SO ALONE BETRAYED & AFRAID

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
SO ALONE BETRAYED & AFRAID
2
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 8:40am
Hi all..
I wanted to give you an update and purge my insides of all that happened yesterday/last nights in the hopes of regaining some kind of peace.
Yesterday, I noticed my h left his computer on from the night before. This is a computer that's linked to his office that I never use b.c. I don't have the password. I quickly noticed a number of e-mails from a woman I wasn't familiar with..so yes...I looked at them. Her messages were clearly suggestive in nature..One first thing in the morning saying good morning, ****(called my husband by his full name which no one does but me--I THOUGHT).He responds immediately with "yeah, you too,.,.."...Then again mid-day..asking him when he will be able to go to lunch...He immediately responds, "back in town at the end of november"...She then e-mails twice more to which he didn't respond...one said "whatcha doing??" then "almost 5pm..oooooooooooooooooooooooh"....
Needless to say I was beyond furious. I confronted him..and he said she was just someone in an office his office does business with. Despite my protests of this being inappropriate, he continued to say he didnt do anything wrong...A huge fight ensued..and he said she HAS made many suggestive comments on email and in person, but since he hasnt responded in kind, he held no responsibility. I said he should've put a stop to it. He then became furious, picked up my coke can and threw it against the wall. He then proceeded to throw candles, vases, pictures--you name it--against the wall shattering glass everywhere. I left immediately and a mutual friend came over to intervene and try to persuade him to leave for the night. He refused, but did go upstairs (home office) and promised not to interract with me or my children. (they-were at a friend's house when all this happened)...In the middle of the night..he came down to talk. At first, sounding compltely remorseful, but when I wasn't complying--started again..justifying the behavior and the inappropriate relationship. ((I should've handled it better--not been as angry when asking him about it..etc...etc.)
Today, he has offered to go to counseling etc...anything to repair damage done. I am 7 months pregnant right now. I really dont know what to do...In the past his abuse has been verbal..now this...Is there any hope..or I am setting myself and my children up in a dangerous situation???? Does counseling help???
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:40am

He sounds like he is getting worse. The fact that he is breaking things shows that he has a tendency toward becoming physically violent.

counseling for an abuser?? No amount of regular counseling can cure an abuser. He has to go into a special program for abusers only. It takes years and years of "abuser counseling" and hard work before he begins to change a bit.
Only 1% of abusers change, 9 out of 10 men, give up counseling soon after they begin it.

You know why? Abuser's are incredibly self centered, often times they think they know better than anyone else, even DV counselor's, so they feel they are above counseling.

Honestly, I think you deserve better. I think he may turn violent, although he already is violent with breaking things around the house, he may target you next. You're 7 months pregnant, you need to think about yourself and your baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:11pm

I honeslty think that your H left his computer on on purpose. I don't know if he would do that, but maybe he wanted you to find all the e-mails? He knows that you know about this other attractive women coworker. Do you think it is the same lady? Of course he is not taking any responsibility. ABUSERS DO NOT EVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!!! He is responsible... he wrote back to that lady and you seen the e-mails. You do not know that he hasn't made any suggestive comments to her. I would not believe him one bit! When you said he should make a stop to it - he became furious: This part scares me. He becamse very furious about a suggestion from you really just to respect you. You do not like this lady that he is contacting. You do not want your husband talking with her. he does not care about your feelings. He is only thinking about himself (Once again.. and it really won't be the last time)

Please belive me when I say this. Him throwing glass and candles will soon lead to him hitting you instead. It is already getting dangerous and it will just get worse. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You do not need to be held in the dark about this women he is e-mailing. He doesn't respect you!

"he came down to talk. At first, sounding compltely remorseful, but when I wasn't complying--started again..justifying the behavior and the inappropriate relationship. ((I should've handled it better--not been as angry when asking him about it..etc...etc.)" *** He just doesn't get it. This is another example about him thinking that everything should be peachy when he is over the fight. He is being selfish. He is not thinking about your feelings one bit! He is not getting his way so he is throwing a hissy fit.

The damage cannot be repaired. The only way the abuse will stop is to end this relationship and for you to leave this man. Please belive me on this. Please leave for your sake and your baby that will be here soon. You do not want to raise this child with this man. He is abusive. period. It will get worse. Abuse goes from bad to worse... and worse meaning physical. Yes you are setting your children up in a dangeroud situation. You need to leave for your well being as well as your childrens. Only 1% of abusers change. That 1% will only change with dedication, couselling,willingness to change, long term therapy... etc. And you know what - 1% is not very high. I belive that counselling could help over time.. maybe a few years from now you will see changes in your H. He will not change over night, or a few weeks or even a few months like he might say. It is impossible for him to change that fast - whether he says he can.

Just please look at your situation from the outside. Read this poast over and go back and read all the responses from all your other posts. There is one thing in common. Everyone is telling you this is abuse, that you do not deserve this and for you to leave. We wouldn't be telling you to leave for nothing. It will get worse not better.

Hugs. Lauren

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