should I feel bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
should I feel bad
14
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:30pm
I saw my husband last night to pick up the girls. We talked and he started crying. He was telling me he just felt like a big waist of space and he feels like there is no need for him to be here since he doesn't have his wife and kids. I guess the girls Crystal that he was screwing told him she couldn't be his friend anymore because her feelings would get in the way and another girl he was talking to won't talk to him so he feels like he can't keep anybody. I admit I tokk the bait and feel bad for him. Over the weekend I guess he stayed drunk and that got him through. I want to work things out, but it can't be done in this town. I am just so torn between my husband and the guy I am seeing. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:00pm

Having sympathy for his situation is OK, but when it starts to cross the border into you trying to take the blame for something that's not your deal or you want to "fix" the problem for him,

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 4:12pm
I know deep down that he is the one who caused most of this but I can't help but feel like I had a part in it. If I haden't fallen for someone else, maybe he would have never touched me and we would be together. He was trying so hard at the end to make things work and all I could think about was this other man. Now that I am with the other man, I realize how much I love my husband. I still can't say I am totally IN LOVE with my H, and I guess that is what's stopping me from going back. Can a person love two people, is that even possible? I love this other man for everything he has done for me and my girls and for how caring and passionate he is, yet I honestly don't think I can give him the love I used to have for my husband.

I am also wondering how to go about telling this other man my feelings without hurting him. He is very emotional and concidering I live with him makes things harder, since I have no where to go just yet. Any advice, anyone? Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 4:55pm

Here's how I've looked at this in the past:


It's possible to love a lot of people, but our love is displayed in different ways.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:04pm
Hi girley...I have to tell you that it's been so difficult watching you being jerked around by so many external issues.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:38am
Thanks so much for your insite into my situation. I know everything your saying is right and each time I speak to my husband, I remember things about him I don't like. His drinking, for instance, he has been getting drunk almost nightly and I am so over the whole alchol thing with him. I know he uses our situation as a reason to get drunk. I wish things could have turned out better.

Last night started out pretty rough and then turned out to be great. My husband called me up and asked me to meet him for a few min and I stupidly said okay. Well, I waited for about 15 min and he didn't show and wouldn't answer his phone so I had a gut feeling about where he was so I drove by Crystals house and of course, he was there. I called his phone and told him to never call me again. I know, I shouldn't have even called him, but I was so mad. He called me back and tried to explain himself. Anyways, he started telling me his neice was trying to hook him up with one of her friends and trying to make me jealous. He ended up hanging up on me and I didn't call him back. I got home and Kevin wanted to go get a haircut so we went to the mall and to dinner. We all had such a good night and I didn't think of John at all. I can see a future with Kevin, if I can get John out of my head. Kevin is everything I wished John could be. He gives me affection all the time, something my husband never did unlee I asked.

This board has helped me so much to deal with this whole situation. If not for this board I probably never would have left. You all continue to help me see the light and hopefully I never subject myself to his abuse again. I realize more each day that it wasen;t my fault. I know no matter what I did, it doesn't give him the right to put his hands on me.

We go back to court on March 2.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:58am
Hun, I am going to straighforwardly tell you something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:14am
I know I have to stop. Yesterday was the end. I make a promise to all of you. I promise I will not drive by her house anymore. I know it only adds to my problems. I just erked me yesterday because he was the one who called and asked to see me. I know I shouldn't have agreed to it. I do have caller ID and starting today I will let it go to VM and if it's important,I'll call back. I realize how good I can have it with Kevin last night. We had such a good night. There was no stress or fighting. I have to give Kevin a chance and I know that. I would kick myself if I let him get away. I actually have talked to friends I used to have. I was never allowed to have my own friends while I was with H. He would always make excuses why we couldn't hang out with MY friends. It's nice to be able to have a life outsiide of him. Kevin wants whateverf is going to make ME happy. He is not the slightest bit selfish. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:35pm
Christina, I sure hope it's not too late already. Seems to me, from what you said, that your H called and wanted to meet you and then did not show or answer his phone, knowing full well that you'd drive by. Why? So he could get the evidence he needs to screw you with a stalking charge. If this happens, you will loose and have no one to blame but yourself.

You seem so worried about which man to pick? Well, your H is bedding his little piece of a$$ and calling you and standing you up.(probably gathering evidence or at the very least laughing at you as he continues to control you) And Kevin? If this guy is as nice and together as you say, he sure is not going to stick around much longer with someone who is acting as selfish and immature as you are acting right now.

Grow up and show a tiny partical of self control. How do your self indulgent actions benefit anyone? What kind of an example are you setting with this childish behaviour.

I am not saying this stuff to hurt your feelings. It really seems you are not listening. You seem to prefer to play the "poor me, I can't pick between my men" game. It will cost you and everyone you claim to love.

Please, please listen to Blue. She is right on! I hope, for everyone involved here, you STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE ABUSER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:51pm
Susan,

If you aren't trying to hurt my feelings, then WHAT are you doing? I am not playing the "poor me, I can't pick between my men game" as you say. I am with Kevin, but after being with my husband for 10 years it is hard to just let him and all our good times go. I come on this board to vent and get advice not b&%$hed at. As long as I have been posting on this board, never have I seen a post like this accusing people of playing games. My life is anything but a game. And, I do listen and take everything to mind that everyone says. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 4:09pm
Christina, I am very sorry I've offended you and perhaps "games" was a bad choice of words, on my part. I am very sorry.

Honey, the point I was trying to make, however tactlessly, is that you seem to be moving so quickly between these men, in your mind and heart, that you are going to get yourself in a world of trouble. And you are prolonging this pain for yourself. You seem extremely confused, and that is very understandable given your situation. The choices will you make today, mold your future.

My thought is that it would benefit you to just STOP and think about what is best for you and how best to handle your responsibilities. Not as in, which man do you want most based on your "feelings". Not even in terms of which man is logically better for you. You should try to figure out what would be best for you if you had *neither* man?

If you focus on you. Figure out what you need to do to take care of you and your responsibilities, you will not have to spend all this effort searching for your answer.

I believe your answer will come to you. But to do this, you need to get yourself off this rollercoaster and out of the mine field.(by no contact)



I was with stbx for 12 years and got in a new relationship very quickly after. I did not have any second thoughts about going back to stbx but, I still had an enormous pile of emotions and issues about leaving him. It was very hard to get through them while still in contact and being emotionally, psychologically, verbally and financially abused by him. It affected my new relationship a lot. When I think back to that time, I'm surprised my bf even stuck it out. It did not start to get better until I stopped talking to stbx. I went to NO CONTACT with the only exception is email about visitaion times. Even after a year of this. There was an incident a couple weeks ago, about our son. I emailed him and insted of emailing, he called me. Do you think he could stay on the issue? NO, within 5 minutes I had been called names and basically told that this was all my fault and that I'm a looser, etc, etc. I hung up. You'd think, after all this time, it wouldn't effect me. The conditioning is deep and I spent along time shaking off the insults and second guessing myself. Finally I had to ask bf's opinion because I allowed stbx to make me doubt mine. He agreed with me but, pointed out that I'd let stbx do it to me again. No contact, it's the only way.

I hope you accept my apology. Keep looking up^, Susan.

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