So Confused. This feels Different.
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So Confused. This feels Different.
| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 2:31pm |
I am so confused about this whole abuse thing. My boyfriend has a lot of these signs. He is very controlling. He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he restricts where I work, who I talk to, where I go, etc. He has isolated me from my friends and family. He abuses me verbally: he calls me a fat, useless whore, etc. He threatens me. He hurts me: pushes, shoves, bruises, pulls my hair, throws me, hits, throws things at me. He destroys my things. What else? He threatens to kill himself if I don't do what he wants. He uses money to control me, by borrowing all mine, saying he will pay me back, and then not doing it, so I depend on him. He blames it all on me and I believe him usually. I was abused for 12 years by my Dad, until my Mom got the courage to throw him out, so I do recognize some of these things, but it feels different.
It is different. The weird part is that I have freaked out back. I have broken his things. I have screamed back at him. I have scratched him, and even slapped him in the face once. I don't know which of us is the abuser. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't have any desire to leave, I just want to be loved and cherished by HIM.
I have never hit a boyfriend before and I believe him when he tells me that he hasn't. Then what is causing this? And how can I make it stop? What should I do? I feel guilty talking about it. Please help!!

Hi teodorra, and welcome -
Your post scares me.
CL-Blueliner4
I have been avoiding telling my mother because she is quick to call almost anything abuse. Also, she is on the other side of the country, and has personal problems that prevent me from talking sincerely to her sometimes.
I don't feel ready to just leave yet. I feel like he really loves me and that a lot of the times he does a good job controlling his temper. He has not punched me yet. Most of the most painful incidents are an accident as a result of his rage. Not that I deserve that... I would like it if it were possible that he could recover.
My main concern and my reason for writing is that these things seem to get worse, and this relationship is only 10 months old. I am afraid that he will get worse. I very much want us to get better, though.
Maybe this is because I have felt so helpless since I have been with him, I don't know. I am still uncertain. I hope you don't feel I am disregarding your advice. I just want to be 100% certain, as it is so hard to leave someone you love.
No, I hear you.
CL-Blueliner4
I remember you mentioning that the abuse from my father was not this bad. I remember it being much, much worse than this, which, I believe, adds to the confusion.
You are right about so many things. It is hard to feel confident and secure again. So very hard. Therefore, it is hard to learn all these things objectively. I posted today because I was looking up a checklist of signs of abuse for a friend. I did not expect to find so many things in common with my situation. I am swimming in denial, which I suppose feels natural after years of doing it in other situations.
Thank you again, and I will keep peeping in.