Should I Stay or Should I Go? (LONG!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Should I Stay or Should I Go? (LONG!)
16
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:26am
Well, here's the issue. My husband and I just got married mid last year in Hawaii. We had not known each other very long, so it was sort of an impromptu wedding. This was not my first marriage, unfortunately, so you'd think that I'd learned my lesson by now. We were happy, or so I thought, but since the wedding, things have gone sour in a lot of ways. I'm now at the point where I can't take much more. I need to know what I should do.

All I heard all weekend was how fat I am and why am I getting so fat. He kept reminding that I just have no willpower to work out and become "thin". He also made the comment that if I get too fat, "he'll just have to leave me, that's all". He says he's tried all he can to get me to lose weight, but nothing he does, works. I am beginning to wonder if on a subconscious level, I am intentionally gaining weight to either a. make him leave, or b. out of spite because I think he should love me regardless. I apparently am not scaling up to meet his expectations and I do not do even 1/10 of what his mom does for his dad. Gee, no pressure? Of course, he doesn't see the pressure he's putting me under. Hell, maybe the stress I feel on a daily basis is causing the weight gain. I just feel myself slipping into despair and I wish God would intervene and make this difficult decision for me. God also knows that if he finds out that my parents ever advised divorce to me, he'll try to keep me from talking to them. He thinks that that would show that they didn't "support" us and they were giving me the simple, "American" way out. He also so kindly reminded me that if we get divorced, it'll be MY "track record" that will look so bad. I also told him that I will NEVER get married again. How could I ever? It's pretty obvious that I cannot make the right decisions for myself. I am incapable of choosing the right mates for my life.

He originally suggested that we work out separately, me over at the gym within walking distance of work, and the one over where he works for him. He said he wasn't getting anything out of his workout when he goes with me, because he has to "babysit" me when he goes with me. I'd much rather go by myself so I don't have him staring at me so, I was totally up for that! I thought it would be so much easier for me, but no, he changed his mind. He said I'd collapse if I was on my own and my mom would never quit yelling at him if that happened. After he said that he thinks I am at least 190 lbs (which I don't think is true) which I had to show him by lifting up my shirt so he could see "how fat I've gotten" and seeing the disgusted look on his face, I've got to do something. Do all husbands comment on your weight like this too? I got so frustrated at him this weekend, that I suggested a trial separation, though for him it would be useless, since he'd only miss me for like a week, and then he'd be over me. I have to ask myself if I really would be in any better physical shape if I went back home. I know I'd get back on my anti-depressants ASAP and that would help me drop a big chunk of this extra weight, but I can't get on them again if I'm with him up here.

We don't have kids or anything (because they're just a "burden", according to him), so I know it would all be basically paperwork if I am forced to go that route. I really don't want to, but I'm at that point that I'll do it if I have to. I think he is too. At this point, he doesn't care what his parents say since they aren't here and they don't know what they're talking about. Every time I think it's going good, I "screw up". As I said, he hasn't seen the iron burn, so that's going to cause a big stink, I know it, even if it was an accident. Whatever I decide, I'm going to have to take a long time, because once I make my decision, there's no going back, EVER! I mean, do I really want children with a man who is only doing it out of obligation? I want to be a wife and mother, but I think it's beginning to look apparent that maybe it won't be with Max. I'm not really doing anything for him anyway. Forget about me helping him get his greencard, because he doesn't really care about that. Aside from that, he doesn't think I'm really doing much to help him or for him. Maybe we're just too different culturally and otherwise to properly work out. I don't know yet. I am not ready to make that decision yet.

My only real option besides staying is going back home and living with my parents for awhile. He thinks if I do that I'm going to go back like a loser, but he also would take the same option, so what does that make him? We've only been married for about 10 months and no kids of course. We don't own property or anything jointly. If I were to go back, I would be assured of a roof over my head, a car, and I could possibly be able to take classes again to further my education. If I stay, I have a roof over my head too and a job, but living in a house where I'm afraid to say anything to my own spouse. The smallest things I do wrong are severely criticized and I am called "stupid" and "dumb". I've been called an "educated illiterate". He talks about how other women he knows are smarter and that I should be taking pages out of their books and becoming more like them. He even had the guts to tell me that I was becoming spiteful and vicious and that I'm not the sweet girl he met before!! I told him that maybe it was something he was doing wrong and of course, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at all!

Do I give it some more time, like at least up until a year and make a concerted effort to lose the weight, or do I save myself the time and energy and go back home? I appreciate any inputs I can get. Thank you for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:26pm
The sad thing is that his issue now is your weight. Next it will be something else. Even if you lose the weight, he will find something else to criticize you for. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it's probably best to get out now. Don't beat yourself up for picking bad guys. Remember it's his issues, not yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:39pm
Thanks for the concern Mel. It's something I've thought about myself for quite some time now. I was married before and that didn't work out and now looking back on it, I was 10 times happier with my ex than I am now. I just think I'm probably better off without him, but right now, I don't have the proverbial cajones to make the move. I'll keep this posted though.

