SOMEBODY tell me if this is abuse....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
SOMEBODY tell me if this is abuse....
12
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:37pm

I know this sounds insane, but I think I'm just now (after 3 years) beginning to think my BF might be abusing me...

I have been posting on the mismatched libos message board. But I think I've come to realize that he really does not have a low libido. He looks at porn almost every day, but claimed he had to sex drive (he didn't know I knew about his porn viewing). When I would beg him if it was me (before I knew about the porn), he would insist that it had nothing to do with me. So that's why I accepted that we would probably never have a good sex life. But hey, I had great sex with guys who were not great for me. So I figured that I would deal with it...UNTIL he said it WAS me. He said he like thinner women. (I need to drop about 20 pounds) Said he just didn't feel sexual about me. That I was his best friend. We agreed that we would stay together until we figured it out. This was about 5 months ago. A month after he said all of this, he said something to the effect that we would be together forever. No discussion, no apology, nothing...And of course, I'm left confused and angry that he's going to "settle" for me. Okay, sounds like a porn problem, right? But I'm starting to think it's more than that. Here are some strange things that he does. Tell me what this sounds like:

1. He often critizes me. Says little things lie "You are always late" or "you never do what you say you are going to do".

2. At first I thought my weight was the issue. But now that I think about it, he makes comments about my hair or my clothes. He seems very much into appearances.

3. One of the strangest things I have ever seen is how he is so attention seeking. He will take my pet bird to the edge of the driveway and wait for passersby to stop and ask him about the bird. If we take the bird to the park or pet store, he's all about being the one to hold her and act like he's the owner. Wierd, huh? He's like this about other things too. He will lie about events when he's telling a story so that it's all about him.

4. Sometimes he will blow up for not much reason. Mostly, he avoids uncomfortable discussions by telling me that I'm insecure when I complain about something. If I don't like the way the weather looks, somehow I'm insecure. If I ask him why he made a nasty remark, he will answer by telling me that I'm only complaining because I'm insecure. I got so mad about that the other day that I told him I never want to hear that word again.

5. He will betray my confidence by telling my grown kids or friends things that he knows will get them upset with me.

6. He tells me he doesn't want to hear about my work problems - he has enough stress of his own.

7.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:36pm

Yes everyword that you have described is abuse. One thing that is often mistaken in an abusive relationship is that we feel responsible for having caused the abuse. We often go over the verbal confrontations that take place with our abusive partners, we ask ourselves
maybe it really is me? If only I could change what he is upset about the problem would cease to exist. I'll tell you a story that will put how your partner thinks into perspective. That was the issue in my relationship, I gained 25 pounds in one year. I didn't want to take care of myself, I was depressed and all i ever wanted to do was eat. So he once said "if you looked like you did when I first met you, I woudln't treat you this way" So I went on a diet and lost 25 pounds, in 3 months. The abuse continued, the daily beatings still took place, and he still verbally attacked me any chance he got.

So the point is that whether or not you drop those 20 pounds, the abuse will continue. It will get worse with time, because once you drop the weight he will find other vulnerable points that exist inside of you, and he will crush them and destroy your self esteem.
In your post you said "He said he like thinner women. (I need to drop about 20 pounds) Said he just didn't feel sexual about me. That I was his best friend. We agreed that we would stay together until we figured it out. This was about 5 months ago. A month after he said all of this, he said something to the effect that we would be together forever. No discussion, no apology, nothing...And of course, I'm left confused and angry that he's going to "settle" for me." This is clearly the biggest indication that this is abuse. Abuser's never feel the need to further explain things, never discuss or apologize. What abuser's do is leave you hanging. They make you wonder "oh is he just settling for me?" They love doing this to us. Right now he has you exactly where he wants you. Angry and confused, unsure of what lies ahead.

You don't have to change anything about you. You are perfect the way you are. Your partner is very abusive, I can tell from your post, your description of his behaviour. He was exactly like my ex. Right now he is messing with your mind telling you "You are always late" or "you never do what you say you are going to do". He's making you doubt yourself. You will end up going crazy if you stay with him.

I want you to check out www.youarenotcrazy.com this website will validate your feelings. You will be surprised to recognize a lot of your partner's behavior on this site.

