So what do I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
So what do I do now?
2
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:59pm

With my previous post, I think that it's been well-established that the way my DH treats me and the kids clearly qualifies as abuse. I need some guidelines on what to do now.

The last part of my post got deleted because I was so long-winded, but here's what it basically says. I would really like to be able to discuss this with my pastor or our family doctor (he's also a Christian, I see him often and we have a good, open relationship). However, I know that by law, both of them are required to report any knowledge of child abuse to the "proper authorities", so I don't know that I can do that. What I'm envisioning is going in to one or the other to get some advice on what to do (see below) and because of the conversation, they have to call in the child protection people and the kids get taken into foster care. I honestly think that even as horrible as what their father is doing is, foster care (especially in our state) would be much more damaging.

I talked to DH somewhat yesterday and told him that I just cannot stand his anger toward me and the kids any more. He said "okay, I just won't be angry any more. I'll just turn it off..."click"...see, now it's off. No more angry." And smiled at me. Well, I know that in the past, he's gone through phases where he promises not to do certain things or act a certain way (not necessarily with anger issues, but other stuff) and he eventually does it again. As wonderful as it would be if he truly were "over" his anger issues, I see two problems with that. First, I don't trust him to truly be over it. Too many broken promises in the past. Second, if anything, I'm more worried now than I was before. In my opinion, bottling up anger is only going to result in a spectacular explosion at some point in the future. Sure, maybe he'll be happy and not yell or do any of those mean things for a week, a month, a year. But what happens when he can't contain all that anger he's held in all that time and it comes boiling out? A broken bone? A concussion? A severely injured (physically or emotionally) child?

As much as I'd love to be relieved and think "it's all over and I don't have to worry any more", I am positive that I DO need to be worried. What's more, I need to be proactive and get this situation fixed for real.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. I can kick DH out of the house. We live quite close to his whole family, and I think that he could move in/live with his parents (literally 5 minutes away) for a while. The way I see this happening is that I pack all his stuff up and put it in the trunk of his car while he's at work, write a letter explaining what I am doing and why and leave it taped to his steering wheel, and I would change the locks on the doors to our house so he could not get in. The condition for him moving back in would be that he seek counseling both by himself and that he agrees to marriage counseling as well - and the counselor would have to state to me that he believes that DH has worked through his issues enough that he is no longer a threat to us.

2. I can leave. Unfortunately, there is no where nearby that I can think of to go. My only option (that I see) if I leave, would be to go to my parents' home, which is over 1400 miles away. This would obviously involve a LOT more work, since I'd have to pack up and take enough stuff to 'keep' four kids and myself for what could be a very long time. The conditions of my return would be the same as the conditions above. I just don't see how we'd be able to work on our marriage or I'd be able to get assurance from the counselor if I'm half-way across the country.

Here are my concerns. I'm worried about staying; worried that he possibly could become so enraged that he'd try to break in to get to me/us, or that he'd catch me unaware some time when I'm not at home (grocery shopping, etc). I'm worried about leaving because I don't want to cause legal problems by "taking the kids away". He's always threatened me that the only thing that I could do that he'd divorce me over was to leave him. So if I leave, what if he files for divorce and a judge grants him sole custody because I "took" the kids? How do I make it clear to him and the state that I am taking the kids away to keep them safe?

Another concern would be that I have no money/means of supporting my kids. I'm a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom. The most money I get is maybe $400 every 6 months for a little bit of consulting work I do. What if he cuts me off from all our money? We have a joint bank account, but he could close it and leave me with nothing at all. My van is also only in his name. He could easily report it stolen.

Are there places or organizations in place that I can ask these questions and get some solid counsel without getting my kids taken away?

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:19pm

My children were also being abused when I started making steps to leave and I was concerned about revealing this aspect to those helping me (at the DV shelter and counsellors) but from my experience as long as I was taking the necesary steps (whether small or big) to remove the children and myself from the situation they would not consider contacting CAS. My DD actually told her kindergarten teacher a couple of things her Dad had done and so she contacted me and I told her we were putting together a plan to leave and nothing was pursued. By making these moves you are protecting your children and yourself.

As for your first option...". I can kick DH out of the house. The condition for him moving back in would be that he seek counseling both by himself and that he agrees to marriage counseling as well - and the counselor would have to state to me that he believes that DH has worked through his issues enough that he is no longer a threat to us." Unfortunaltey the sad, sad statistic on abusers that truly change is at about 1%, be very careful of this as he could very easily mnipulate any counsellors or therapists ionto belieivnig that he is a "changed man" only to very quickly revert back to his abusive ways. My suggestion is for YOU to seek counselling but make sure they are one specifically trained in DV as there are too many horror stories of women being compleltey bamboozled by therapist ignorant on the dynamics of spousal abuse. A great source for this information and for a lot of the information you are seeking can be found by calling your local DV shelter. I found counselling for me and my kids, finacial assistance, legal assistance and housing. Please try not to worry about the what ifs that prevent you from taking these important first steps just take it as you go and do not worry about what will happen to him or what he will do to you (let the police handle that one). But I would seek DV counselling for you tohelp you sort your thoughts and feelings and be able to make these decisions.

Hugs,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 9:44pm
Yep, this is one of those things where if you have to ask, the answer is yes. :( I would start by contacting your local DV shelter, accessible in the yellow pages of your phone book, and telling them just what you told us. They can help you assess your situation and choose the safest option. Also check out our board website, accessible through a link in our start page. Do let us know what happens!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com