Small slap + name calling = abuse?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:28am |
I just found this site and read some of your posts. Your strength encourages me. I know my problems are probably minuscule to most of yours. Any advise you can give is greatly appreciated. I am too afraid to tell any of my family (they already don’t like my boyfriend) and I don’t have any friends that I am close with. Here is my story, I will try to keep it short.
I am 22 years old and have known my boyfriend (I’ll call him XM) for 6 years (we were first friends). Our relationship was great, we talked everyday for hours on the phone and never argued. It gradually went downhill and eventually left him for another man because of our arguing. XM made many threats against me and the other man, but I think that was because he was angry. I never thought he meant to do me harm, he had done nothing more than argue with me up until this point.
After I broke up with the other man, XM convinced me to get back together with him, that he would change and we could work out our problems, that he wasn’t mad that I left him. I took him back like an idiot. I continually had to convince him that I was being loyal to him. He said that if I ever cheated on him again (though it wasn’t really cheating in my mind since I did break up with him) that he would kill the other man in front of me. I blew it off because I knew I wasn’t cheating.
To make things worse, he lost his job and had to move on the other side of the country to live with his mother. He blames his mother for his behavior. She is constantly yelling at him. She had kicked him out of the house when he was 16 and he had to live in a group home for two years. When he came out to visit me about a month ago (which I had to pay for the whole trip because he’s in debt up to his eyeballs), he slapped me in the mouth. It wasn’t hard and it didn’t hurt but it startled me. I don’t even remember what I said to make him do it.
I’ve had a hard time getting along with him since then. He’s said he’s sorry and wouldn’t do it again but I’ve heard all the stories about abuse and how it starts off as something tiny and escalates out of control. Anytime we fight, he brings up everything I’ve ever done wrong. Lately, he’s been calling me names like ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘bitch’. Nothing is ever his fault. So I broke up with him again. We still talk though, and it doesn’t seem like we ever broke up. He still tells me that he loves me and I tell him the same. I do love him but I’m not going to be in that kind of relationship. He makes me feel guilty for “abandoning him”. I want to be his friend and help him through his hard times, but he doesn’t want to be just friends. Other than having a bad temper, he really is a good guy.
So, I guess my questions are is what I described abuse? Because I wouldn’t give it such a strong term. And can I still help him through his hard times and be a friend, or is that just leading him on? Should I just cut all ties with him?

What you have just described is abuse. Leave now while you can still leave.
I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I was pushed, kicked, slapped across the face, like you describe, choked, and threatened almost every day that I was going to die that day. How he is treating you is abuse. It's called giving you the guilt treatment. It's how MY abuser kept me in the relationship for 12 years.
CHeck out the power and control wheel here... http://www.dvc.org.nz/power.htm
And another site: http://www.estronaut.com/a/recognizing_potential_batterer.htm
Please get away now, while you can.
Lori
Hi, girly, glad you found us, despite the circumstances.
The slap and name calling are abuse of themselves, and it gets worse over time. Even though he hasn't done so much in the way of physical assault, he's testing to see how far he can go. That light slap was an experiment. What's already severe abuse is the threats. Okay, he was angry, but normal people don't assume the right to harm others because of a breakup. Normal people acknowledge that the breakup occurred; instead he's telling you that you can't and didn't end the relationship.
As for his mother, she did not raise his hand and hit you with it. He's responsible for his behaviour, he just hopes you don't know it.
Can you help him as a friend? If he were willing to help himself and if he were willing to be friends, you could. He's not willing and won't be. Some people make it impossible for us to have them in our lives.
Take care of yourself, welcome, and keep us posted.
Welcome to the board girly,
First of all I have to say is that I am seeing red flags ALL OVER your post.
"I don’t even remember what I said to make him do it." You didn't do anything to make him do it. That was his decision.
If I were you, I would have absolutely no more contact with this guy. No emails, no phone calls, no letters, no postcards, and definitely no visits of any kind for any reason. That way you won't get pulled into his little guilt games. He's abusive, manipulative, and he's dangerous.
Hun,
Yes, your boyfriend is on a dangerous path. He has crossed a line with even a little slap. Once someone will physically strike you in anger they will continue to violate your personal space and it will get worse. I can still see the look on my ex husbands face when he grabbed my hair the first time. I don't want you to know what that looks like, even though we have never met. Think about your post. He's a great guy, except for ... If there is a but or an exception then he's really not that great a guy. I always stop and think okay if my girlfriend was telling me this what would I say to her as a 3rd party listening to her story.
Sounds like your boyfriend may have issues with women and intimacy from his relationship with his mom. My ex had a very distant relationship with his mom and I never thought anything of it. Now I see where how a man sees his mother is a good indication of how he will see his girlfriends or wife.
Protect yourself and listen to your gut.
Your problems with this 'man' are not miniscule, believe me. It will only escalate from here. Abusive people are very immature and like to test boundaries.
You did not cheat on him. You had already left him. This is a very big sign that he thinks he owns you. No-one owns you but you.
Calling you names is not acceptable. Making threats is not acceptable. Slapping you is not acceptable. Blaming his mother for his behaviour is not acceptable. Accusing you of abandoning him is not acceptable. Not taking responsibility for his own actions is not acceptable. In fact, the latter is a huuuuuuge red flag.
If he thinks he still has ownership even when you are with someone else then to remain friends, to his mind, would 'lead him on'. It would be dangerous for you.
The only thing he's sorry about is the effect his behaviour is having on him. Abusers have no empathy. Don't believe a word of his apologies.
Keep away from this 'man' and don't look back. His problems are not your problems. In fact, it won't do him any harm to learn to wipe his own backside instead of throwing tantrums to get others to clean up his mess. KWIM?
Glad you posted.
Rowena