So tired...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
So tired...
2
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:33am
Warning. Brain dump coming.

Sigh.

I'm sitting at work, done for the day, and don't even want to go home. It's the same thing every day. I know there will be a confrontation almost from the moment I walk in the door over something. Yesterday it was me asking "Did you get started on the sheet rock?" (We're remodeling a room and need to have the mudding and taping done by the weekend because my dad is coming back into town to help finish the project. He yelled at me for getting help on the project too, but that's another story) No accusation. No tone in my voice. Just a question. He goes off on how I say he never does anything during the day, which I didn't say. I asked him to come into the bedroom and talk, to alleviate the need to holler across the house. He said "there you go, trying to control everything and trap me in the room." I told him I refused to participate in his "crazy version of things." He then yelled at the kids who were in the next room, accusing them of eavesdropping (as if they couldn't hear him freaking out) and said to them in a condescending tone, "Listen to your mother calling me crazy." I stepped in. Told him to leave, which he did. But DD was very upset already, crying and clinging to me.

I hate this drill every day. It puts me in a mood that takes me at least a half hour to come down from. I end up being snappy.

I feel like I spend all my time trying to undo the damage he does to the kids. I cannot hardly handle my 10yo son anymore, because he simply refuses to listen to me at all. Mocks me when I am talking. Won't do anything I ask. When I try to do something like send him to his room, simply says no. Last night says, "why don't you just hit me."

I am pretty much indifferent to him at this point, but try to keep things reasonably civil. But nothing seems to work. We spent all of the last week working on the house, both of us putting in very long, exhausting days. Then he doesn't understand why I am angry that he goes to bed at 10 p.m. with the kids still up, no teeth brushed and several loads of laundry left to be done, without offering to help. Even when my parents were around, he was being a jerk. We were putting up siding and I suggested that we measure things first. He said no, and then a couple minutes later when my mom was helping and I noted that things were not fitting right, he says in a "told-you-so" tone, "why don't we measure it." WHAT?!?!

I don't know why I don't just end it. External pressure. My own stubbornness. Finances. Logistics. Fear of change. I can't hardly even long for things to be the way they used to be, because now I have too much information and can't just gloss over the bad stuff. I'm so tired. I feel like I never have a rest from anything.

Just venting.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:49am
Hugs mg,

I think it's time to take yourself out to dinner...alone. Wendell and I very seldom did projects together because of the exact reasons you are talking about with your H. Of course, though, Wendell did very little anyway.

I'm concerned about you 10 yo. He is already playacting how your H treats you. He doesn't know any better, he is just acting out what he has learned. Take that as a huge red flag.

Don't feel bad about not being able to end it. I stayed for 27 years. At that point, I had no choice. I was such a mess that it had become a matter of survival. I lost alot and truthfully never thought that I would ever be right again. The fear of change is always the biggest thing, but remember change is constant and is happening around you every day. I have been out 8 months and NOTHING would ever make me go back again. You cannot even imagine what it is like to go home and want to go home...it is a great feeling. Hang in there.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 7:27pm
Thanks for the kind words. I am fast finding that a project was a very BAD idea. I was up until 3 a.m. working on sheetrock to try to get done in time because he did NOTHING on it all day long! It wouldn't be so bad if I just expected I would have to do it all myself. But when I spend the day at work counting on him doing some of it and then me coming home and doing the rest... ARGH! Being let down all the time really stinks. You would think my psyche would have learned by now not to count on him. Anyway, prompted a mini-breakdown on my part and I am exhausted today, physically and emotionally.