Should I Stay or Should I Go? (LONG!)
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| Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:26am |
All I heard all weekend was how fat I am and why am I getting so fat. He kept reminding that I just have no willpower to work out and become "thin". He also made the comment that if I get too fat, "he'll just have to leave me, that's all". He says he's tried all he can to get me to lose weight, but nothing he does, works. I am beginning to wonder if on a subconscious level, I am intentionally gaining weight to either a. make him leave, or b. out of spite because I think he should love me regardless. I apparently am not scaling up to meet his expectations and I do not do even 1/10 of what his mom does for his dad. Gee, no pressure? Of course, he doesn't see the pressure he's putting me under. Hell, maybe the stress I feel on a daily basis is causing the weight gain. I just feel myself slipping into despair and I wish God would intervene and make this difficult decision for me. God also knows that if he finds out that my parents ever advised divorce to me, he'll try to keep me from talking to them. He thinks that that would show that they didn't "support" us and they were giving me the simple, "American" way out. He also so kindly reminded me that if we get divorced, it'll be MY "track record" that will look so bad. I also told him that I will NEVER get married again. How could I ever? It's pretty obvious that I cannot make the right decisions for myself. I am incapable of choosing the right mates for my life.
He originally suggested that we work out separately, me over at the gym within walking distance of work, and the one over where he works for him. He said he wasn't getting anything out of his workout when he goes with me, because he has to "babysit" me when he goes with me. I'd much rather go by myself so I don't have him staring at me so, I was totally up for that! I thought it would be so much easier for me, but no, he changed his mind. He said I'd collapse if I was on my own and my mom would never quit yelling at him if that happened. After he said that he thinks I am at least 190 lbs (which I don't think is true) which I had to show him by lifting up my shirt so he could see "how fat I've gotten" and seeing the disgusted look on his face, I've got to do something. Do all husbands comment on your weight like this too? I got so frustrated at him this weekend, that I suggested a trial separation, though for him it would be useless, since he'd only miss me for like a week, and then he'd be over me. I have to ask myself if I really would be in any better physical shape if I went back home. I know I'd get back on my anti-depressants ASAP and that would help me drop a big chunk of this extra weight, but I can't get on them again if I'm with him up here.
We don't have kids or anything (because they're just a "burden", according to him), so I know it would all be basically paperwork if I am forced to go that route. I really don't want to, but I'm at that point that I'll do it if I have to. I think he is too. At this point, he doesn't care what his parents say since they aren't here and they don't know what they're talking about. Every time I think it's going good, I "screw up". As I said, he hasn't seen the iron burn, so that's going to cause a big stink, I know it, even if it was an accident. Whatever I decide, I'm going to have to take a long time, because once I make my decision, there's no going back, EVER! I mean, do I really want children with a man who is only doing it out of obligation? I want to be a wife and mother, but I think it's beginning to look apparent that maybe it won't be with Max. I'm not really doing anything for him anyway. Forget about me helping him get his greencard, because he doesn't really care about that. Aside from that, he doesn't think I'm really doing much to help him or for him. Maybe we're just too different culturally and otherwise to properly work out. I don't know yet. I am not ready to make that decision yet.
My only real option besides staying is going back home and living with my parents for awhile. He thinks if I do that I'm going to go back like a loser, but he also would take the same option, so what does that make him? We've only been married for about 10 months and no kids of course. We don't own property or anything jointly. If I were to go back, I would be assured of a roof over my head, a car, and I could possibly be able to take classes again to further my education. If I stay, I have a roof over my head too and a job, but living in a house where I'm afraid to say anything to my own spouse. The smallest things I do wrong are severely criticized and I am called "stupid" and "dumb". I've been called an "educated illiterate". He talks about how other women he knows are smarter and that I should be taking pages out of their books and becoming more like them. He even had the guts to tell me that I was becoming spiteful and vicious and that I'm not the sweet girl he met before!! I told him that maybe it was something he was doing wrong and of course, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at all!
Do I give it some more time, like at least up until a year and make a concerted effort to lose the weight, or do I save myself the time and energy and go back home? I appreciate any inputs I can get. Thank you for listening!

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Mona
Mona, when you do return home, please be VERY CAREFUL.
CL-Blueliner4
Max and I agreed to go our separate ways for sure tonight, but only after he closed all of our accounts and the credit card, so I do not have access to any money that I have earned. He said that he would give me whatever it was that I was owed AFTER he deducted all the things I had used the credit card for, including $250 for clothes he bought me before I left on my trip!!! I have one more paycheck coming in and that was supposed to go into direct deposit, but since he closed that account, it will bounce back. He told my mother that he had transferred all but $200 from the account we have to write checks on to his personal account (which still had my name on it). He thinks that he doesn't really owe me anything and that if my check comes through that he'll send it to me, but I'm not sure he'd actually do that. I will try to stop the direct deposit, but if I can't, then I might be screwed out of close to $500. I did find a cashiers check that I never cashed for $150, but that's all I have to my name now.
He's going to hire a divorce attorney and file the paperwork. He's told his boss everything that has happened in our relationship and his boss told him that I had been holding him hostage with the greencard issue and I had been putting him under so much mental anxiety that he didn't need it anyway! When I talked to him again tonight, he actually said he was still holding out hope that I'd come back to him!!! I told him that I loved him but that I couldn't live with him anymore. I know it's going to hurt, but I will eventually heal and move on with my life. I will keep you posted on what happens next, and if I actually see the money I'm owed.
MONA, CONTACT A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!
1) If it is a joint account, he CANNOT close it without your written authorization.
CL-Blueliner4
Mona
Hey Mona -
My XH also was the one who essentially ended the marriage.
CL-Blueliner4
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