Should I apologize?
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| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:55pm |
Hi,
I just found this board today because I need some help handling a situation with my husband.
This morning, he discovered that I had used his old shoe-shine brush to clean a stain off the carpet. In one second, we went from a peaceful morning to him screaming and yelling about how I don't respect his things, I shouldn't use his things without asking, he doesn't use my make-up brush to clean the toilet, etc. He was yelling so loud I was worried the neighbors would hear.
As usual, in these circumstances I do not fight back. I apologize for whatever he is angry about, then try to stay as quiet as possible and wait for it to blow over.
He left the bathroom (where I was standing in a towel) and went into the other bathroom, where he poured my coffee down the sink. Then he came back to the room where I was still standing and smashed my hairbrush against the door so it broke in two. Then he proceeded to break my toothbrush in two, throw my container with cotton balls on the floor, smash the light bulb in a little decorative lamp and further smash the lampshade, and kick an award I had received from work that was sitting against the wall, shattering the glass in the picture frame.
I got dressed as fast as I could, and left saying only "good-bye". He replied, "What, no hug? No kiss?" but I did not want to go upstairs and spend the hours I was sure were needed to resolve the argument. Plus, I was afraid and wanted to leave. As I left, he walked out on the balcony and told me not to bother coming home.
He is meeting me at work today for lunch (this was pre-arranged before the fight this morning). When he called to confirm, I apologized again for using his shoe shine brush, and he explained (more calmly) why this was wrong and why it upsets him when I use his things.
Sorry for the long explanation, but I wanted to make sure I accurately described the situation. Now my questions:
1. I was wrong for using his shoe shine brush, but he way overreacted to the situation. Is this correct, or am I crazy? Usually (not always) when he gets angry, it is because of some careless but non-malicious act on my part. His reactions are beyond what is called for by whatever I did, however.
2. When I apologized for the shoe shine brush on the phone, he was calmer, but he still was self-righteous and didn't admit to doing anything wrong himself, much less apologize. If you asked him, he would probably say that I caused the fight and that we were both responsible. I don't think this is true. I was wrong, but he caused the fight itself, and he should apologize for acting that way to me. Once again, I think I am right here, but I feel that when I talk to him, I will not be able to stand my ground on this.
3. How can I ask him to stop treating me like this without making him angry again? Can I make him see that this is not right? I can promise and try not to do things wrong, but I will never be perfect. I will continue to do things he doesn't like. He needs to learn not to break my things, yell and scream, and hit me when I make mistakes.
Any advice is very appreciated.

Hi and welcome -
You can apologize, but it's not going to change the situation.
CL-Blueliner4