Slipping & in need of help
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| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:25pm |
I’ve been married for 1 ½ years and have known my husband for 4. We’re a really young couple (23 and 20) and I don’t know if that has anything to do with our problems. A lot of young people are stubborn and we’re as stubborn as they come. I’d say around the time my son was born (1 year ago) is when all the fights started. I don’t even know what it was that we used to fight about, it could have been anything large or small.
It would begin as yelling and then progress to my husband blocking doorways and grabbing me (to restrain me he says). I don’t do well if someone is in my face trying to fight with me.. If there’s an issue I usually just want to go somewhere and be alone where I can fully digest the issue and figure out my own way of resolving it. I can’t say that I’ve been blameless in all of this either. In fact I’m probably almost always the one who starts the argument and he’s usually the one who takes it too far by putting his hands on me. I also don’t do well with someone hitting me so no matter how hard the blow my bodily reaction is to get the last hit in.. which leads to me getting hit again.
I really love my husband in spite of all of this and can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. I know I’m a smart young woman on the right path.. I don’t smoke or drink or party.. I go to school, to work, come home and take care of my family. I used to be the one criticizing domestically abused women.. thinking to myself that I’d never stand for something like that.. I just feel so stupid right now. It’s never to the point where I’m afraid of him or feel like I can’t come home or that I’m being controlled. It’s only when we argue, which is probably every couple of months or so. Sometimes things feel so right and perfect. When it’s good it’s awesome and when it’s bad it sucks. I’ll say this for myself, I wouldn’t stay with him if I didn’t think he had the capacity to change his ways. I think we both have anger problems and we want to get better but we just need some outside help. This last fight though, has really taken a toll on me and has shown us how seriously we need to resolve this. I feel like my confidence is waning. Today at work all I wanted to do was cry like a little baby. I just wanted someone to console me but I just can’t tell people I know about this because I don’t want them to think any less of my husband.. he really is a stand up guy. These fights we get into are our only downfalls.
Like I was saying about this last fight.. It all started when I asked him to go upstairs to get a screwdriver so that I could fix something in the kitchen (he’s the one who took them up there and left them). He has this real problem with being “bossed” around by me. He constantly needs to let me know that he’s not “my b*tch”. Well he refused and kept shaking his head no and telling me no like an obnoxious little kid. The anger was just welling up inside me and I wanted to hurt him so badly but resisted. Instead I stooped to his level and stomped up the stairs to get the damn thing and in the process threw all of his books in the bookshelf down the stairs. Next thing I know he’s running after me and has me in a choke-hold. I bit him and fought back for a little bit before he released me and told me I couldn't touch his tools. I just wanted to fix what I was going to fix and not speak to him for the rest of the night but he just stood over me and kept yelling at me to leave his stuff alone. Next thing I know I’m on the floor passed out. I must have grabbed his neck though because now he has three long scratches along his face and neck. After talking for a couple of hours (talking, but not nicely) I sobbed myself to sleep on the couch. When he went to work the next day he was pulled aside by the criminal investigation department for suspected spousal abuse (the scratches were a dead give away). They immediately took away his security clearance (he works in a secured government office and has a high security engineering job). He also got fired and proceeded to get roughed up by the CID people. They practically announced it on loud speaker because now everyone has branded him a wife beater. When he came home and told me this I just felt sick to my stomach. Yeah I’m still pissed as hell at him for what he did ( and I know I wasn’t an angel) but I never meant for him to lose what he’d worked so hard for. That security clearance was worth ½ million dollars and he had a high paying job that’s been supporting us. I just felt so wrecked. He’s been apologizing here and there and I know he feels like a POS. What he did to me wasn’t right but I still feel for him. Luckily he has another job lined up anyway so he’s supposed to go and fight this thing today (something about the CID people not handling the situation right).
Anyway, to wrap this up, the only way I’m staying now is if we get some counseling. I’m really skiddish about this and don’t really know what to do or where to start. I’m sure some of you here have went to counseling and I just wanted to know what I should do next. I don’t have any intentions for divorce and I know we can make this work if we have some outside help. I just need to get out some things that have been eating me up inside. I feel as if I’m slowly slipping into depression and I can’t have that.. not with my little boy. I need to be strong for him if no one else. So if you’ve made it through all of this a congratulations is in order. Thank you SO MUCH for listening. Any help is greatly appreciated!

OMG sweetie--you're in so much danger. What if he had slipped and choked you or whatever he did to make you unconscious just a little too hard? He could have killed you. And then your baby would be without a mother. And if he's lost his job, it may be only a matter of time before he turns around and blames you for it. It's not your fault, and you need to take steps to protect yourself and keep you and your child safe. I know you love him, and want him to get help--I feel like that a lot of time too. But PLEASE understand that while he's this volatile, you're in danger. People at his office should brand him as a wife beater, because HE IS. It's good that they noticed, frankly--maybe that will shock him into taking steps to change, though people here who know say true change is rare. Find separate counselors and make sure he gets into one who has experience working with abusers and their manipulative ways.
Good luck, and take good care.
CC
Hi Ladie and welcome -
I have to say this first:
CL-Blueliner4
Hi ladiechef…welcome to you.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Only you can make the decision on what to do, just please think of your son. He is young now, but if he has hit you once, he will do it again. Couple counceling will not work. Good luck in whatever ypou do.
Christina