signs of trouble? need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
signs of trouble? need advice!
4
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:32pm

I don't know anyone that has been abused so I'm wondering if my concern is justified. My sis is engaged to a guy who is very Christian but has a terrible temper. They argue a lot and every week or so I have to listen to her gripe about them screaming at e/o then making up the next day. I've never really been concerned until yesterday. She told me that they had called off the wedding. Reason? She mentioned to him that she'd like him to help more in planning the wedding (she has been doing almost everything!). He blows up at her, says she doesn't respect him. They were at the gym when the argument started so they started walking home. He walks ahead of her, she's about 20 feet behind. He turns and starts SCREAMING obscenities at her (remember they are on a busy public street). These two random guys walking by mock him. Her fiance punches one of them in the face, knocks him down. My sis runs to make sure the victim is ok and to scream at her fiance for punching a stranger. The victim goes to the police (there just happened to be a station a block away). Police come by, ask if he punched the guy, fiance starts yelling that it's my sister's fault cuz she pissed him off, fiance gets frisked, interrogated, my sis gets interrogated, fiance gets escorted by police to apologize to victim, asked him not to press charges for assault/battery. They call off the wedding. Fiance calls his parents who chew him out for losing his temper and tell him not to screw up the relationship. He calls at 8am the next morning and begs and begs for forgiveness. My sis forgives him. The wedding is back on.

Here's what's crazy: Her fiance is a nice guy, leads bible study, plays guitar on the worship team in church, they even see a pastor once a week for pre-marital counseling. However, he refuses to go to anger mgt. classes and it is like another person when he gets angry. My sis says no problem, we just have to make sure he doesn't get too angry. Says his temper has improved a lot since they first got together. Will improve over time.

Am I being pessimistic? I personally think that women should never marry a guy expecting/hoping he'll improve. I think that after marriage, the issue usually gets worse. So any advice on what to do? I am trying to be a supportive sis... don't want to be the bearer of bad news and say she has to ditch this guy. My sis made me SWEAR not to tell anyone else in my family (i.e. another sister, mom and dad) b/c she does not want them to hold it against her fiance. I don't know who else to ask so I'm hoping ppl on this board can offer some advice. Thanks for reading this whole thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:23am

Your sister should not be marrying this guy. Living with him would be like walking on eggshells. The slightest thing can tick him off. Not to mention, this guy is pretty violent.

As far as what advice to give her, I really don't have any. She seems pretty determined to work things out with him. I've seen this women too many times. They know they have a violent man but are unable to break free from him. He refuses to go to anger management class so what other choice does she have except to leave him alone, which I'm sure she won't do.

My prayers are with you and your family at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:34am

This is almost certainly not going to get better. Punching random strangers just because they did something one didn't like is completely unacceptable, and you are right to think SHE may be next one of these days.

One important point I did want to make- him being "Christian" has nothing to do with his capacity to abuse. Abusers can be, and are, ministers, youth pastors, etc. While we don't know the full story behind the Mary and Matthew Winkler case, there is some speculation that Matthew Winkler was killed because of abuse, and he was a minister. The only thing that being "Christian" has to do with it is that some abusers claim religion as an excuse for their actions. Claiming to be of any certain faith does not preclude being an abuser.

The "public scene" is a common abuser tactic, I might add. Loony, my psycho ex, liked to throw temper tantrums in public. He never attacked a person, but he learned that I would agree to a lot to end the public scene, and a lot of other abusers have figured that out.

As to what to do. Is there any way you can tell the rest of the family without totally alienating her? This may pose a safety issue for the rest of your family, should he go after THEM in a rage one day. About all you can really do for her is be a support system- that is the one thing he is going to try to take away from her. Emphasize that marrying him is not a good idea, that he will not change, but that you will be there for her if she needs help. Also check out our board website, located at the top of our Start page.

Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 9:39am

He's a wreck, he's violent, and he's already abusive to your sister.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:49am
As an abused woman I can tell you that you were right to see the red flag. When they start blaming the person their with for their actions its just going to get worse. My husband blames me when he chokes me or punches me in the face. Tell her to run and fast! Once they get married he will see her as his property and that it is his right to control her because the bible says honor and obey. He will use his christian beliefs to justify his treatment of her. I have met many people in my life and those who claim to be christian are just as mean as the next abuser. That is just my opinion but someone who loses his temper that fast to a stranger will have no reservations about doing it to someone close to them. I always tell my husband that he treats strangers better than he treats me and he is supposed to love me.