& so it gets worse ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
& so it gets worse ....
7
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 7:59pm

I guess i was stupid by getting involved, but #1 i wanted more truth & #2, i coudlnt help but telling M (STBX) what i thought of all this. I broke my own rule during this waiting period of laying low.

Today a call came to me on my own cell, again, from his boss. This time the boss, D, telling me M had called a salesman for tools & ordered stuff for the shop pretending to be the boss. Whats INTERESTING is yesterdy M & I both answered the phone at home & a professional sounding guy asked for, by name, Mikes boss. He said "R, hang up" & then when i got downstairs said to me "That was weird, dont know how that guy got MY number, thinking this was D's house". I didnt think anything of it, figured some guy got their phone #'s confused. Originally his boss left me a LONG message, & it did seem like he was pretty - i dont know - almost like manic about it. M had always said this guy is a little nutz, but thats calling the kettle black, obvioulsly. He was threatening that if Mike didnt stop harrassing him, he would make a call to the private school we want dd to go to, telling them not to admit her b/c her Dad i a psycho. & that he woudl call the Fire cheif & report the same. He is on the baord of that school & he is good freinds w/ the fire cheif. So i just said "Listen, i can only give him the message (M wont answer his calls) -& he is an adult & whatever you decide to do, he will have to deal with. BUT ... please dont screw up dd's chance at this school b/c her father screwed up". He said he wouldnt. So this is where i got TOO involved - i called a mutual freind of both M & his boss, who sort of already intervened in it yesterday by calling M & telling him not to keep doing stuff. M keeps telling me that his boss is nutz & making this all up. i DONT belive him, but i really felt i needed confirmation. & THIS guy told me that although he is freinds w/ both, he knows M well enough to know that he DID do this in retaliation & based on his past things he "has seen" of Mike, he beleives the boss. He then asked me to keep that conversation b/w us & i said yes, of course. *I* dont care if M knows i called him, but it would be easier if he didnt.

So ... i was at the grocery store w/ dd when I called home. I said exactly this "Listen, i dont want this brought up when dd is at home, but i need you to know i DONT beleive you & i believe you *have* done all this. Not only is this putting in jeapordy my & dd's reputation if they arresst you, not only is this now putting her private schooling into jeapoardy, but you are putting in jeapordy all this money we have put towards this law suit for the fire dept job. I am telling you, STOP. Stop doing things to this guy or it will be worse for all of us".

He flipped out on the phone telling me i never stand behind him, etc. (he ALWAYS says that - its always the world against him) - & he said "I woudlnt come home here tonite if you knwo whats good for you". Then he hung up. He called back 5 min later & said "You B****, DONT come home or i will tear you a new *SS****". I had dd & both dogs with me. So we are staying elsewhere tonite, of course.

I 1/2 want to - & SHOULD, i know - file for teh R.O. tomorrow as oppossed to waiting till the planned time on March 21st. I ceratinly will if things dont simmer down - but they always do by the next day. 1st thing i will do is call my atty in the AM. I have put so much into planning this & the time frames of financail stuff, where we can go, who can take the animals, time off from work to get out of town to serve him - i jst dont want to jump the gun if i dont HAVE to ... but as i said, i certainly will if the need be. Plus dd's kids bday party is Sat. If i leave now, that wont be able to happen.

Just wanted to update. R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:14pm

You're right, this is getting worse.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:36pm

You're probably right. Maybe i will move this all up sooner - much sooner.

& "entitled"??? You have never MET anyone more ENTITLED in your life! He never finished h.s. (has a GED), he never really worked a steady job, he never really lived on his own - from his Mom to g.f.'s who supported him i suppose, to me who supports him - he never worked full time responsibly while married - he married someone w/ 3 college degrees, from a good family w/ a great job & income ... & he STILL doesnt even EVER TRY to better himself. Instead he looks down at those who HAVE bettered themselves & have things b/c they WORK FOR THEM. Want to knwo something really funny? (well not funny) When he tested for the F.D. he DID come out #2 out of over 100, w/ test scores. BUT, he also thought it was "riduculous" that candidates got extra points added on after b/c of "stupid degrees or schooling". He thinks that a fire science degree, or certifications, ect, in teh area "Dont make you a better firefighter". In the 3 years this law suit has been going on , he has done NOTHING to better himself. I watched his lawyer CHEW HIM OUT 4 mo ago saying "You have doen NOTHING to increase your chances of this outcome being good for you - you have had THREE YEARS to do so. Have you taken a class? Have you educated yourself AT ALL? Have you even ATTEMPTED to make it LOOK like you are trying?" My H's response to me later was "What an *ss his lawyer was". In his mind, he IS entitled to everything w/o working for it ... being a job, a boat, "toys" ... he just wants & takes ... & gives very little in return.

