Should you tell them they're an abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Should you tell them they're an abuser?
6
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:27pm

My H and I are working on the divorce, but I haven't told him the 'real' reason why. I'm not certain he's aware that he is an abuser. He sees himself as normal (his stepdad is the same way so that's where he gets it modeling from).

Our counselor was going to slowly work toward explaining to him that he was an emotional abuser, but he quit counseling before we got to that point. She explained to me that if we just blurted it out he would get defensive and rebel. So I'm afraid to tell him.

He just can't understand why I want the divorce. Not to mention there is a spot on the divorce forms asking if there was domestic violence and I'm putting yes. He's definitely going to question that.

I want to tell him in case he is one of the 1% who can change (doubt it, but if he doesn't know he can't fix it). And I want to stop having to bite my tongue every time he asks why we're doing this.

So what's recommended? Tell or don't tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:23pm
Your counselor is right.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 4:50pm
Don't tell him. He'll only turn it around on you and call you the abusive one. I made this mistake myself and felt really stupid later. He's not going to change, so don't even worry about it. Take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 5:42pm

ITA.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:39pm

Chiming in! Definitely get legal advice on whether to check the box. I told my x he was an abuser the night before we went to court, because I just "had" to say it to him. He punished me big time, IN COURT. He does not accept a shred of responsibility for his brutality. Wishing you the very best of luck.

And BTW, if it's safe to do this, just answer his demand for reasons with "I'm through talking about it."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:09pm
I agree with the others here, don't tell him. I made the mistake of telling my H that he was being emotionally and verbally abusive. Now every time I don't agree with him, I'm told, "I suppose I'm abusing you again, you are such a victim". In a perfect world telling him would wake him up and make him realize what he has done, but, as we all know, life isn't perfect. Good luck to you.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 11:48am

Thanks everyone! I wasn't sure if it would help him or not. Sounds like it would hurt me more. In fact howdidi, now that you mention it, my H would probably say the exact same thing. He still brings up other things I have mentioned or done in the past to make me feel guilty.

So I will continue to bite my tongue, even when he's trying to manipulate me.

Thanks again!