should i attend this funeral? exs mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
should i attend this funeral? exs mom?
2
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:31am
my ex's mom passed away tonight. I knew her 25 years. She was just a miserable soul from her years of abuse from her husband and from her children, but she was overall very good to me and my children, the best way that she knew how.

I have not seen her in about a year, due to the conflict between ex and I, but now I dont know what to do.

They are not having any viewings for this woman, and are going straight onto a one-shot funeral everything all in one day.

Its a mess. My son is in rehab 2 hours away, so I will have to go get him, because this is his grandmother. I do not know if I can handle seeing EX with new g/f of the past 4 weeks, who has moved in with him. This move in took place 2 weeks before he ONCE AGAIN begged me back and said he could never love another woman.

Upon calling my ex's house last week about my son health insurance (EX canceled it), the G/F, said What do you want" What are you calling MY house"" and then she proceeded to call me a terrible word, the four letter word that begins with "C" and ends in "T". A word that I cannot even begin to understand why people feel the need to use it. I hate that word.

Anyhow, i have known my ex mother in law for 25 years as I said, and I am afraid I will have great guilt if I dont go to the funeral. On the other hand, i am afraid of confrontation that will set me so far back in my recovery, and agitate my bipolar, to the point I dont know what to do. FEAR.

My psychiatrist had told me to only go to a viewing for about 10 minutes, give my sympathy to the family and then leave. I was okay with this. Not happy, but okay. Now there is no viewing and only a funeral.

What do I do????

I know I am damned if I dont go, and i am damned if I do go?

I am afraid they will never forgive me for the rest of my life and hold it against me if I dont go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:16am
Hi there,

I understand what you are saying about damned if you go or don't. Maybe you should go after the funeral to pay your respects to her. This way you can avoid a confrontation with your ex and his new gf. You can still pick your son up and take him so he can pay his respects as well. Im not sure if its a good idea for you to go. I think it will bring up old wounds and slow down your recovery like you mentioned. I have Bipolar too and I know how that can be. This is just my advice. In the end you can only do what is best for you. Just remember your heath and sanity is very important as well.

You mentioned you dont want people to think of you in a bad way for not going. But if you go after the funeral you will know in your heart that you did the right thing for yourself. And hopefully going this way will keep you from feeling guilt. The only other thing I can think of is maybe sending flowers to the funeral if your really worried about people thinking bad of you and still go after with you and your son. Make the card out from you and your children to the family. I would tell you who cares what anybody else thinks but I know you care. And I am the same way I would think the same thing. So this way it would take care of both problems. Hopefully this gives you some ideas and maybe you can think of something along with my ideas. Good luck and take care.

Melysa

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:28am
Hugs Zen. I am sorry to hear of your ex-mother-in-law's passing but mistikratz had a good idea, show up after the funeral and then you can say to her what you wish and not have to put up with what you will confront if you attend the service.

You are in enough emotional upheaveal over all this already, I'm worried that by being there during will bring you more than you can handle.

Do you have a close girlfriend who could go with you? Maybe having a safe-friend next to you they would keep their comments to themselves. And if they don't, you'll have someone to witness the remarks. Maybe your therapist could go with you if it's a woman,,,then she could get a first hand experience of them! Just an idea.

Pam you seriously need to get ahold of your BP disorder. Get ahold of it and get back to where you can make rational decisions instead of being in such a mess like right now. I also know that guilt is something that you've been raised with and now in your life is pushed upon you more. Well you also need to get ahold of yourself so that the "guilt" being pushed on you, you can let slide off without hurting you.

His whole family is going to lay it on thick no matter what you do. So personally, like mystikratz said, go after and have your own little time without them. And you will probably get far more closure if you can do this peacefully than in all that turmoil.

Hugs

ps I hope you're journaling all these remarks being said to you!