If you ever get the chance, please buy the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. You need to read this book, it is such an eye opener. You can always send me a message on the board, You are not alone, You have us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:39pm

Hi DM... Welcome to the board :)

I am going to list your list that you wrote and make some comments.

1. He often critizes me. Says little things lie "You are always late" or "you never do what you say you are going to do"... This is hard to say if it is abuse or not. What other things does he say?

2. At first I thought my weight was the issue. But now that I think about it, he makes comments about my hair or my clothes. He seems very much into appearances. **Does he not want you to wear certain clothes? Does he get mad if you wear a low cut shirt and won't let you wear it. Does he say that you are his and he doesn't want anyone else looking at you?

3. One of the strangest things I have ever seen is how he is so attention seeking. He will take my pet bird to the edge of the driveway and wait for passersby to stop and ask him about the bird. If we take the bird to the park or pet store, he's all about being the one to hold her and act like he's the owner. Wierd, huh? He's like this about other things too. He will lie about events when he's telling a story so that it's all about him.
**Does it talk about himself a lot... and is very selfish? Abusers are extremly selfish.

4. Sometimes he will blow up for not much reason. Mostly, he avoids uncomfortable discussions by telling me that I'm insecure when I complain about something. If I don't like the way the weather looks, somehow I'm insecure. If I ask him why he made a nasty remark, he will answer by telling me that I'm only complaining because I'm insecure. I got so mad about that the other day that I told him I never want to hear that word again.
**Why is he saying that you are insecure? I believe that when people make fun of other people for being insecure.. they are the ones that are actually insecure. They are trying to get attention away from them and onto someone else.

5. He will betray my confidence by telling my grown kids or friends things that he knows will get them upset with me. ** That is just mean. Is he trying to pick a fight.

6. He tells me he doesn't want to hear about my work problems - he has enough stress of his own. ** He is being selfish again. He is only thinking about himself.

I am not sure if this is abuse or not. I do know one thing is that he isn't very nice to you, he sounds very insecure, sounds quite selfish. Just me reading your post and you writing a few things about what you dislike about him is a red flag for me. I believe that when you are with someone you want to be with there won't be very many points of dislike. There will always be dislikes about your SO.. but they should be things that you can live with. He does sound a little bit immature and an attention getter. This is just my opinion.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:14pm
Those are very good resources Rosie sent you to. Be sure to see the abuse checklists on the board's homepage and you could also do some research on narcissistic personality. I think all of this information will help you immensely. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 4:22pm

"He said he like thinner women. (I need to drop about 20 pounds) Said he just didn't feel sexual about me. That I was his best friend. We agreed that we would stay together until we figured it out. This was about 5 months ago. A month after he said all of this, he said something to the effect that we would be together forever. No discussion, no apology, nothing..."

I missed this part when I posted my last post.

You do not need to loose any weight for this man! You do not need to lose any weight for any man.. unless he is your doctor. You best friends do not treat you the way that he is treating you. I thought my abuser as my best friend too.. But soon enough people kept reminding me that he wasn't my best friend. Best friends are there for you.. they do not intentionally hurt you. Oh...Abusers rarely say they are sorry. They do not take any responsibilities for their actions. They blame everyone else around them. You will hear that a lot about abusers switching around stories and blaming anyone but themselves. When abusers are done with a discussion they are done and that is the end. It does not matter if we are still sad and not over it yet. We should be fine becuase they are fine.

Keep posting and venting...
Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:30pm
I always tell people that if you have to ask, it probably is. :( Check out our website, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page. It discusses abuse at length, including the fact that abuse is not necessarily physical. Please do keep us posted.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:19pm

I looked at the website you suggested. I was shocked to see the description of the way I may be feeling (disconnected, depressed, etc). I'm just not the same person I was, but has been hard to describe. I have had no desire to keep my house clean or fix myself up. I can go for days sometimes without taking a bath or washing my hair. I go as long as I can before I'll pay bills (have not let anything affect my credit yet). I'm not doing yard work and my garage is a mess. Eve my laundry is backed up. I am not a neat freak, but I used to do so much better than this. The worst part is that I don't want to go to work most days. That is also very unlike me. I hold records in sales that will probably never be matched in my industry (not bragging, just saying that I've always taken great pride in my job). But the only thing I can think is that I'm doing a great job of faking everything. I feel like as soon as somebody finds out who I really am, the game will be over.

