Signs of abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Signs of abuse?
6
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:09am
Hi this is my first time posting. But I have been reading other posts for about a month.

ever since coming to this discussion board and reading the articles on ivillage. I have been suspecting that my husband might become verbally/emotionally abusive.

He talks down to me, and after he says all he has to say. He says "YES?" and i have to say yest to him for the conversation to be done (I cannot say ok or alright). If i do something wrong he reminds me about what i did for about the next hour. there are many times where I somehow end up appoligizing to him, when he is at fault. The other night when he was talking down to me, and baggering me i tried to walk away and he grabbed my wrist hard, so i could not go. But I pulled hard and freed myself. He asked me if i was mad at him, and I said that he hurt my wrist. He looked at it and said " oohh let me see did i leave a mark? Oh, there are no marks. You are fine. " He seems to feel that I overreact about everything, and that there needs to be a mark for my feelings to be legit. And I ended up somehow appoligzing to him! He also grabs my wrists hard when he is playing around. this makes me very uncomfortable. I have confronted him about how he can get soo upset with me and talk down to me. he didnt have anything to say. so i guess i will wait and see if he has changed. I also tell him to not say shutup to me, he thinks it is rediculous that i get upset about this.

Well i could go on forever. this only started once we got married (eight months ago). His father was abusive to his mother in everyway, and he witnessed it. and there are even more people in his family that are verbally/emotionally abusive. So I was wondering, are these actions warning signs, or am i just overreacting? will this get worse? I have heard things like, the abuse gets worse when you have children (we do not have any yet, and i really dont want to have any with him).

Thanks for reading my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:03pm
Hi there,

I am fairly new to this Board myself but based on everything I've read, heard, and experienced myself, I would say your husband is definitely showing signs of being at least emotionally abusive, if not physically. Your marriage sounds like how mine started out and now I am desperate to escape from mine!! It only got worse as time went on, and yes, it did get worse when we had a child. Just the fact that you feel like you don't want to have a child with him is a sign. I didn't feel that way at first but now I am worried about something happening to me and my son being left to be raised alone by my husband. That would be horrible! My husband is so demanding of my son, he is so hard on him and has ridiculous expectations of him. My husband gets mad at my son for the slightest little thing and throws "fits" (there's no other word to describe it!) that are every bit as immature as the actions of my four-year-old! It is so ridiculous to watch. I am constantly intervening between the two of them because otherwise my son would just be yelled at, ridiculed, and possibly even hit all the time. So, you are probably wise to feel that you don't want children with your husband!

I don't know how strongly you feel about trying to stay with your husband but if you are thinking about leaving, it will be so much easier to do it now, before you get any more deeply involved and end up having a child or something, which would complicate things a thousandfold! Of course, if you are in love with him you may not be to the point where you are ready to leave, and if that is the case you may want to try individual counseling. You will need to find a way to deal with everything he is going to dish out. I just don't want to see you end up like I was - hopeless, depressed, having totally lost my sense of self and my sense of worth. You did the right thing by posting on this Board, at least you are recognizing the signs early on and doing something about it! Keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:07pm
Hi,

Thank you for your post. I am at a place right now where i am really confused. I have been keeping my mom posted on things that happen and how i feel. She is ready to get me home once i say the word. but I am not ready yet. The other weekend he had been drinking with friends and when i woke up the next morning he was gone. I called his friends cell and found out they went to new orleans (5hours away). I was so mad, and thought he would be coming home that night. but he never showed up and never called.. when he eventually showed up sunday. I explained to him how it made me feel, he said sorry, and his excuse was that is was "spur of the moment", and he said "well, theres nothing i can do now". I also gave him a letter confronting him about how he acts towards me when he gets angry. he did not have anything to say to me. But for the past couple days he has been really sweet to me (except for a few small occasions of making me feel bad). So I dont really know what i am waiting for. maybe for him to do something big again. Or maybe I think that he might change. Things are going ok at the moment, but I am not sure how long this good phase will last. I hope that he has changed, but I also know that his father abused his mother, and I never want to go through anything like that. My husband says he will never hit me. But I think he doesnt realize that words hurt too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:22pm

Hi Moonlight -


Right now you are experiencing what we refer to as the honeymoon stage.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:03pm
Hey moonlight,

You sound like you're being very smart about this--talking with your mother, and documenting (in your letter to him; hope you kept a copy) his behavior to you. I've got to say, it doesn't sound good. And you're right to worry about what happens after you have a child---whatever you do, do not let him make you pregnant. I think that my H was in a similar level of behavior to yours and it escalated in a big way after our DS was born. I think it was because he thought he had solidified his control (we moved to a new place, I had only consulting income,the pregnancy had delayed me finishing school, and he had an outside job and I didn't for nine months) and could do whatever he felt like. He explained to me once (and we weren't even fighting, this was just conversational) that I could never leave b/c no American man would want a woman with a mixed race child.

Sad to say, but he is behaving better because he's thinking you might be on the move. If you love him, you won't want to hear this, but you may well want to get out while it's still relatively easy. I did not, and I'm out now, but it's complicated, and b/c of our son, I'll always have him in my life in some capacity. You don't want that, believe me.

Good luck. As I said, you sound as though you've got a good head on your shoulders.

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 9:21pm
He most likely does know words hurt-he uses them to keep you off balance, confused, so he can always have the upper hand and control you. That's what it sounds like to me anyway. He has already gotten physical with you, the line has been crossed, now it's only a matter of degree, he's testing you to see how much you'll take and he'll make it a little worse and a little worse each time. I think the statistics are if there has already been physical abuse the likelihood of it happening again is like 98-99%. I mean this in no way to rush you or pressure you or offend you, just some stuff to maybe keep in mind if you feel it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 2:16pm
Hi

I am also new to this board. I just made a post "Husband abused me--I feel blame. this is my second marriage to an abusive person. Like you, it never came out until we got married. I have a 12 year old son by my first marriage. It sounds so familiar when you described how your 4 year old is being treated. It is horrible, because we are going through the same thing. I have to constantly intervene, my husband is so critical of my son, and has unusual expectations of my son. One time, I called my son to the dinner table, he didn't come, he wanted to just see one more thing and he would be right out. After a few moments, I called my son again, and my son said in a minute. Well, my husband got up, went into the living and picked my son up by underneath the arms like a baby and pulled him off the couch and dragged him onto the floor. My son quietly started cring. I said, did you get hurt (I didn't think he was being hurt at the time, otherwise I would have intervened). My son said yes, under his arms, which were red when I looked under his shirt. I then told my hsuband to never touch him again.

Just last Friday, I had been hit and pushed onto the bed. Got some bruises and lumps. this is the second time now that I had to call the police.

We are all victims of abuse. It doesn't stop, it escalates. My husband had an abusive father to both his mother and to him. He learned this and now is passing it on to us. He is out of the house now, this is a healthy start for us. But the scares, mentally, will remain for a long time.

I hope for both your sakes, you will be strong and take care of yourselves. You owe it to yourself and your children or potential children. The longer you stay, the more it hurts.

Love and God Bless

Nanc