me a few months back. He has not contributed any money to the household (except health care). I live in the house b4 we got married and he moved in with us nd now he says that he doesn't have to go and i can't make him. Which is true. I have missed the opportunity to get a restraining order and he has not choked me since.
I am ashamed of myself and I have no one to go to because, get this, I don't want anyone to think poorly of him. I should have called the police and after I escaped had ample opportunity but I didn't want to damage his future. I know that none of this is my fault and that I cannot change or control him. I work, make as much money as he does, take care of house and home and he dosen't hold the financial strings.
If I sit there and take it I get "oh so now you don't want to talk" and if I ay something it turns into a fight. I am scared of him. He calls and tells me that he loves me and then in the same conversation he tells me that he hates me and F%#@ you B@#%$. Then gets home and wants to hug and kiss me.
I don't think I have mentioned this be he is bi-polar and was diagnoised when he was 16 (12 years ago) he not taken any medication and will not go to counseling.
I am in a living hell and what worries me more is that it is a horrible atmophere for my daughter. I have signed up for counseling and hopefully that will give me the strength to do something.
I guess I really don't have a question i just need people to talk to. Like i said it is embrasing to me if my family ever found out they would say "No way she wouldn't take that form someone" or " she is stronger than that I am suprised that he's not in the hospital" I am completely alone in this.
Thanks for listening,
All talk no action
(Marriedin2004)

The fact that he's bipolar, refusing to take his medication and get into counseling is really a moot issue here, IMHO. Statistically, less than 1% of abusers change permanently and for the better.
I'll tell you like my dad told me prior to my leaving my abusive XH:
"When you get to the point where you're *completely* fed up, you'll leave and no one, and no words or amount of pleading will be able to make you stay."
Stop talking about leaving and JUST DO IT.
You're a smart woman. Now go do what you need to for yourself and your daughter. Even if you don't feel like you can do it for yourself, do it for your child. She's depending on you to provide the best upbringing possible for her in a good, peaceful and loving environment.
All the best,
Heymum
Hi hon, welcome -
You are in a situation many of us have been in.
CL-Blueliner4
"I have never thought that I would be in an abusive relationship. "
Now that you are, get yourself and your daughter away from this monster.
You know what you have to do. Talking to people about it is fine, but it's not going to "hopefully" give you strength and it won't fix anything.
You say you are in a living hell. Imagine your daughter's hell. You must be able to say you are a good mother, this means to get rid of him.
Do what you have to do and don't wait a minute longer. You can do this and you must.
How you're feeling now is how I felt about myself 7 years ago.
You need to get past your feelings of shame and remove this parasite from your home and your life. It can be done, I'm living proof of that. Going to a shelter does not mean you will lose your home. It will keep you safe while you get a restraining order and get him removed from your home.
Use the information on this site and start planning. Do not tell him anything.
Bipolar is no excuse. I am a registered mental health nurse. Too many people use mental illness as an excuse for bad behaviour, IMO, making the stigma worse for others. Ilness does not remove people's basic personalities. I've nursed plenty people with Bipolar and other illnesses who are not violent. He is not taking responsibilty over dealing with his symptoms, is he? That's not your problem. What is your problem is the safety of you and your daughter.
In the meantime, please keep posting. There are many wonderful people on this board who will understand and support you.
I have SO much to say & cant type fast enough.
1st off, NO, you did NOT "miss the opportunity for a RO" at all.
Thank you all for responding. I appreciate all the advise. We are renting and my name is the only one on the lease. I talked to him again on Friday and I told him that I am not going to live like this and it would be better for him to go. I told him I was afraid of him and suprisingly he kept his cool. I told him about all the things that he has said/done to me and what a horrible enviroment it is for everyone. He sit calmly and listens. Well he packed somethings but still hasn't left. he doesn't seem to understand that us just trying to make it work is not going to solve the problem. We obviously cannot do it by ourselves. I told him that I am not willing to try unless he leaves the house and we go to counseling. I am not going to live in fear of his moods. BTW he has never done anything around my dd but i know she feels the tension. Sometimes I think he is only there to be with her and he is not her bio-dad. I know that this is only the begining and I have only taken a small step but at least I took one right?
