So desperate to help my friend!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
So desperate to help my friend!!
5
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 5:44pm

I am beside myself. I always knew that my friend had a tumultuous relationship with her boyfriend (now fiance), but I found out that he beat her two nights ago. He told her it's her fault because she slapped him in the face (due to his severe name-calling), and because he was abused as a kid, he snapped and started hitting her. So he made her promise never to slap him again. He promised he would never hit her again, but he's broken so many promises about his temper. To top it all off, during the argument he had the nerve to call the cops on her and lie. They came over and she had to hide the abuse.

She's been trying to get him to go to couples therapy for a while, and yesterday he agreed. He promises that things will get better, of course, and she is buying it hook and sinker. I grew up abused by a stepmother, so it pains me greatly to see that she's doing this. I can't bear to watch my best friend buy into an abuser's manipulation. No matter what I say, she is standing by him. And this is a smart girl, in law school! I'm afraid of turning her against me, but I'm even more afraid for her. What can I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 7:51pm

Hi honey, welcome -


Hoo boy.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 12:55am
Just be a friend and be there for her. Other than that she's an adult and nobody else can make choices for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:04pm

sansy I know exactly how you feel, I'm going through the same. It's hard!

I found a great article about loving an abuser, and it did help me understand a little better.

It's on this page --> http://www.drjoecarver.com/ ... go to "Articles". It is called "Love and Stockholm syndrome: Loving an abuser".

He's also got an interesting article on identifying abusers, or "Losers" as he likes to put it.

Hope these will help. Read all you can and try to become as knowledgeble about this as you can. But I have to say to you what others have said to me: you must remember that it is up to her to leave, not us. All we can really do is be there and be as supportive as we can. My personal experience has thought me this: Try your best to not be aggressive or judging towards her. Talk to her as often as you normally do and don't start all your conversations by asking "so did he beat you up last night". You get my drift... It is difficult for her to talk about this and she may start to "dread" talking to you because it makes her uncomfortable, and she may become defensive towards you because of denial issues and begin to resent you for your "nosyness".

It's tough but you're a very good friend and she is lucky to have you.

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:46pm
Be her friend and know that this guy would like nothing better than you not to be her friend. They like to isolate us so we think that they are the only ones that will ever care about us and will use all tatics they can. Abuse doesn't care if you are smart or not. Be her friend one day she will see it for what it is and if she has a friend to talk to it will make her life better. I know it has to be hard for you but remember one of his goals so to make you go away altogether. HUGS to you dear and I'll Pray for your friend.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:26am
I just read dr. carver's information and everything he said is so true. It's amazing that he can just be upfront and blunt about abusers. I'm glad that you told us about that website, because it's an eye opener.