So confused and abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
So confused and abused
7
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:00pm

I am truly struggling. I have read three books on verbal and emotional abuse and know that I am a victim. I have been with my husband for 18 years, but I am miserable.

He admitted to cheating on me with a prostitute in 2002. He admits to the verbal and emotional abuse. He even admits to forcing me to have sex on numerous occasions because he needed the to feel like he was important to me. He even manipulated me into having sex two weeks after i had surgery on my cervix from a disease he gave me.

This is the third time i am leaving. This time he promises he will change. He wants to go to counseling and wants me to give him another chance.

I am in such a bad emotional state. I just can't forgive him for the mean things he has done to me.

I am a kind person, but i have become so unhappy and depressed. Even my children have noticed.

I don't like when he touches me. When his name comes up on phone, i panic. When he comes home i am very tense and leave. I don't like him.

He has sent me 8 dozen roses in the past week and three letters admitting his misgivings.

He put posters up all over the house apologizing for his behavior.

I just don't feel happy. I want a divorce, but when I think about it I start to panic. What about my kids? I could last in this relationship. During sex, I would have to bring myself out of body and think of something else. That is bad!

What is my problem. He knows he abuses me. I know he abuses me. What is my problem then? This is not a healthy relationship.

HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:21pm

Hi Madison :o)

Do not let him persuade you into staying. He will not change. 1% of abusers change. He will not change overnight or in a few days or weeks.. it will take years and years for him to get better. You have gave him numerous chances for him to get better and treat you right, but he failed. He does not deserve another chance from you!!! If you want to go to counselling, I suggest that you go to a counsellor yourself who specializes in Domestic Abuse. Do not go to marriage counselling with this man. It would be the worst decision.

Doesn't seem like you will ever forgive him for what he did you (and you shouldn't, what he did is unforgivable)... Unforgibale!! You deserve so much better okay.

You need to leave for your childrens sake. If you won't leave for yourself, then you need to leave for theirs. It isn't about you anymore.. it is about you and your children. They need to be safe with a happy parent. Might not be 2 parents, but what is better... 2 miserable parents or 1 happy parent?

You said you don't like him.... what is really making you stay with him?? You must love him to som degree.. Is he threatening you or anything?

The roses he bought you are trying to win you back while he gave you the letters. He is taking you on another rollercoaster ride and the only way to end the rollercoaster ride is to get off.

Please keep us posted. You need to get out of this relationship. You sound very very unhappy and he knows how weak you are and he knows that he can control you and win you over. I really hope you win this one by leave him.

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 1:43am

Hello. The only thing I can say is get some space from him.....

I have been getting lots of space lately from the person who made me seek out this board. It has only been a little while - but the space is amazing. I can actually think a little calmer now, and have less chaos going on. My house is even looking a little cleaner! (He is no longer staying here and I feel like I can actually breathe!!!) Keep us posted....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:46pm

Hi, Madison-

It's been a few days since you posted- I hope everything is okay. Your situation sounds similar to mine- I've been with my abuser for 20 years, and am having a hard time getting the courage up to leave. My DH, too- threatens me sexually, and he doesn't even need to say a word! I let him "get some" to keep the peace, and god- I hate myself for that. They say it's perfectly within a woman's right to refuse to have sex, even with her husband, but I can't even comprehend that. It's on my mind though- what WOULD he do if I just told him I don't feel comfortable having sex with him anymore unless I FEEL like it, and I'll let him know if and when I do???? Tee, hee- maybe that would make him LEAVE me?

You know- do you think that is part of the reason we stay, hoping that they will leave? They never will- they have it too good. Imagine your every whim being catered too, and being able to complain about it when it's not exactly as good as you want it to be? Why should he leave?

I also have kids- two boys, ages 2 & 9. I have to leave soon for their sake, if not my own. My older DS is a sensitive soul, he keeps everything bottled up. He worships the ground his Dad walks on, yet he knows something is very wrong. His mom is always depressed and unhappy, and Dad is always yelling. And dad puts him down alot, too- which I had never really noticed until my Aunt pointed it out to me when she stayed with us last Easter. Now I notice it, and it kills me inside, to know he's trying to crush my son's self esteem when he's at such a vulnerable age. And then my little guy- he's a tough one- he doesn't like when Daddy yells. Everytime Daddy's voice goes up, so does his, even though he's barely talking yet. But I look at these boys that I love so much and I wonder- how long before they start treating me like s**t too, because Dad does. Or even if they don't, what if they treat their girlfriends like that, because they've learned that it's okay. IT'S NOT OKAY!!!

Hopefully, you understand as I do that they won't change- they CAN'T change! They say they are sorry, and maybe they are, but they WILL do it again, and again, and again- as long as we will allow them to...

Can you pinpoint exactly what's keeping you from leaving? Does he have all the control financially, as well? Are you afraid you wouldn't be able to support the kids without him? Are you worried he would try to take the kids from you? Or are you just physically afraid- not sure what he might do to you- the kids- or even himself? Do you have any supportive friends or family to help you when you leave? Sorry to ask so many questions, but there is something keeping you with him, it would be helpful to figure out what that is, and then work out a way of dealing with that..

Please let us know how you are doing. Good luck!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 9:26pm

"What about my kids?"
Here's what. Your sons will treat their girlfriends and wives the same as their dad is treating you. Your daughters will seek out boyfriends who are "just like dad".

Call a counselor. Make a plan. Get the he(( out of there.

You are smart, you are kind, you are a good person. You deserve to be treated like one. You don't have to throw your life and your happiness and your children's future into the gutter for the sake of this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:58am
It's time for you to think about what you want to do, I think. If not for yourself, then for your kids- I know you don't want them to think this is OK and normal. A lot of the other posters have mentioned things that are definitely worth considering.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:04pm

Thank you all so much!!! I know the right thing to do. I am so thankful that I decided to open up to all of you. I have consulted with a therapist and an attorney. It is going to be rollercoaster, but with the support of my friends and the wonderful people here, I know I can do it.

My one wish is that one day, I can offer someone the support you have all given to me.

I am tearful right now because I know that I must close a chapter of my life. I am also a bit tearful because I know that I need to do this for myself, my children and for other that have touched my life in positive ways.

I love you all!!! Thank you.

Maddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:44pm

Sweetheart, if you're asking yourself what your problem is, then you're on the wrong question.