Should I Stay or Should I Go? (LONG!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Should I Stay or Should I Go? (LONG!)
16
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:26am
Well, here's the issue. My husband and I just got married mid last year in Hawaii. We had not known each other very long, so it was sort of an impromptu wedding. This was not my first marriage, unfortunately, so you'd think that I'd learned my lesson by now. We were happy, or so I thought, but since the wedding, things have gone sour in a lot of ways. I'm now at the point where I can't take much more. I need to know what I should do.

All I heard all weekend was how fat I am and why am I getting so fat. He kept reminding that I just have no willpower to work out and become "thin". He also made the comment that if I get too fat, "he'll just have to leave me, that's all". He says he's tried all he can to get me to lose weight, but nothing he does, works. I am beginning to wonder if on a subconscious level, I am intentionally gaining weight to either a. make him leave, or b. out of spite because I think he should love me regardless. I apparently am not scaling up to meet his expectations and I do not do even 1/10 of what his mom does for his dad. Gee, no pressure? Of course, he doesn't see the pressure he's putting me under. Hell, maybe the stress I feel on a daily basis is causing the weight gain. I just feel myself slipping into despair and I wish God would intervene and make this difficult decision for me. God also knows that if he finds out that my parents ever advised divorce to me, he'll try to keep me from talking to them. He thinks that that would show that they didn't "support" us and they were giving me the simple, "American" way out. He also so kindly reminded me that if we get divorced, it'll be MY "track record" that will look so bad. I also told him that I will NEVER get married again. How could I ever? It's pretty obvious that I cannot make the right decisions for myself. I am incapable of choosing the right mates for my life.

He originally suggested that we work out separately, me over at the gym within walking distance of work, and the one over where he works for him. He said he wasn't getting anything out of his workout when he goes with me, because he has to "babysit" me when he goes with me. I'd much rather go by myself so I don't have him staring at me so, I was totally up for that! I thought it would be so much easier for me, but no, he changed his mind. He said I'd collapse if I was on my own and my mom would never quit yelling at him if that happened. After he said that he thinks I am at least 190 lbs (which I don't think is true) which I had to show him by lifting up my shirt so he could see "how fat I've gotten" and seeing the disgusted look on his face, I've got to do something. Do all husbands comment on your weight like this too? I got so frustrated at him this weekend, that I suggested a trial separation, though for him it would be useless, since he'd only miss me for like a week, and then he'd be over me. I have to ask myself if I really would be in any better physical shape if I went back home. I know I'd get back on my anti-depressants ASAP and that would help me drop a big chunk of this extra weight, but I can't get on them again if I'm with him up here.

We don't have kids or anything (because they're just a "burden", according to him), so I know it would all be basically paperwork if I am forced to go that route. I really don't want to, but I'm at that point that I'll do it if I have to. I think he is too. At this point, he doesn't care what his parents say since they aren't here and they don't know what they're talking about. Every time I think it's going good, I "screw up". As I said, he hasn't seen the iron burn, so that's going to cause a big stink, I know it, even if it was an accident. Whatever I decide, I'm going to have to take a long time, because once I make my decision, there's no going back, EVER! I mean, do I really want children with a man who is only doing it out of obligation? I want to be a wife and mother, but I think it's beginning to look apparent that maybe it won't be with Max. I'm not really doing anything for him anyway. Forget about me helping him get his greencard, because he doesn't really care about that. Aside from that, he doesn't think I'm really doing much to help him or for him. Maybe we're just too different culturally and otherwise to properly work out. I don't know yet. I am not ready to make that decision yet.