Ick. R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:51pm

Hon, I just read Har's post.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:00pm
Ok, NOW i am scared - just by what you guys are saying. I tried to call my atty, NO emergency # on the machine. I will not HESITATE to call 911 if he shows up where we are & threatens me - i doubt he will think to look here - but he could. I will update - can you send me your email - or Mamma - I mean sorry, phone #, JIC i need face-to-face (ear-to-ear!) advice, IF you felt comfortable doing that? My eamil is Nwptrn@yahoo.com My cell batter is literally NEVER dead. Its always liek a 2 day charge, & of coure, its DEAD. But i could e you back the phone of the house i am at if that is more comfortable for you. I cannot beleive it has come to this. R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:22pm

Yep, it could be my past life with the X except for a few details. The feeling of entitlement in abusers is very strong. No matter how badly they behave they expect you to back them up 100%. They put you in a rotten position where no matter what they have done they want you to support them no matter what. It's never their fault, the universal forces of nature are always out to get them.

Apart from the stress their antics cause, the embarrassment etc it's apparently your job to keep them pointed in the right direction at all times & cover what ever mess they have made for themselves no matter what the cost to you. Any attempt to point out where blame really lies or trying to get them to accept responsibility for their actions ends in violent tantrums, accusations of disloyalty & days or weeks of he abuser making your life a misery for having the audacity to make them face the reality of their situation. As I said to Jodyannrn, one of the first things they do is make you think you are responsible for them. Even when you leave you ask for less or no money for the kids because you don't want to send them broke, you let them see as much of the kids as possible out of guilt. You take as little from the house as possible to lessen the inconvenience & pain you think you're causing. Well no more. Don't do what I did, you grab EVERYTHING & piss off without a backward glance. You know he has created this situation for himself. Don't tell yourself you have to wait until his life is more settled & the drama is over. The drama never stops. Turn your thinking around now, not in 3 ½ years time like I did. He's an adult & it's high time he looked after himself. I'm sorry if I sound bossy, I just hate the thought of anyone going through what I did. We try & be fair & good to these men & they take us for fools. All they want is a mother they can screw, someone who will put up with their crap no matter what. They give nothing but stress & grief & we get the privilege of washing the skid marks off their underwear as a way of thanks.

When he met you he targeted you as an easy ride, hard worker, well educated, good natured, eager to please, loyal etc. Here was his meal ticket. It's not only happened to you & me but countless others. That's what makes me wonder if there is some sort of college for these people, it's so prevalent. It's ok to be taken in by one of these men once but not twice or three times. Don't regret the time with him, just chalk it up to a life lesson & make sure one of these parasites never comes near you again. That's the conclusion I came too.

Keep us posted & let us know how you go.

Love & hugs from Katie Bear xxxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:57pm

Wow, that just hit home. My situation had so many similarities to others but none sounded so precisely like mine as yours does. Oh dear, get out quick and don't feel a bit of guilt about it. Keep remembering this through the whole divorce process too, because every now and then you may think (imagine) you are seeing a little speck of remorse from him and so you start to give in a little and feel guilty. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN! These guys don't feel remorse. I am beginning to think they are not human because the behavior is so strange and unpredictable that they can't possibly be. Fix this in your head ANYTIME you start to feel guilt or doubts. It will take a huge burden off your shoulders if you allow yourself to take no responsibility for him.

Mine also thought he was entitled to everything. He also looked down on higher degrees. I have two degrees and he kept dropping out of college because 'his career was more important'. His career was a security guard at a casino. When I got a professional job, he started acting jealous and claiming he could do my job without getting the degree. Then he started telling everyone this fictitious story about how he didn't get his degree in order to work his bum off to pay for mine. (mine was through a grant and I worked full time for a full paycheck while going through school) He threatened to abandon me if I didn't find him a job NOW and so I did. I had a friend who I cried to and begged to get him in with my own employer in another department. He got it and had a professional job without the college work most everyone else had to do. He worked two years like that and cried, complained and plotted to destroy his hated colleagues every minute of it. He was let go, probably for his bad attitude, and of course I was again to blame. Now he claims I have ruined his life and possibility of working (he is 35) so I should pay him spousal support. My attorney says no chance. And I still felt guilt for this inhuman guy. I tried to lower the child support because of it and the attorney stood firm, thank goodness. I will take what the law prescribes and just NOT FEEL GUILTY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:11am

I understand wanting to talk to someone you "know", but it's not safe for you, or really even for me right now.

CL-Blueliner4