sick of silent trmnt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
sick of silent trmnt
3
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:27am
Hi all....I've posted here before and you guys always help me find a way to mentally cope with the crazy marriage I am in at the present time. Every bit of sanity helps, right???? Well..here's the latest installment...
Over the weekend, my h went to a nearby town just to get away ( a no kid weekend). I called in sick on Friday to give us some extra time together. On Saturday, my mom called and told me my sister in law called my boss on friday to gather some names for a baby shower (i'm 7 1/2 months)..and she started blabbing about how h and I were out of town for the weekend etc,,etc,, After a while, she "says" she reallized he knew nothing about this little trip so she tried to cover for me (too late). When my mom called with this news I think I was UNDERSTANDABLY a little upset--thinking I was probably going to get fired (which would mean no insurance for the baby's birth)...I was visibly upset and he immediately got completely angry and started giving me the cold shoulder. When I asked about it after 20 minutes..He screamed at me and said "you've got to be kidding. YOU are the one taking out your problems on me. It's not my fault my sister did that. YOu have no right to treat me like crap. Here you go with your same old sh**t--It just never changes with you. You ruin every new experience, every trip..I just don't know why you behave the way you do." He then proceeded back to the hotel room and watch tv for the rest of the night. The next day, traveling home, he did not say ONE WORD to me and has not spoken to me since. I slept on the couch last night. I know that the ENTIRE incident will be switched around and "be all my fault" when talked about. I'm just sooooooooooo sick of all this. I'm starting to see through all this b.s.--FINALLY...What a sicko.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:38pm

Hello :)

Ahhhh! Why did he have to get mad at you when you were upset. There is a reason why you were upset and he couldn't even comfort you. I would be upset too thinking I would be fired and also having no insurance for when the baby comes.

"you've got to be kidding. YOU are the one taking out your problems on me. It's not my fault my sister did that. YOu have no right to treat me like crap. Here you go with your same old sh**t--It just never changes with you. You ruin every new experience, every trip..I just don't know why you behave the way you do."

This reminds me of my abuser so much. He is totally switching this around on you. You did nothing wrong. You did not treat him like crap. You were just concerned and upset about everything. He could not even comfort you when you were upset. You do not deserve this. You deserve to have someone that will comfort you when you are sad and will be there in happy times.

He didn't talk to you the whole way home. He wanted to get his way. He is blaming it all on you when you did nothing wrong. NOTHING! He doesn't get it. He really doesn't.

I want to tell you a story that is quite similar that I went thru. I wanted to travel to my hometown for Easter last year. My abuser wanted to come too which was fine, I wanted him to come. I had not been home for a few months and I wanted to leave Friday night, come back on Monday. He didn't want to do that. He didn't want to go for that long. He wanted to go Saturday morning and leave back to come home early Monday morning. Can you say a fast trip when I haven't been home in like 5 months! He ended up making me feel guilty because I wasn't thinking about his feelings at all and what he wanted to do. I see it now that he didn't think of me once when deciding our trip. He was so concerend about himself, he didn't care that I hadn't seen my family in a long time. The trip was okay when we were there. He sometimes would just sit on the couch and look sooo bored. He would say he is fine, but he looked sooo bored. He wouldn't ever want to do anything. That was hard for me. I wanted to see friends and go out and see people and visit. He wouldn't want to go to the bar becuase he didn't want to. He didn't care that I wanted to go and see people and visit with people I hadn't seen in a long time. It was always about him.. never about me. Eventually on Monday morning.. He got up at the crack of dawn and wanted to leave. I did not want to leave so early. Like can I have a nice breakfast with my parents before we leave?.. Nope, not on his clock. He was pretty much just standing there waiting and waiting. Put me in a really bad spot. I wanted to stay and visit with my parents for a little while longer... but nooooo. So we finally get in the car. I don't know why we were fighting. Probably because I didn't want to leave yet and he did. We ended up not talking the entire way home for 4 hours. It was a horrible trip. I was supposed to go to dinner at his parents that night, but I didn't go. I was so upset. I finally realize that he is the one at fault. I did nothing wrong. I was being myself.

Your situation most likely what I know will be turned around on you. It is not your fault. He is an abuser - his mind is backwards.

You really need to think about your options here. You do not want to bring in a child into your relationship with this man. It is very unhealthy for the child to be brought up in an abusive relationship. Please think about this hard.

It takes awhile to see thru the abuser. But once you do its like a light bulb goes off.. and it's like you finally get it!! It takes time to fully understand, But you do understand and you should understand that you deserve way better.

Good Luck. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:29pm

As I'm sure you know, this is simply more manipulation. (Are you sure that this was an accident on his sister's part in the first place? It's common for abusers to want their victims to be unemployed.) The emotional abuse is perhaps the most frustrating, because there aren't any bruises or other irrefutable proof that something is amiss to show others.

If you haven't already, check out the board website, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page. It discusses emotional abuse also.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:25pm

You had the right to be upset about this situation, it's no one's business but your own where you were going to be on the weekend. I can understand why you would have been mad.

You know what your H is trying to do? He is stuffing your angry feelings down your throat. He doesn't allow you to feel healthy, natural anger. He believes that because the situation doesn't affect him and that because he isn't angry, you ARE NOT ALLOWED to be angry in his eyes. That is how abuser's work, if everything is ok with them, then the person they are with (their partners) have no right to feel anything that is unpleasant (such as anger) to the abuser and his self centered world.

One of the things you need to know about abusive men is that they have unrealistic expectations and a distorted view of their partner. They have a messed up value system. the abuser looks for a completely selfless woman (as a partner), one that will serve him 24/7. Also when he is angry the woman has to be angry as well. When he is happy she should be happy as well. If he is happy and she is angry, then in his eyes THAT IS A HUGE PROBLEM. See the woman in his life has to live in his shadow, if she is strong and has a mind of her own, there is constant war. In the abuser's world, this is not acceptable. You shouldn't tolerate this.

My Ex was exactly like that, if a situation would happen, that I had the right to be angry at, he would say "Quit dwelling on that, you're like a black hole, nothing ever makes you happy, snap out of it, you always ruin everything!!" He sounds like your H.

Anyway he has no right to say what he said, he spoke to you in a degrading and disgusting way this weekend and you deserve so much better!

Are you starting to see that his behavior comes in cycles? He explodes at you and makes you sleep on the couch, you feel like crap inside, you feel lower than low, and then, like nothing happened, does he call you and say "I want to make this work" or "give us a second chance", does he say these things?

He's really heartless, you're 7 1/2 months pregnant and you have to sleep on the couch.

You deserve to be treated like a princess, and not have to put up with his s***.

Abuser's switch things around to be your fault, in their minds, they cannot be made responsible for anything. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

I hope you don't think I am being mean. I just want you to see the truth. I know its hard, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years.

Have you looked on the website? What do you think?