Should I tell her

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Should I tell her
2
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:53am
I posted here a while back about my relationship with my mom. If you don't remember, she blows up over something small and refuses to speak to me for months. She was abused as a child and has a really hard time dealing with her emotions now. This is the second time she has done this to me within a year. I haven't heard from her for almost two months now.

My questions is - My husband and I are beginning the process of adoption due to infertility. Should I email her and let her know that this is going on or not share the news with her since she obviously is not interested in talking to me? Also today is her birthday. The last time she ignored me for months was over Christmas and I didn't even get so much as a phone call from her. Should I be the bigger person and tell her happy birthday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:02pm
I have the same relationship with my mother. I lost my father 1 year ago suddenly and it changed all of us forever but her the most. She is now the most selfish person I have ever met and my husband says she has always been that way and I never realized it. My father was the glue of our family. Now everything is falling apart. She didn't come to my son's 6th b-day party b/c she went out of town shopping for the weekend. She gave me his present and said tell him I said happy b-day. She told me she could keep my kids anymore if it were going to be longer than 1 hr. I told her how all these things made me feel and her only answer was I'm sorry. She still acts the same way. I distanced myself from her for a while b/c I decided if I don't talk to her, she can't hurt me. SHe recently approached me and said she was tired of playing these games. In the back of my mind I still don't trust her. My husband gets mad at me for letting her back in time after time. He won't have anything to do with her and wishes I wouldn't. She is still my mother and I love her very much. We used to be really good friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 6:43pm
Hi, denise. My mother is still punishing me for things I did in the 3rd grade and doesn't want to hear ANYTHING about my life. NOTHING, not about my job, my lovelife, my friends, my health, if it has to do with me, she's not interested. Your mother has a problem, as does mine. We love our mothers but we can't let them poison our lives. I love my mother but she will never change.

My non-expert opinion is to not go fishing for misery by making a special effort to tell her. It's your life, you are in charge of it. Telling your mother is not an essential step in achieving the goal you've set for yourself, it's extra-curricular. If, during the process, she stumbles upon this knowledge, tell her what you feel comfortable telling her. But don't tell her out of a sense of obligation and guilt as if you are still a child that has to report to her mother or get her mothers approval.

Distancing yourself from your mother does not mean you don't love her. It just means you care about your own mental, emotional and spiritual self enough to distance yourself from her disfunctional ways.

Good luck to you. Hugs, Joyce