Silent Abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Silent Abuse?
6
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 6:41pm
Hello everyone. I am new here. I am separated from my husband. I have been seeing a therapist for some time. She had given me a book months ago about Verbal Abuse. I just disregarded the book because I did not think that it fit my husband. Now, as I am reading, I realize that it is all about him. I thought that since my husband rarely ever said anything then how could he be abusive? He would not talk to me about much of anything. Whenever I tried to bring up issues like our marriage, he would just stare at me with this cold, blank stare. He could not (or would not) respond. I could not get him to discuss having children with me. When we began trying to conceive, I stopped because I felt like I was trying by myself. He finally told me, after 6 years, that he did not think he wanted the responsibility of children. In fact, I don't think he wanted any responsibility at all. I have written him about 7 letters during our marriage. I thought that maybe he could relate better to that than a one on one confrontation. He never acknowledged one of those letters. I felt like a roomate, or perhaps, a mother to this man. He did not help me around the house at all. In fact, it seemed like he resisted even more when I asked. Our physical relationship was very 'robotic'. He never held my hand, or cuddled with me or, heck, even had a conversation with me. However, he would expect me to want to have sex with him? He never forced me or anything like that. Some of the time I would agree. I know that was my desperate attempt at getting something, anything. I don't know anything about him: his dreams, goals, feelings. In fact, I have never seen him show any emotion: anger, sadness, remorse, fear, elation, happiness. I finally forced a separation. Why did I have to be the one to do that? How could he have possibly been happy? The thing that I am most perplexed about now is that I thought he was such a loner. Yet, he began dating someone within months of our separation. AND SHE HAS KIDS! What a blow that was to me. I wasted my remaining fertile years on this man. He knew I wanted a family when we married. I don't think that he was seeing this woman before we separated. How could he have been? He was always at home sleeping or watching TV or on the computer. I thought he was such a loner and he hooks up with someone within 2 months? Also, I discovered that he was into porn on the computer. I did not find out about that until we separated. He was a different person (I thought) before we married. I cannot even imagine the man that I was married to being connected in any way to the man that I dated. That is how severe the change was. Why did this man even want to get married? Someone, please help me understand this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 7:19pm

Hi hon, welcome -


Much like your H, my XH was also one that withheld affection and frequently refused to talk with me about our relationship or anything of that nature.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: yamacraw
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:00pm

I agree w/everything Blue said.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: yamacraw
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 9:48pm
You could not have been more dead-on in your description of an emotional abuser. You described my STBX to a tee (T?). Anyway, throughout all of our marriage, he withheld affection (never knew men did that before I married him) we lived like roommates, never wanted to discuss our relationship or change, you're right it was ALL ABOUT HIM. So incredibly selfish. And to think before I married him and wanted to break it off, he cried asking me not to leave him. Selfish, selfish till the end. If ever he did something wrong, everyone else was at fault. But now he's narrowed it down to just me. Anger from his childhood? My fault. Why he's so angry and behaving this way? My fault. Apparently I have such a strong hold on his life that I've managed to have an affect on his childhood, too. A problem with creditors? It's their fault. They're wrong. He never had anything to do it. I became evolutionary, adjusting to my environment (unfortunately). When we first married and he didn't touch me in bed, I was overwhelmed with grief. Ten years later, used to it. When we first married, he never talked in the car, I was going crazy trying to talk to him, ten years later, used to it. On and on. Now his new thing is telling me he said things that he never said, and saying he did things that he never did or vice versa. Outright mind games. But I'm on to him. He sees that I am sort of immune to him so he hurls bigger and bigger things at me (meaning situations.) And you were also saying the more control he has the more of his personality comes out. Man, you said it PERFECTLY. I was worried to leave this situation because believe it or not, I was afraid that the whole thing would hit me really hard, and I'd never be able to get away from him but I know (hope) that when I leave him, eventually he"ll leave me alone and go on to live his stupid life. And get out of my life!! But I'm afraid that his emotional dependency on me is so strong that he will try to control me always. How can you get rid of that? He is like an emotional parasite (think lice) that attaches so strongly that's very difficult to remove. I am constantly worried about how to get rid of him after we divorce. We have two kids, I just want to have a healthy co-parenting relationship but I'm terrified that he will continue to eat at me like he does now. I will go thru the courts to maybe have someone help us for visitations where I don't have to see or speak to him. I will forever have to live with the fact that I married him, but after the marriage will be glad to get him off my back!!!
yamacraw- sorry for interrupting on your thread. It isn't your fault. Not by a long shot. You are only at fault for getting involved with this man, as am I, but who could predict the future? Of course, we had an unconscious need that was met by this person, blah, blah, blah - LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:15pm
Smiley, It's okay. I could have written most of your post. Thanks very much for all of your warm welcomes. The car thing! Oh my, I had temporarily forgotten about that. The silence in the car. I am not the type of person that has to have conversation all of the time, but the car silence was so hard. I also got used to it after 10 years. We were married for 9 and then separated. You know what really makes me sick? He attempted to hug me as we were separating. I was furious. I said, "Why are you hugging me now; you never wanted to before". I also experienced the wide gap between us in our bed after we married. I remember the first time that I tried to talk to him about it. I was also heart sick over it. He mentioned that I never initiated anything sexual. Right away, he was putting the blame on me. I never remember my husband taking responsibility for anything either. It was always some other 'dumb' person's fault. He also never apologized for anything. I guess I am still in shock, mostly at myself and the things that I did get used to after 10 years. I am also reeling from the truth - that it was abuse. I was in a very abusive marriage. There, I have said it. I can longer tell myself that he can't help it and he is just emotionally shut down. He knew what he was doing. Thanks again everyone. I am glad that I am here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: yamacraw
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:22pm
I forgot to comment on the independent gesture like getting you a soda. Boy, I can relate. I really think that people did not believe me when I told them some of the things that I did. For example, when they asked me if I talked to my husband, they would say, "Well, what did he say?". I would reply, "Nothing". I don't think they really believed that by nothing, I meant NOTHING at all. When I told them that he NEVER cooked one meal during our marriage. I meant NEVER. There was no embellishing or exaggerating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: yamacraw
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 4:08pm

Wow! I read this post and I couldn't help but scream at the monitor...that was me! That was me! My ex-husband, though, had a horrible temper. It took him getting on prozac for anything to "get better." Like yours...mine found a woman the day we talked about separating. The DAY...and he slept with her shortly there after. I believe they have a child (or soon will have a child) together. To this day his words ring in my ear "you will never find anyone better than me. I'm the best you'll ever have." This from a man who, in our last sexual encounter, forced me into it. It's disgusting. Almost a year later I still feel claustrophic about the idea of intimacy. I can't take a compliment. It's very hard...I'm working on it, but it's very hard. I wanted to tell you..you're not alone. Thank you for sharing this!

~Julie