Mona

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:58pm

The problem isn't the weight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:36am

Welcome to the board, butterflygirlmona.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:42am
Well, I appreciate your candidness and concern. I decided to go home and visit my family for a couple of weeks to clear my head. I just got here today, so I want to see how I feel when it's time to go back. I will keep the board posted and let you all know how it's coming along. Thanks again and it certainly is nice to know that I have friends out there!

Mona

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 12:34pm
Hi again all! I'm still at my family's house and I've really enjoyed being with them. Unfortunately, DH has called me 2-3+ times a day, every day that I have been here to either see what I was doing or to tell me how bored and lonely he is. I had flown down last weekend for my two week trip and his co-workers suggested that he drive down here to see me and then bring me back home 2 days early! I just knew that he'd try to cut my trip short and not let me have those two extra days with my family! I realize that he feels alone in this country, but why deprive me of my own family? One major reason why I've hesitated in making the decision to break it off is some legal obligations that we have right now. If I leave, then he doesn't get what he needs to stay here. He's said many times that if I leave him, he'll just go back home. The general consensus of my family is that I just leave now, before it gets worse. Oh, and every time I bring up something he's said, he just says "Oh I was just joking! I can't believe you took it so seriously!" or "Why are you making me out to be the villian and you're the victim?"

My mom tends to think that it would be a miracle if he changed all that's wrong with him. I know I am to blame too for the problems we have, but I certainly don't think I am putting him through nearly as much "mental anguish" as what he makes it out to be. Oh, did I also mention he's been talking to his ex who is a paid escort??? And she was telling him how I ought to be? WTF?!?! He's been trying to control me since I've been here. Last night, I finally just had to tell him that if he was going to call me and argue with me, then I was just going to hang up on him, and I did. This was after he told me that I needed to be more mature and not give him all the "American niceities". See, I didn't call him night before last because I had gone out with my mom and we came back real late and since Friday was a working day for him and they're an hour ahead, I decided it was too late to call him. Apparently, this was "fake" consideration and he'd appreciate it more if I was more like that at home!!! That's when I had had it and I hung up. Well, that's the update for now. I am due to return back there in 6 days and believe me, I'm dreading it. Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 2:00pm

I need to ask a very important question.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:47am
No, he's not from a middle eastern country, but he is from a place where women (read: wives) are supposed to be kind of quiet and docile. I have given up quite a few things that I used to do for myself because he doesn't like it. I used to wear nice makeup every day and treat myself to having manicures with acrylic tips done in a nice french manicure style. He thinks those nails are "slut" nails and if I want to impress him, lose weight, not do my face up all nice. He's not impressed by appearances such as those. Since I've been home with my family, I've actually smiled and laughed whole heartedly, and in the beginning of my stay, like as soon as plane hit the runway, I felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted straight off my shoulders. Unfortunately, now that the end of my stay draws near, I'm feeling the bricks slowly being put back on. So many questions loom in my mind. Is it possible that he missed me enough to really not say those things to me anymore? Does he deserve another shot at this marriage? I didn't talk to him today, in part because we were pretty busy all day and also because I just didn't want to talk, since I never know where my conversations are going to go. He did apologize for being so rude the other night and the last conversation we had, he was pretty sweet. All it does is confuse me further. Is that the real Max or the one who is the mask? How long will it take before he's back to being rude and angry again? My mom thinks I'd be better off staying here and not going back, but she also thinks that maybe I should go back long enough for us to get some money together and then sneak off. Either way, he's probably going to be hurt and angry and just might show up at my family's front door, trying to charm his way back in. At the same time, he might also just accept it and go back home. So many questions, so much fear and anxiety in my mind. I just do not know if I am strong enough to really walk away since he's filled me with so so so much self doubt and second guessing.

As I've stated before, there are some legal obligations we currently have that will be greatly affected by my walking away and normally I would not want to leave someone hanging, but if I stay for those reasons, then it would be two years before I could go away from him and be rid of those obligations. I really do not want to board that plane, but do I really have any other choice? With the type of ticket I bought, if I miss that plane, then I cannot get another one or change it (Yeah those discount places are cheap, but man, you have to read the fine print!). I know the general consensus has been that I should walk away, but what if I don't really have a reason to? What if I really have misunderstood things he has done or said? Am I just going crazy? I really hope someone can make some sense of this for me! I need to make a serious decision no later than Thursday night! Thanks for listening all!

Mona

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 6:44am
Hi Mona,

Welcome to the board. I don't know if I misread this, but aren't the legal issues to keep him in the country? That's his problem. Don't even overly concern yourself with this matter. He sounds pretty resourceful and will find another avenue to accomplish his mission. Right now there are no children and you have already admitted how happy you are to be home. These 10 months have been hard enough on you, let alone setting yourself up for another 24 months. I know it's hard and he isn't going to let you go easy, but your life and well-being must come first. Another 24 months of fat, useless, etc. will only set you back that it will be even harder for you. Just imagine if you get pregnant..you will gain weight, let alone another responsibility that will keep you from breaking the ties.

It also sounds like you have a very supportive family and your mom is giving you some very sound advice.

No matter what the decision, we're here

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:16pm

Mona,


It really sounds to me like he married you strictly to gain access to citizenship to this country and probably has no intentions of either 1) staying with you after he achieves citizenship or 2) staying in this country after he gets it.

CL-Blueliner4

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