sister in abusive relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
sister in abusive relationship
3
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:07pm
my 19 yr old step sister (i'm 21) is also my roommate. She's been dating this TERRIBLE JERK for about 2-3 years now. They've never had a good relationship. He's very emotionaly, as well as physically abusive. He cheats on her, lies, calls her TERRIBLE names- and she she's done her "bad" things in the relationship too, but she can never seem to give up on the jerk.
Last week they got in a HUGE fight where he strangled her, told her he was going to kill her, held her down, covered her mouth so she couldn't scream (this was in our grandparents house, where he lives and works on their farm...yeah.. he had balls) and said he was going to make him watch her kill himself and he'd put a knife up to his throat and cut himself and make her watch. She'd start screaming and he'd strangle her and tell her that our grandparents upstairs couldn't hear her. Everytime she'd try to get up he'd push her back down onto the bed or into the wall. Once she finally got outside and left she was scared, hysterically crying, freeeeaaaking out. The next day when i foudn out I, obviously, freaked out because she was bruised, her lip was busted... so i told her she FINALLY needed to call the cops and report it and file charges & get a restraining order against him! (I"ve told her this hundreds of times in previous experiences, but she never listed) so she finally decided to go through w/ it and just report it. she didn't want to file charges or get a restraining order. So my grandparents fired his a$$ (yeah!) and now less than a weeks gone by and now she's freaking out because she says that she wants to talk to him SOO bad and it's all she's thinking about and she wants to be with him (I HAVE NO IDEA!?!?!??????????????) and she's crying all the time, all depressed. she says he doesn't care that they are over because he hasn't even cared and she's having people tell him to call her.. She tells me she knows she's stupid and she can't believe the way she's reacting but she can't help it and she doesn't know how to get over him...
she's asked me for advice and i don't know what to tell her because i feel like we've gone through this OVER AND OVER AND OVER again in the past. She always goes back to him.
Is there anyway i can help her get rid of this loser for good1?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:18pm

First off, {{HUGS}}

Second off, I know exactly what your step sister is going through. I was with my abuser for 12 years, before I got out.

Unfortunately hon, there's nothing that you can do but be there for her. When your in an abusive relationship, they make you feel like you can't live without them. In her own time, she'll come to realize that she deserves better. Unfortunately for me it took 12 years. Let's hope that it doesn't take your step sister that long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:20pm

Welcome AmyJo..


She definitely needs to report him to authorities, he nearly killed her and it's bad enough that he said he would follow thru w/it and the fact that he threatened to take his own life is just as bad.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:14pm

Dear Amyjo,

Hi sweetheart, your sister is fortunate that she has you and your grandparents. Many blessings to your grandparents for firing him and doing their share to eliminate this person from your sister's life. Now, however, it is up to her.

It is important that she get some counseling from a TRAINED domestic violence counselor. Perhaps you can also provide her with books on the subject so she can learn.

Sometimes people won't see what is in front of them because they're embroiled in it and like the child who clings to the abusive parent looking for a nibble of approval and love, perhaps there is something you can do to help your sister help herself.

Sometimes if nothing distracts us from obsessing about the abuser who is no longer right there, all there is to do is focus on how lonely we are without them. He is probably nice enough to her at times that she justifies the abuse part.

My community and many others have programs where women who have disentangled themselves from bad relationships will come to you and talk to you girl-to-girl about abuse and what it is and how to end the cycle. Perhaps there is a program like that in your community.

Help her own seeds of awareness poke up through the soil. Real-life examples are the best ways. Her self-esteem and self-worth need to be handled with great care.

Often a person in law enforcement will discuss the matter one-on-one with people in the community.

I believe she knows the reality of her relationship with this man, but I believe she cannot right now put it in perspective.

The community leader's here are a wealth of information. Perhaps your sister can come here and post. Otherwise, including other suggestions stated above, there may not be much you can do to help her love herself more. Be ready for everything - and always be ready to call the police if he shows up on your doorstep. Follow through on everything.

much love to you.