So confused!! Guilty!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
So confused!! Guilty!
3
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 8:49pm

I have an appointment with a DV counselor on Mon. I'm not even sure if that is the place for me. I know that my BF was abusive when I broke up with him. I talked to him this week. (Even though you all said not to) because I really, really needed him to know that I did not leave him for someone else and have not been with anyone else. I am glad that I had the chance to tell him that. We actually talked a few times over the course of two days. He was really mad at times. He thinks it was all my fault that he got beat up. (He was blacked out after he left the bar when I told him to leave, and noone knows what happened to him.) The next week when he found me with the same goup of people we were with the week before he started trouble (by yelling that I was a slut)and one of the guys pushed him. He said--"They jumped me that night and also the Friday before." He was so, so angry on the phone!!! He finally calmed down. The first day I talked to him I said I was sorry and did the whole I'm a loser thing. The next day, I was able to set my boundaries and told him I would not let him make me feel guilty anymore. I told him he had done that all along in our relationship and I had always accepted the blame and said I was sorry. I told him he needed to accept some responsibility. He wanted to know why I called and wanted to know if I wanted to work on it. I said no. He said he loved me and I decided it was time to get off the phone while we were both calm. There were alot of good times and many times that he was there for me so I did not want to end the relationship with us yelling at each other. ( I know you all think I'm crazy and he deserves nothing good.) My Mom thinks I'm crazy because he called her and told her I was addicted to sex (not true, he was projecting) and told her to suffer among other things. She says I should be glad to be rid of him. I still cry all the time though because I miss him and wish that we ahd been able to work this out and had gone to counseling years ago.

It is very hard not to call him. I picture us meeting in church and being able to understand, forgive, and work on it with God's help.(OK I know you're all thinking yeah, right!) We have both started going to church again and both are going to support groups. His group might possibly be a mandated AA from his DUI I'm guessing. I am trying very hard not to contact him again though. It is probably more because it would be embarrassing to have people see me go back after all this. If noone knew, I probably would be back already. Sounds like classic Battered Women's Syndrome so far, right?

This is where the problems come in. I feel sooo guilty for the times that I played a part in this. I have talked with my regular counselor about this and have gone to confession. I don't feel much better. The thing is, I know that I actually did do some dumb things. He keeps telling me how he begged me to stay home when he was on vacation and I promised I would. Well, I went to a bar. He shouldn't have controlled me but I shouldn't have broken my promise. He told my Mom I had orgies at my house. Well, one night we played strip poker with this same group of people. I only played strip poker but he ended up rubbing himself against the back of another woman. I feel so guilty that I played to begin with though!! One time he got mad because I gave another guy a hug good-bye. (My BF was in the same building) He harrassed me all the way home. I tried not to play into it but he kept on pushing. When we got to my house he was still so mad he was going to leave. I freaked out (maybe my fear of abandonment???) and kicked his truck and hit him and broke his glasses. I also finally said I wanted to kill myself. (He drove me so crazy!) (I also have problems with depression and he knows this) I went inside and locked the door. The next thing I knew, the police were at my door because he called 911 because he was worried about me. This is on my record I'm sure, and I feel like I will be labeled as crazy forever!!!

Another time he would not let up arguing with me and called me names. I slapped him across the face. (Another case of abuse on my part)
Another time we were out drinking and he told me to dance with this guy that we knew was gay. I did. When we got back to our hotel room he started getting so mad at me and wouldn't let up. I finally had my hands around his neck. I then left for awhile since it was the only way to get him to stop being mad and slept in the car until I knew he was asleep.

The last two nights he got mad at me for breaking up with him he broke the mirrors off a new car and broke my kitchen window. Once, last year he broke my garage door opener. That was because we were out and bumped into a girl that had stood up in my wedding and I had not seen in years. He was mad that I did not pay enough attention to him. He got mad at me so I told him to go home then and leave me. (Everytime I finally set some boundaries, it is in anger)

Although he never hit me he was controlling, did not like me having friends, questioned me and interrogated me on everything, and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I know that we also both did really dumb things when we were drinking. He is an alcoholic and although I never need a drink and can go for weeks without drinking I tended to drink too much when I was out with him.

You see, he never hit me although I hit him. I guess I was actually abusive too! Should I even go to the DV counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 8:55pm
I just read the post on sexual abuse. It reminded me of some things. Once, he wouldn't stop even when I was crying and yelling. stop. He would want me to say things I told him I was not comfortable saying. He would be upset if we didn't have sex. And, the night I broke up with him I told him I had had enough when he kept talking about threesomes in public and asked another guy to do one with us. (I never wanted to do this).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:25am

To put it simply:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:19pm
Yes, go to the counselor. Neither my abuser nor my SIL's ever laid a finger on either of us. That's not an absolute criteria, and the other things you've listed him (NOT YOU) doing ARE abuse.
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