small revelation in counseling
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| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 11:46pm |
I thought I would share this latest counseling discussion so that perhaps someone else who struggled with a similar situation may benefit.
The discussion was concerning my sense of guilt and responsibility over...well, everything. I said that I knew what he did was wrong and it was clear he did not fulfill his responsibilities (treating me like a real human and with respect) but that I wondered if I had fulfilled all of my responsibilities. Did I do everything I should have done or am I just in denial like he always said I was (you know, the 'you think you are a saint and can do no wrong' talk)
I brought up the situation when he broke my ribs as an example. I said that after he had slammed me with the hand/fist and kicked me, he later (hours later) came back and said he knew he should not have done that but that he just lost control because I let him walk home without a shirt in freezing weather. To me it seemed he did have remorse because he acknowledged that he did something wrong, and it WAS true that I let him walk home in the cold. Am I somehow guilty here as well?
The counselor asked how he ended up walking home. I said he jumped out of the car in anger and started walking very fast away from the car. I was afraid and didn't know what to do. He was so angry he wouldn't get back into the car so I drove home, shaking.
The counselor then pointed out that while he said he knew he hit me, he still blamed me for it because he had to walk home in the cold. But she asked again if I forced him out of the car. I said no, he jumped out which quite surprised me. She pointed out again that he blamed me because HE jumped out of the car and walked home and asked where I thought I should have done something different. I said I could have tried harder to get him back in the car.
Then it became clear. He blamed me for his stupid decision to jump out of the car without a shirt in freezing weather and walk home, and then hit me to prove the point. He made the stupid decision and he held me responsible for his decision. When I failed to fix it, he got angry. Truth was that he was responsible for jumping out of the car and for hitting me. None of this was my fault in any way whatsoever. And I can apply that to the many other situations where things were turned around to be my fault for things going bad.
This also showed me how much I was held accountable for during the entire relationship. I was responsible for most all of his life and happiness. We went over the list. It encompassed everything from child care and groceries to finding him a job and dropping mine when he needed help with his. The counselor asked if he actually said I was responsible or if it was just something I assumed. I looked wide eyed at her and said, 'well yes! he did say very directly that I was responsible.' You can't contrue 'YOU HAVE TO FIND ME A JOB OR ELSE ' or 'I AM NOT THE WOMAN, I REFUSE FOR YOU TO MAKE ME ONE' I REFUSE TO DO .
We went over his responsibilities. They included washing the car, driving, filling the car with gas, barbequeing, and all the banking (later found to be because it made it easier to stuff huge sums of money into private accounts rather than a favour). The guy was not responsible for much of anything.
The lesson here is that I am so used to being held responsible for everything, that I continue to try to solve all problems at work as well, leading me to burn out and exhaustion. I am working on trying to solve that.
Anyway, I figure this is pretty typical behavior for an abuser and perhaps this revelation may be of help to someone else.
| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:33am |

| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:08pm |
| Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:01am |
| Sat, 10-29-2005 - 9:44pm |
