So many problems....so little time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
So many problems....so little time?
4
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:48pm
Well, I've posted here before and on other boards, and it's venting time again. Sorry, but bear with me, let me get it all out so I can get it out of my system. Ok, last time I posted on another board, I wrote that I was not going to take it anymore and wanted to post an ultimatum to STBX for help with a smaller apartment, blah, blah blah. Well, I am not going to go forward with this as of yet because I need to take care of so many other things first. My husband has treated me like sh** for many years already (five years approx.- long enough). He comes from a family that chronically does not compliment even a smidgen of what you do, and does not acknowledge it either. (When we lived close to his parents, I baked two birthday cakes for his mom, she did not say one word about it.) Anyway I am living like this for ten years, where not one, mind you NOT ONE thing I do is acknowledged in any way shape or form. You probably think I am exaggerating, but not one crumb of a good word comes my way on anything. What, do you ask? Well, never acknowledged me as a woman. NEVER asked for sex. EVER. In the beginning, I asked for it, then it stopped altogether. Not rarely, but NEVER. Ok. The house will be spotless, not one ounce of acknowledgement. Food - it's good, he"ll say, because I taught him that, but it's very lacking in sincerity. Poems, I had written in a post before that I write and do other things - not one ounce of support. Not one feeling like he thinks I'm any good at all. I'm very funny, my daughter always says "Mom you need to apply for 'America's Funniest Moms'. Me- funny? He's always saying "Mom thinks she's funny" in a straight face, everytime I try to be funny. Was I ever funny? In general I am good in the performing arts. Let me tell you when the holidays roll around and I knock myself out making everything perfect and there is no acknowledgement it kills me. When I am sick, he"ll also say he doesn't feel good,and comes thru the door after work complaining that he doesn't feel well. Doesn't even ask me how I feel. Remember I'm a people pleaser and a perfectionist as well. A perfectionist who doesn't get an ounce of recognition for what I do. I realize that in the course of this marriage, I started getting less support from the outside as well. I started getting more criticism from work, etc. Even though now I am a SAHM. I told him for the upcoming holidays - you better not eat my food if you're not going to help me for the holidays or acknowledge me. Anyway, if I don't get great feedback on my upcoming dinner table with the people I invited - I'm going to scream!!!!!
It makes you question whether you've done anything at all. I don't think I can take anything else he partakes in that I create with the same lack of acknowledgement as before. Please, please share if you've ever felt the same way, doesn't it make you feel like everything you do doesn't count? Man, am I going to need therapy after this marriage is over. To take away layers and layers of sh** he's thrown my way. Am I not worthy of a single speck of acknowledgment from him or his retarded family? Does everything I do mean nothing? Man, I am tired. I need to get out of this. And I happen to be a GOOD cook, and good at many things, so it's even more puzzling. Please don't think I am being conceited but I am a perfectionist, and like to be good at what I do. Please help. I feel like I can't take it anymore. To constantly be on the lookout and never say anything good goes beyond what he says as it being "his nature." To me, it is a person who goes out of his way to make sure never, absolutely never to say a good word. Emotional abuse. By the way, it's gotten to the point where I can't vent to him (like we all need to do sometimes) because he"ll start attacking me verbally. He does not let me vent. What did I do to deserve this? It's so ironic. A person like me who is such a people pleaser, wants so much to make people feel good to be paired up with a person like this. It's not fair. Please, please tell me what I need to do? I can't understand why this is happening to me. It seems too cruel a verdict for me. Maybe just tell me I am not worthless, and this has no bearing on me at all, I need to hear that, because the cruelty of all of this is so strong. Thanks in advance. (If you were ever in this situation how did you get out, and how did you heal yourself from all of this?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 7:57am

I'm sorry that you're going through everything you are. I wanted to throw some quotes your way, I hope that they help. They deal with the anger that seems to come accross in your post. Maybe it sounds silly to give you quotes on anger right now, but I truly feel that that will help you. Here goes:


"He who angers you conquers you."
-- Sister Elizabeth Kenny (1880?-1952), Australian nurse, developed simple treatment for paralysis by poliomyelitis


"There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust."
-- Saint Francis de Sales (1567-1622), French Roman Catholic preacher, Doctor of the Church


"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses."
-- William Arthur Ward


Here is my advice. Get a circle of friends, make them all aware. Formulate a plan with the goal set as you living on your own. Seperate the living on your own part from the divorce - some divorces take awhile (mine has taken 8 months so far and I don't have a decree yet). Baby step, baby step and you'll do fine. The CLs here always offer awesome advice. I know that you can get out, I know that you can make it on your own - you have much strength already. It is scary, I won't lie. It was very scary for me, I still get scared at times. But I think you're going to do fine, I think that if you have a great plan in place and you're focusing your energies on a good positive goal that you'll be on your own before you know it with a divorce decree in your hands and more knowledge than you know what to do with. :)


Keep posting, keep staying aware and keep at it. :)


Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:38am

Hey, it's ok to feel angry,....but don't let it get to you.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:10pm
Thank you iawakened for your response. (Cool name.) I liked the quotes you sent my way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:12pm
Thank you for your response. What you said was true and helpful.