so hard to let go...why cant I....
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:23pm |
First thank you for all your kind words and support again. I really do not have anyone to talk to about this because I dont want my family and friends to really know what I am going through again. It hurt them alot to see me go through what I went through before. I need serious help. I can not find the stregthen to leave him alone and let go. I beat my self up everyday because I know I am doing this to myself. I am the one who chooses to stay and put myself through this all over again. It is not even me it is my son too. He does not ever see us fight but I know he knows something is wrong because mom is upset or crying and there is tension in the air. I really can not believe I let myself do this again. I am not only messing my life up but my sons life too. I dont even think I know what real love is. Real true unconditional love. To have someone be there for me no matter what and support me mentally in my decisions. To be my equal not my superior. I have no idea what that feels. like. My parents never even gave that to me. If I did not do as they ask or obey there every command even to this day they will hold grudges, not talk to me, yell at me, call me stupid, etc. The list goes on. U would think they would be proud of me since I did graduate college, have a career, take care of myself and my son at such a young age. No that is not the case. Currently my father will not even talk to me because he does not like something I did.
My BF and I did break up over the weekend and I was ok with it at first. On Friday I went to dinner with him and my son and I ordered a glass of red wine. I even asked if he minded if I drank it. He said do what u want I dont care. So I did. As soon as it gets to the table he said I can not believe you did that after I told you how I felt and not to do it anymore. I said I asked and you did not care that I had a glass. I am thinking in my head why does he care if I have one glass of wine. I worked 60hrs this week and fixed up my house painting afterwards. He did nothing but sleep all day. I think I deserved a glass. He says that he is not staying the nite now and want to go home after dinner. My son said to him I though you were going to play that game with me(new play station game he got) He said yes I did promise you I would. I will come back and play the game with you and I will leave when u fall asleep. I was insulted and angery. How does he get to dictate when he can come and stay. This all because I had a glass of wine. I said nicely to him (because I did not want to fight infront of my son) that it was ok he did not have to come back I would play the game with him and I would just drop him off then he started to say something back and I said no I dont want to talk about it right now while my son is in the car and I will just take you home. That was Friday. I was proud of my self for not calling him all nite. He did not call me either. I called him the next day around 12 noon and he was mad that I did not call him all nite and that he did not want to see me Sat because I disrespected him by drinking. Why does he place these unrealistic demands on me anyway? I said you disrepected me the day before by throwing me on the bed and making me stay in my bathroom crying. He said why do you allways have to throw things in my face. I could not believe my ears. He is comparing abusing me to me having a glass of wine. Where is the logic in that? Then he tells me he is coming to get his things (dog, cds, etc.) and to bring me back my gift I got him for Christmas and to take back my gift he gave me. He said he was not breaking up but wanted to do that. I was so upset because I put a lot of effort into getting a gift that I knew he would like. And I wanted and liked my gift for Christmas. It wasnt much but I used it and liked it. I told him at this point I was feed up with the games and that I was done. He starts screaming fine he doesnt care and yada yada to me. I dont even remeber everything he said. I tried to tell him how I felt but he would not listen and kept talking over me so I hung up crying. I was so upset. He called me a couple of times that nite but I did not answer and was proud of myself. He left messages like I am just checking on you cause u seemed upset. I went out with some friends that nite to try and take my mind off things. Now I know I should have at that point never called and had the no contact but I was so weak and called him back the next day. He says that he does not want me anymore that I went out to a bar and disrespected him for the last time. He said that I should have never took my A** out of that house. He said he stayed home and did I see him going out to get drunk. I dont understand why does he care if I go out or not. I mean I am not going out to cheat on him or do anything out of the ordinary. And we where not even together we broke up. I have not even went out since last year in October too. Now I know this is the time to let go but I am having a really hard time doing that. I am still taking his call and calling him. I am even apologizing for going out to him and I dont really think I was wrong in the situation. I am again so mad at myself and wish I could take control of my life once again. Thanks for listening.

You did nothing wrong; I think you know that.
You are right about one thing, though, and that is that you need to have NO CONTACT. Don't return his calls, and don't call him. He uses the contact to work on you, and if you are already broken up, you are halfway out. All you need to do is keep going!
If it helps you, think about your son. You are right when you say he is picking up on this, and what he is learning is that it is OK to control and mistreat women. If he continues to see this as an example, he will do the same thing one day. It is not too late to stop him from doing that!
Check out our board website, accessible through the "Learn more about this community" link at the top of the page, for ideas on how to maintain NO CONTACT and get through the early stages of a separation. And keep posting; that's what we're here for.
Hi.
WOW! I just read your post, my life was EXACTLY like yours when I was with my ex. EXACTLY. Mind games, manipulation, guilt. He did something wrong to you by locking you down and making you cry so hard and making your insides so sad, and instead of correcting the behavior, taking reponsibility for it, he is going to pick on you, put you down, point out what a bad girl you are all to deflect what he did. If you want, go back and read my posts, they started about Sep 14 05 I think. My ID is SH3569.
My ex would scream at me for going out with friends too, he would leave me nasty messages if I went out, he once broke into my house when I was out. I usually meet my girlfriends for happy hour and am almost NEVER out past 10, and I still was tortured for it. but he could go out to bars all nightl long, when I would call he would say F-U and hang up, but if I went for an itallian dinner at 7pm with a gal pal, holy hell to pay!!
He could scream at me, call me names, hang up on me, threaten to leave me, break into my home, choke me and for some reason, I always made him do it or my actions in reacting to him were W R O N G. He used to say you disrespected me by going out, blah blah.
My Mother hates him too. She saw how I was a shell of a victim when I was with him.
I left him 5 times before I finally left FOR GOOD. The first three times I broke up with him I was so sad and lonely I went back. The last two, I was like forget this, this final time, he begged to come back, planned trips, left diamonds for valentines day. But get this, it took him EXACTLY 21 days to go back to the control freak he always was. It took him 21 days, and on day 21, yes, you guessed it, I went out to dinner with Kim, and he lost it. Called me every name in the book, said I was horrrible, not committed to us because I want to go to a bar....swore at me, made me cry, I hung up on him and said WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??????? Why am I taking this???? I deserve so much better.
Everytime I left him, more blessings came into my life too. My job is better than ever, i made new friends, rekindled old frindships, my parents are so happy he is not with me anymore and we do things together, i fixed my house the way I want it....
One thing though, I realized I might have been a bit addicted to the abuse. I know that sounds weird but I realized the first couple of times I left I was so wrought with pain and no one was yelling at me...almost like I didn't want to get over the pain because that meant he was gone for good. I have so much more time on my hands now because I am not fighting at night and on weekends with him, hearing how WRONG I am and disrespectful. I actually have caught myself being bored because I am not fighting...time for a new hobby!!
Here is one lesson I learned and it ws a hard one to learn but thnak GOD i finally got it.....A LEOPARD DOES NOT CHANGE IT's SPOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took my leopord 21 days to go back to his old self. They don't change, it is all a part of their sick game to manipulate and control. I truly believe my ex got off on making me cry, like it made him stronger.
Please please, walk away and don't look back. There are so many blessings around the corner for you and your son. I PROMISE!!!!!!
Sheri