Silent Abuse?
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Silent Abuse?
| Tue, 04-19-2005 - 6:41pm |
Hello everyone. I am new here. I am separated from my husband. I have been seeing a therapist for some time. She had given me a book months ago about Verbal Abuse. I just disregarded the book because I did not think that it fit my husband. Now, as I am reading, I realize that it is all about him. I thought that since my husband rarely ever said anything then how could he be abusive? He would not talk to me about much of anything. Whenever I tried to bring up issues like our marriage, he would just stare at me with this cold, blank stare. He could not (or would not) respond. I could not get him to discuss having children with me. When we began trying to conceive, I stopped because I felt like I was trying by myself. He finally told me, after 6 years, that he did not think he wanted the responsibility of children. In fact, I don't think he wanted any responsibility at all. I have written him about 7 letters during our marriage. I thought that maybe he could relate better to that than a one on one confrontation. He never acknowledged one of those letters. I felt like a roomate, or perhaps, a mother to this man. He did not help me around the house at all. In fact, it seemed like he resisted even more when I asked. Our physical relationship was very 'robotic'. He never held my hand, or cuddled with me or, heck, even had a conversation with me. However, he would expect me to want to have sex with him? He never forced me or anything like that. Some of the time I would agree. I know that was my desperate attempt at getting something, anything. I don't know anything about him: his dreams, goals, feelings. In fact, I have never seen him show any emotion: anger, sadness, remorse, fear, elation, happiness. I finally forced a separation. Why did I have to be the one to do that? How could he have possibly been happy? The thing that I am most perplexed about now is that I thought he was such a loner. Yet, he began dating someone within months of our separation. AND SHE HAS KIDS! What a blow that was to me. I wasted my remaining fertile years on this man. He knew I wanted a family when we married. I don't think that he was seeing this woman before we separated. How could he have been? He was always at home sleeping or watching TV or on the computer. I thought he was such a loner and he hooks up with someone within 2 months? Also, I discovered that he was into porn on the computer. I did not find out about that until we separated. He was a different person (I thought) before we married. I cannot even imagine the man that I was married to being connected in any way to the man that I dated. That is how severe the change was. Why did this man even want to get married? Someone, please help me understand this.

Hi hon, welcome -
Much like your H, my XH was also one that withheld affection and frequently refused to talk with me about our relationship or anything of that nature.
CL-Blueliner4
I agree w/everything Blue said.
yamacraw- sorry for interrupting on your thread. It isn't your fault. Not by a long shot. You are only at fault for getting involved with this man, as am I, but who could predict the future? Of course, we had an unconscious need that was met by this person, blah, blah, blah - LOL.
Wow! I read this post and I couldn't help but scream at the monitor...that was me! That was me! My ex-husband, though, had a horrible temper. It took him getting on prozac for anything to "get better." Like yours...mine found a woman the day we talked about separating. The DAY...and he slept with her shortly there after. I believe they have a child (or soon will have a child) together. To this day his words ring in my ear "you will never find anyone better than me. I'm the best you'll ever have." This from a man who, in our last sexual encounter, forced me into it. It's disgusting. Almost a year later I still feel claustrophic about the idea of intimacy. I can't take a compliment. It's very hard...I'm working on it, but it's very hard. I wanted to tell you..you're not alone. Thank you for sharing this!
~Julie