My only real option besides staying is going back home and living with my parents for awhile. He thinks if I do that I'm going to go back like a loser, but he also would take the same option, so what does that make him? We've only been married for about 10 months and no kids of course. We don't own property or anything jointly. If I were to go back, I would be assured of a roof over my head, a car, and I could possibly be able to take classes again to further my education. If I stay, I have a roof over my head too and a job, but living in a house where I'm afraid to say anything to my own spouse. The smallest things I do wrong are severely criticized and I am called "stupid" and "dumb". I've been called an "educated illiterate". He talks about how other women he knows are smarter and that I should be taking pages out of their books and becoming more like them. He even had the guts to tell me that I was becoming spiteful and vicious and that I'm not the sweet girl he met before!! I told him that maybe it was something he was doing wrong and of course, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at all!

Do I give it some more time, like at least up until a year and make a concerted effort to lose the weight, or do I save myself the time and energy and go back home? I appreciate any inputs I can get. Thank you for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:04pm
Here's the update: Max called this morning and said he wanted to know if it was ok if he went home to his parents for awhile in July/August. I told him it was fine with me, but that I thought he should go alone. I told him he needed time alone with his parents, as I have taken the time with mine. He then asked me honestly if I saw a future with him. If he actually had to ask me that, then the answer was probably already there. So I think we've agreed to go our separate ways and I will return back to the home we share in order to get things settled. He will probably stay there for awhile until he can get his own things in order. I imagine that he'll go back home and stay there. Eventually his parents will arrange something for him and he'll settle down with a nice girl who's more like him. I will return back here and try to get my feet on the ground. I imagine I'm going to go through a little pain and a few tears since it's never easy to break it off with someone, no matter how they are. I wish we could have worked out our differences, but I think the ones that we have are just built into his foundation and not something that can be changed. I will miss sleeping next to someone and being close with my husband and I'll even still love him, but there's only so much I can take. I will speak with him later and we'll finalize some details that we have and I will keep the board updated as I can. Thank you all for being such a support to me and I appreciate all the kind words that I have received.

Mona

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:27pm

Mona, when you do return home, please be VERY CAREFUL.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 3:35am
Well, Update - Part 2:

Max and I agreed to go our separate ways for sure tonight, but only after he closed all of our accounts and the credit card, so I do not have access to any money that I have earned. He said that he would give me whatever it was that I was owed AFTER he deducted all the things I had used the credit card for, including $250 for clothes he bought me before I left on my trip!!! I have one more paycheck coming in and that was supposed to go into direct deposit, but since he closed that account, it will bounce back. He told my mother that he had transferred all but $200 from the account we have to write checks on to his personal account (which still had my name on it). He thinks that he doesn't really owe me anything and that if my check comes through that he'll send it to me, but I'm not sure he'd actually do that. I will try to stop the direct deposit, but if I can't, then I might be screwed out of close to $500. I did find a cashiers check that I never cashed for $150, but that's all I have to my name now.

He's going to hire a divorce attorney and file the paperwork. He's told his boss everything that has happened in our relationship and his boss told him that I had been holding him hostage with the greencard issue and I had been putting him under so much mental anxiety that he didn't need it anyway! When I talked to him again tonight, he actually said he was still holding out hope that I'd come back to him!!! I told him that I loved him but that I couldn't live with him anymore. I know it's going to hurt, but I will eventually heal and move on with my life. I will keep you posted on what happens next, and if I actually see the money I'm owed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:47pm

MONA, CONTACT A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!


1) If it is a joint account, he CANNOT close it without your written authorization.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:09am
Well I guess in answer to this question of should I stay or should I go, my answer is I went. Actually he decided that I said that I didn't love him anymore and I wasn't coming home (none of which I said) and he is going back to where he came from. He sent out this little email to all his friends (apparently including me) saying his email had changed due to life changing events. Whatever! I think the translation is life changinf events = "My wife left me". I knew he'd make me out to be the "bad guy" and I guess it's just something I need to live with. I will be alright eventually, but it's going to take awhile before I am whole again. Thank you to all of you who gave me some points to ponder and the courage to know that I could do it. I will keep you all posted.

Mona

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:22pm

Hey Mona -


My XH also was the one who essentially ended the marriage.

CL-Blueliner4

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