Small Victory
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| Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:18pm |
Last night DS (5) tried riding his "new" bike with training wheels that are basically off the ground. It was the end of the day, right before dinner and he quickly became frustrated and started crying even though I was trying to help him. H storms out, yells at DS telling him to stop being a crybaby, grabs the bike and tosses it into the garage. DS of course tells him, while crying, that he's not a baby and says to his father that he hurt his feelings. H tells him he's not allowed to cry about something like that, comes in the house and storms off to our room. DS turns to me crying and saying that daddy hurt his feelings. I settled him down a bit and sat DS and DD (3) down to dinner. I then went upstairs and very calmly told H that I understood he was frustrated but that he had no right to call DS a crybaby and that he was humiliating him on top of his frustration about the bike. He's 5 and he hasn't learned another way of letting out his frustration and that it was our job to teach him another way (although I believe alot of it will come with age). I also said that now DS was upset because H stormed upstairs and he said "where is daddy eating his dinner?"
For crying out loud - he's 5!! Of course he's going to be upset the first time he tries to ride his "new" bike and can't. I just wanted to scream. So, H talked to DS and apologized for calling him a crybaby. Of course after dinner, he tries to show DS how to ride the bike and gets mad because he can't figure it out in 5 minutes and tells him he's going to give his bike away. What is wrong with him?
As for me, he barely spoke to me for the rest of the evening. Today he's acting like nothing happened.
I'm just proud of myself for standing up to him. He can talk to me any way he wants but my son? No way. Just another reason for me to leave. I don't want him ruining my children.
Little by little I'm becoming stronger. Thanks to you all for your help in this. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come here.
Lisa

Our strength often comes in baby steps as we grow and learn about what is happening to us. Also, the Mama Bear in us can hurl us forward when it comes to our children and protecting them from what the affects of their fathers anger/abuse. Good for you for standing up to him, we need these small victories because each one helps us win the war. It is frustrating to see their behaviour and we wonder why they cannot act like a freaking grown up especially around their very own children. My xh would berate my then DD4 for doing what 4 year olds are supposed to do and I spent a good portion of my time trying to deflect that anger from her to me but running interference was difficult and highly emotional.
Good for you but I would remain on guard simply because when they sense us begining to take a stand they can escalate the abuse or change their tactics to keep us off balance. Do you have a safety plan? Once I realized I needed to leave I started by calling the DV shelter and they helped me with a safety plan just to stay safe if I needed it. It was still several months before I could make a plan to leave but it was a step. Keep us posted.
Lisa
Lisa,
I sure know about the running interference. It IS difficult and very emotional. The smallest comment I make about something he says to DS/DD usually causes a verbal attack on me. I was amazed it didn't last night. I guess he switched to the silent treatment instead, which was fine with me, although that in itself is abusive. The lesser of two evils I suppose.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and advice. I am taking them to heart.
Lisa
Alot of what propelled me into taking the necessary steps in leaving were the continued attacks on my DD and I began to realize that I couldnt keep them separate from his emotional abuse and violence especially when I began to shut down and he really focused on DD as a way to attack me. It baffles me to this day how a grown man can bring home a take out breakfast and eat it in front of a 4 yo and scream at her and push her away when she asks for some! Behaviour like that stripped me of my fear. DD to this day remains distant from her father and he has essentially given up because he does not realize the damage he caused. She is an adorable, outgoing, smart freckled face, 7 yo (mostly) angel but she refuses to talk to him and when she does see him she is not herself at all.
I would purposely make him mad at me so he would leave her alone but you would not beleive the joy I now take in telling him that only I decide if and when he see's her (judges orders) and to see in his facet the knowledge that he has absolutley zero power over us. Its a dream come true...keep posting, keep pondering and learnign and you will begin to feel your strength grow.
Lisa
DD7
DS 3.5
Loving Mother to Josue and Wife to Sergio
Lisa,
You made the statement, "it is ok how he talks to me." No it is not. I took it for 30 years, trust me, if dad gets away with disrespect for their mother this is WRONG. Loving marriages make loving families. Just keep posting here, we care, and you will get through this, I am. Take care,
Luv, Sherry
Hi Sherry,
You're right - it isn't ok. I should have said "I can handle it" because I'm just so indifferent to him now. Now, it is also not ok if my kids see him talk to me that way. But strangely enough, and maybe because he finally listened to me when I told him I didn't want to fight in front of the kids, he saves the sarcasm and hurtful words for when we're alone. But there too I've had a recent small victory and told him I would not tolerate him talking to me that way any longer. That he is purposely trying to be hurtful and people who are supposed to love each other don't talk that way. Not that it won't happen again, but I'm getting better at saying I'm not going to take it anymore.
Still, my marriage far from a good example of what a marriage should be. That is what is pushing me to get out. I just don't want my son to think it's ok for men to walk all over women and my daughter to think it's ok for a woman to take it.
Sherry, thanks for your post and your encouragement. It means alot to me.
Lisa