Should I try to get him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Should I try to get him back?
6
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:55am

Will an abusive relationship ever change?

My boyfriend left me on my birthday, this last friday august 4th...It hurt me so much because I didnt even get to see him face to face to ask him to stay like many times before. The 2 years we were together there were a lot of arguments, I think more than any regular couples...then there was the great times, which I keep thinking about since he left.

The second year of our relationship, the arguments got more physical. The first time he hit me he gave me a black eye. I dont think he meant to though, because he was a bit scared. But since then, the hitting got worse and became kicking and him hitting me with his fists. Everytime he hit and still today I feel like I deserved it. I was not a saint all the time, I did hide a lot of things from him, like talking to other guys on emails. But, I knew that I never wanted to leave my bf for anyone else because I loved him so much.

Now since he's gone Ive been thinking about all the fun things we did together and the nice things he did, I think no other guy would do things like wait for 2 hours at a salon for me to get my hair done or anything like that. He was also a very sensitive guy. The thing is though, he never apologized for him hitting me, and I never wanted him to. I usually apologize when he would hit me.

So, my question is, or what Im trying to justify in my head that its ok that he left is.....do u think he would ever change, do u think he would stop hitting me? Do u think he would stop calling me names like slut, bi**? Do you think he would ever trust me again? Should I continue to try to email him and try to get back together? I know that if he does come back to me I will willingly accept him with open arms, and Im afraid that might not be good for me.

Any responses will be appreciated. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 6:07pm

Hi,

This sounds like my past emotionally abusive relationship. I have since moved on about a month ago and I feel great! I realize that my Ex will NEVER change even though he always says that he will change over and over again. Sounds like the same thing happend to me on my birthday. My b-day was July 1st - he never wished me happy birthday, he was being a jerk switching the whole day around on him saying that I never thought about him at all... etc. it was a horrible day!! and at the end of the day after he swore at me and yelled at me and called me really mean things he decided to cry and say his sorry over and over.... I have since then decided that he will ALWAYS do that!!!!!!

You need to stay far away from your Ex. He will never change. You DO NOT deserve to be physically abused - nobody deserves to be hit or kicked no matter what they did. It is not your fault. They have really screwed up minds. Always switch it around and never take the responsibilty for anything. Abusers will never change!! You probably had some wonderful times together, just like all relationships.... but there was probably a lot of horrible times too. You probably hid the e-mails from other guy friends to not make him mad. I did the same thing too. He eventually found them while snooping on my computer and blew up on me! How is that my fault..? You were the one snooping around.

I have gotten some great advise on these boards..... so there will be some more responses coming your way. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:12pm

No, I don't think he will change, quite frankly. I say this even though I don't know him, because out of the nearly ten years this board has existed, ONE abuser has truly changed. ONE. Statistics alone are not with you, sadly.

Think about two things. Is it worth a black eye to have someone go to the hair salon with you? My husband does that sort of thing with me, and he's never given me so much as a paper cut. Men like that are not as rare as abusers would like you to believe. Second, the real problem here is that you still believe you deserved it. That is unequivocally NOT SO! A good place to begin would be by contacting your local DV shelter and having them hook you up with some counseling. This will help you come to terms with the fact that it was NOT your fault, and the rest will follow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 12:36am
i agree completely with the 2 PP....he wont change...unfortunately maybe 1 in 100 000 abusers will ever change in my opinion and i dont even think its a true change as much as masking their true selves....and you dont think any other man will wait in a salon for 2 hours? wrong there definitely are guys who will do that and treat you with the respect you deserve...not hit you or blame you for everything...i know how hard it is looking back on the good times and wondering if they were worth the sh*tty ones....but theyre definitely not...i've gone back many times in the past hoping the good would outweigh the bad and it never does....it was my birthday yesterday(the 8th) and i got a little sad because i remember the plans my DH and i had made earlier in the year for my 22nd birthday but then i remembered that the day probably would have ended up in a fight because i wouldnt have done something right(how i dressed, what i ate, wherei went) in his eyes...just try to remember that there are guys out there who ARE "all that and a Prada bag" as my friend told me the other day :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 10:20am
jvj...it's really important that you understand that physical violence is definitely used on purpose. It's used to force you to comply with demands, to keep you inferior and submissive, to punish, retaliate, that kind of thing. If he seemed scared the first time he used it it might have been that he was merely uncertain as to how you would respond. This is an extremely serious character flaw in him and not caused by you. NO ONE deserves to be beat up into compliance of anyone else's stupid, selfish rules. Also, it's not uncommon that abusers wait for their victims at places like hair salons, because that way they can keep tabs on them and keep better control of them. While it might seem like a nice thing to do, with an abuser, it's about having power over you and dominating you through monitoring what you do, who you talk to, and what is said. Please consider calling your local domestic violence program and get some counseling to help you sort through this and learn to love and respect yourself. He's not going to change, but you can and your life will be much better for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:46pm
I feel for you I really do. I know exactly what you're going through. My previous relationship was just like yours. I was with my ex bf for 3 years. He physically and mentally abused me. At the time I didn't realize the seriousness of the abuse. All I knew was that I loved him and couldn't live without him. I didn't care how he treated me as long as he was there. Anyway the relationship finally ended. Once it ended I was able to see the whole relationship. Needless to say my perception of the relationship changed. When you're in love with somebody it can cloud your judgements. That makes it hard to see things clearly. I think the break up was the best thing that ever happened to you. You should look at your entire relationship for what it is. Don't just focus on the happy times. Its never ok for someone to abuse you. You deserve better! I hope everything works out. Just remember your stronger than you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:46pm

HI,
Thank you to all who have responded to my message. It has been about a week since I posted it and all this time I was trying to think why it is ok that he left, and that I can go on living and learning from this experience and not to make the same mistake again. I did find out a lot of stuff since he left. The reason why he was so controlling and jealous and thinking that I was sleeping around with other people is he was doing it himself. I was looking at the phone bill and saw a whole bunch of the same dialed numbers on it. I went ahead and called it just to see who it was and it was a girl. I was not rude or anything, we actually talked a long time, but she told me everything they had done together. I was so appalled I felt my stomach getting sick..I always trusted him and believed everything he told me and believed him always where he to me where he was at.

Yeah, I know guys cheat all the time, but what makes me so angry is during these 2 years together he never worked. He's had 6 jobs the last year off and on. The funny thing is he didnt get fired from them, he would just leave them and claim that it was my fault because I always made him angry and stressed.. and blah blah blah...Anyways, I have so much anger and hurt inside me, it feels like a knife to my chest..Yeah, disrespect me by cheating on me with someone else, but even worse than that, which makes this so disgusting is what kind of morals or upringing does he have to go and drive girls in MY car, take girls in MY apartment, have sex with them in MY bed, and worst of all take them out to eat to expensive restraunts, with MY money. I dont mean to sound like im all that but honestly, everything was mine, he only owned his clothes and a playstation. I just think he's so disgusting and Im sooooo mad.....arghhh...i just want to yell so loud....How can he even have a heart or be human...Ironically, I pray for him, cuz hes always going to have a sad sad life..I do believe in God and I do believe in Karma, so hopefully both will work.