Should I apologize?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Should I apologize?
4
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:55pm

Hi,

I just found this board today because I need some help handling a situation with my husband.

This morning, he discovered that I had used his old shoe-shine brush to clean a stain off the carpet. In one second, we went from a peaceful morning to him screaming and yelling about how I don't respect his things, I shouldn't use his things without asking, he doesn't use my make-up brush to clean the toilet, etc. He was yelling so loud I was worried the neighbors would hear.

As usual, in these circumstances I do not fight back. I apologize for whatever he is angry about, then try to stay as quiet as possible and wait for it to blow over.

He left the bathroom (where I was standing in a towel) and went into the other bathroom, where he poured my coffee down the sink. Then he came back to the room where I was still standing and smashed my hairbrush against the door so it broke in two. Then he proceeded to break my toothbrush in two, throw my container with cotton balls on the floor, smash the light bulb in a little decorative lamp and further smash the lampshade, and kick an award I had received from work that was sitting against the wall, shattering the glass in the picture frame.

I got dressed as fast as I could, and left saying only "good-bye". He replied, "What, no hug? No kiss?" but I did not want to go upstairs and spend the hours I was sure were needed to resolve the argument. Plus, I was afraid and wanted to leave. As I left, he walked out on the balcony and told me not to bother coming home.

He is meeting me at work today for lunch (this was pre-arranged before the fight this morning). When he called to confirm, I apologized again for using his shoe shine brush, and he explained (more calmly) why this was wrong and why it upsets him when I use his things.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I wanted to make sure I accurately described the situation. Now my questions:
1. I was wrong for using his shoe shine brush, but he way overreacted to the situation. Is this correct, or am I crazy? Usually (not always) when he gets angry, it is because of some careless but non-malicious act on my part. His reactions are beyond what is called for by whatever I did, however.

2. When I apologized for the shoe shine brush on the phone, he was calmer, but he still was self-righteous and didn't admit to doing anything wrong himself, much less apologize. If you asked him, he would probably say that I caused the fight and that we were both responsible. I don't think this is true. I was wrong, but he caused the fight itself, and he should apologize for acting that way to me. Once again, I think I am right here, but I feel that when I talk to him, I will not be able to stand my ground on this.

3. How can I ask him to stop treating me like this without making him angry again? Can I make him see that this is not right? I can promise and try not to do things wrong, but I will never be perfect. I will continue to do things he doesn't like. He needs to learn not to break my things, yell and scream, and hit me when I make mistakes.

Any advice is very appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:42pm

Hi and welcome -


You can apologize, but it's not going to change the situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 3:50pm
You asked How can I make him stop treating me this way? The truth is you can't make anyone do anything. This applies to all people all the time. Not just abusive ones. You can't make anybody do anything.If you realize this now, it'll save you a lot of wasted time on this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:13pm
You sure can't make him do anything. If he truly believes that he is right (which they all do), he will not see a reason to change himself. He will however, see a reason to change YOU. In his mind - it is ALL YOUR FAULT (which it is definately NOT), whether it is something you did on accident, something you just forgot about, or whatever. A normal man might whine a little about the misuse of his shoe shine brush, maybe even ask you to pick up a replacement the next time you're at the store; something like that - but certainly a normal man would not react the way yours did, a normal 10 year old would probably not react that way. You have nothing to apologize for. The only reason you should apologize is if it keeps you from getting hit or treated even worse, and then only apologize because you need to buy yourself some time to come up with a plan to get away from this loser. Make sure you remind yourself that what you did was a simple mistake, the kind everyone makes every day; and you don't deserve to be punished for it.
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 12:09am
He is not a dog you can train. He is an adult who is choosing to make you feel like an ant for doing something like that. What persay would he have done if you had left the stain on the carpet? Hitting you is never an option. Hitting another person is never an option. My ds got it(meaning a long tyrant from mom how you don't ever hit another person and stood in a corrner and a longer chat about why you don't hit other people) tonight for tapping his sister. There is never a good enough excuse for that not ever. If there were a magical training center for guys like this we would have this board we would just send them off. That place does not exsist and he won't change till he wants to and if you need to stay quiet and tell him your sorry to not get hit then by all means stay safe however you don't have to deal with this.HUGS and Prayers to you dear. and they all think that they are justified a common personality flaw with these guys.>Jo