I know that being bi-polar is not the main issue he has problems with women and grew up in a dysfunctional home. But not being on meds is a contributing factor. He seems to be willing to go through life feeling down but i am not. (that sounded stronger).
Thank you all I am sure that I will be around for a while but hopefully it will be with this getting better not worse.
>>>Thank you all I am sure that I will be around for a while but hopefully it will be with this getting better not worse.<<<
You may think you made a step because you 'talked' and he supposedly 'listened'... but he's still there! --- nothing changed! He knows he can treat you any way he wants because you don't DO anything about it. Talk all you want and hold on to false hope all you want but nothing's gonna change until you mean business.
Bottom line is that HE CHOKED YOU and he is still there. All he has to do is sit there and pretend he's listening?
You force your little girl to live with a man who chokes her mother and you aren't doing anything about it. You may think she merely 'feels' the tension, but trust me, she feels a whole lot more.
You are choosing an abusive, abrasive, crappy man over your young daughter. You are choosing to live in hell.
Take advantage of this opportunity and kick his butt OUT.
You have been with him long enough to know that nothing gets better, that it only gets worse. Counseling does not work with men who are abusive. NEVER.
Take action and stand by your word.
Tell him to be out of the house by Thursday night. On Friday night, take her out for some ice cream and tell her you love her.
Please, marriedin2004, no more chances for a man who chokes you.
Please re-read your first post.
All the girls here support you, but I don't think anyone can support the idea of you staying with him. :)
Elysium Wow! That was a slap in the face. Unbelievably I am more willing to fight with you than him at the moment. But I hear ya and I got it. You're right he was not listening and all he could talk about was how he was hurting and how he was not getting the things he needs from me and how i was not trying to do things for him blah blah blah. I actually explained to him again that I did not trust him not to hurt me again and that I did not feel safe and he still cannot step outside of himself to see.
At this moment I am looking for somewhere for me and my dd to stay until he leaves or I find another place. I have left all my wordly possession and took only what i can carry. I have contacted the local womens shelter and they are all full so i am looking for a hotel room. Unfortunately I have $40 and $60 on my credit card. That will last me a couple of days and hopefully I find something else. I found a room for $41.50 a night with my AAA discount. I will have an extra $100 if I don't pay my utilities but I don't want my pets to die. I have looked at the requirement for an RO/PO and i do not meet them so there is nothing I can do that way. I do have a copy of a partial threat that was left on the answering machine but again a partial threat is not a threat. Basically, "I you pull any of your crap I will (dead air)". According to the law he is going to have to hit me or threaten me a couple more times before they will do it.
So that's that. I have left the home that i have just paid rent on and am wondering if I will have to send my daughter to relatives while I sleep in my car. Isn't life grand.
Contact your veterinarian in regards to your pets.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi Miss Married,
I'm so proud of you. I read your post and re-red the entire thread and I don't have enough words to express how impressive you are. Most of all, you are going to look back on this and be so proud of youself... oh my gosh...
The cool thing about what you've decided to do is that people will help you. There is nothing more respectable than a woman with resolve who has chosen to leave a jerkhead and is doing it. No one can argue. And, because you know you're right, there is no question about it.
As usual with these things, there are practicalities.... Of course, you have many options.
I think it's a fabulous idea to have your daughter stay with relatives - mom has some things to take care of, after all :) As for the doggies, blueliner had a great idea about calling your vet - quite possibly someone in the office or the vet himself can take the dogs for a while. If you explain that you are concerned for their welfare and are ending an abusive marriage (explain briefly), often times people are more than happy to lend a hand. Tell them you need their help and always over-predict the time you may need it. If the vet is unable to help, call some shelters in your area and ask them if they can.
Here are some more ideas in addition to blueliner's.
Call your local police and sheriff's office and tell them what you're doing and why. Tell them you have a plan and ask them if they know of places you can stay. Also call some of the local hotels in your area and ask the manager if they will put you up for free. (a woman I know did this and it worked) You may also ask to stay with relatives.... remember, you're doing something about this so take no guff from anyone who gives you any... one thing doesn't work, do another. If you perhaps end up staying in your car, park it right outside the police station!
You have a little bit of footwork to do, but you can do it!
I'm curious... what area are you in? If you'd like, you can email me. I might be able to help you if I happen to know someone in your parts.
alvaboardsurfergirl@yahoo.com