So Confused...PLZ Advise
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| Fri, 08-04-2006 - 12:47am |
I don't know even where to begin, so many things have been happening in our relationship. I posted on here a few months back when things had escalated and I received a lot of excellent advise, now I'm desperate for even more.
I have an 8 month old baby with my fiancee. We had a whirlwind relationship that ended with me pregnant. And immediately moved in together. Most of our relationship has been stained by his constant lying about anything and everything....but that is a whole different story.
To chalk it up quickly, we have a very rocky relationship, trying to gain back trust causes some stressful situations.
When we get into fights, we get into good ones. Usually I walk away from the fight, wanting to get space from it. He doesn't like this. On several times in the past he will not let me leave. To physically holding the door closed, to holding my hands, to positioning himself in front of me, all the while telling me "what is wrong with you, why are you so crazy" or demanding I tell him where I'm going and that he has a right to know where I'm taking his son. One time when I was 6 months pregnant, it took me 20 minutes in order to finally leave the house. The only reason I did get out was I bit his shoulder and ran past him. But the 20 minutes were filled with me trying anything to get out, even so much as me laying on the kitchen floor crying and him standing over top of me making sure I can't leave. Very scary. One time, he pinned me on the bed so I couldn't get up while I flailed and yelled and cried. Well, after that specific time, my family got involved, they started telling me he was turning abusive. I put my foot down (rather lightly I see now) and told him that it needs to stop and that when the next time happens I'm out the door. He cried, I cried, he promised never to do it again.
Well...two days ago we got into a stupid fight. I wanted to leave. Knowing what scene would follow, I tried to sneak out. He didn't let me. I had the baby in my arms. He demanded where I was going. He told me he was the guardian of his baby and I had to tell him where I was going. (We live together, we are both guardians, except I'm the primary caretaker!!). I went to walk out the door, he slammed the door shut and punched the door, yelling at the same time. My baby and I were right there. This caused my baby to scream. It broke my heart to see our child scared of what his dad was doing. He demanded I give him the keys (my car was locked up in the garage) I told him he had to let me leave or I was calling the cops and he had no right to keep me there if I didn't want to be there. He said "call the cops, we'll see what they say." So I called my dad. He talked to my fiancee, my dad is rather intimidating, and while they were talking, I ran to my car and left with baby, no diapers or anything....
Now, here is where it gets sticky, I want to give my baby the best life possible and if his dad and I can work it out, all the better for it. I'm stubborn and do not want to give up easily.
Well, I talked to my fiancee the next day, he doesn't think this is abuse. He keeps telling me that he gets frustrated when I try to leave and he wants me to stay and talk. I told him he couldn't use force to keep me there. So my first confusion is, am I overreacting or is this behavior that could lead to abuse later. And is it healthy to be in a relationship where you are scared of the other person at ANY time??!
As a last ditch effort, I asked him to go to counseling for his lying and his anger. He has agreed, moreso I think because he knew it was over if he didn't. The thing is he had a bad childhood with several stepmoms, and a specific bipolar stepmom who was around when he was 10-15 years old. He won't talk about her. So he is willing to go but he seems angry about it. And I'm afraid it won't work if he refuses to admit the problem. So question #2, does therapy even work or am I wasting my time??
To make it all even better, I broke off the engagement, but since he is originally from across the country and knows no one here, he is still living with me but in seperate beds until he gets help. He just walks around angry and frustrated and if I try to talk to him about it, he starts crying or says that he knows he needs help he just doesn't know how. All I hear is him asking for a "pity party" and I'm not sympathetic.
Ugh, I just don't know what to do anymore. It breaks my heart to raise my son in a split home, I want to put forth my best effort not to. But I also don't want to put myself in danger....what do you all think of this situation, any advice, any opinions on what I am saying. Everything I think is right just falters when he keeps saying its wrong.
Thanks in advance for your wisdom. Please help.

Hi,
My heart really goes out to you. Your fiance sounds so much like my ex-husband starting when I was pregnant with our child. He lied a lot, verbally, emotionally, and otherwise abused me, and kept telling me I was crazy. He would instigate awful arguments, during which he would use his large size, intimidating posture, his loud voice, and mean threats to keep me there, but I'd cower and flinch. He also would physically hold me there if he thought I might leave.
I think the attempt at therapy will at least give you time to figure out your next step and strengthen your plan for your future. I don't believe, from my experience and that of others, that abusers are likely to change, but at least trying the therapy will give you the knowledge and reassurance that you've done your best.
This man sounds really scary and deeply disturbed, not to mention disturbing. My ex would scare the baby, too (he'd also yell at the baby and scream out obscene names at the baby and would tell me off for not having gotten an abortion, although we'd planned the pregnancy), and that for me was the last straw. I got divorced five years ago and we have joint custody and he's still just as disturbed as ever, but at least I don't have to live with him, and our kids (he's not the father of my oldest but adopted her after we got married) don't have to witness him abusing me and they have a safe and stable home with me and they still have him as a father, since we share custody.
I suggest you get help from a domestic violence counselor. I'm really glad your parents seem supportive of you. That's really important. I wish you and your baby the best and hope you'll let us all know how you're doing.
Hugs
YES, THIS IS ABUSE.
Without question, kilikina, it is abuse to trap a person who wants to leave inside a house or a room.