The sad part about the whole thing is that I guess I must be looking toward him for approval. But instead, my accomplishments are usually overlooked. For example, I began eating better about three weeks ago. I've lost about 10 pounds. And in his defense, he does congratulate me if I tell him I lost a pound. But the other day, he commented again about how the gym would throw a party if they saw me. I snapped back that I hadn't noticed where he'd darkened the door at his gym lately. His reply was that I'm paying for my membership and he gets his for free - Can anyone tell me how that makes sense? When he told me that he's not attracted to me, because of my extra 20, he also said that we would have more sex if I could lose it. Nevermind that HE is the one who has gained 20-25 since we met - not me. It has blown my mind this last three years in an almost sexless relationship. So, I snooped on his computer to see what I could find. I had actually decided that I would find gay porn. No gay porn -but LOTS of straight porn. He gets a daily porn newletter via e-mail (if you can believe that) that I can check to see if he accesses. He does so almost daily. So knowing that he would rather view porn and relieve himself than be with me, put the final blow on my self esteem. But I can't tell him I know, because I snooped to find out this information. The conversation would only be turned around to why I was snooping (which, by the way, I have NEVER done before).

I hate that I love this guy. But he sucked me in early on. He is very handsome and charasmatic. He knows how to make me feel like the most special person in the world sometimes. And alot of times, like tonight, he's great. Came over for dinner - never said one unkind thing. Then other days, he's a total jerk - remarking on everything I say or do. And either way, I am left waiting until the next time I'll see him. What is wrong with me??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:47pm

1. He will comment on my parenting skills, claiming I'm too easy on my kids. He walked out of church Sunday asking me if I paid attention to the sermon (regarding stress). Hell, I'm not the one taking valium to sleep and antidepressants to deal with life (nothing against getting on AD's per say, but he shouldn't remark on how I can't deal with life when I obviously can). He makes comments abot how I never go to the gym (when he never goes either). He tells me I'm forgetful and most of all he calls me insecure. That kills me the most.

2.Never makes comments about what I wear. Of course, I never wear anything sexy anymore anyway. Never remarks on me being his. I've only seen jelousy a few times in three years.

3. He doesn't talk about imself alot, but he creates situations where he is the focal point of the conversation. He will do stuff that will make him look like a good guy - like a perfect boyfriend (in public). My parents love him. Everybody loves him except my best girlfriend who I have confided in abot our huge issue with sex.

4. He calls me insecure for various reasons. For instance, when we first started saying "I love you" to each other, he would say "do you love me?" And I would respond "yes". One time I asked him the same question, and he responded that I wouldn't ask such a thing if I wasn't insecure. What? I was shocked. I never asked again. Also, if I would try to bring up the subject of sex (which I tried to get worked out in the beginning of our relationship) and why he never wanted me, he claimed I was insecure because I was asking. We would go weeks before we'd make love. Then after two years, he finally says he's not attracted to me because I'm 20 pounds overweight. Who wouldn't be insecure? And I still pose the question which noone has ever been able to answer - if sex was important to him, then why doesn't he break up with me to find someone good enough to have sex with? I believe he has an ED, cannot maintain an erection and rarely ejaculates. I think the only way he can relieve himself is thru masterbation. Just my opinion. He will call me insecure over most everything. If he says something I don't like and I tell him so, he'll say I'm just mad because I am insecure.

5. I'm clueless as to why he has done this - I think sometimes it's his way of letting my kids (especially my oldest son)know that I don't have any secrets that he doesn't know about. Competing with them in a way, I guess.

6. He one up's me alot. If I'm stressed about something at work (and I have a VERY stressful job), he will tell me that I have no reason to be stressed as I have a six figure income and HE is all commission. Well, I am too (all commission, that is). But then he remarks that my job is easier because I have an expense account. WHAT?

Tell me your thoughts - sorry so long!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:48pm

will look into in tonight - thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 5:10am

Whether this guy is abusing you or not is irrelevant (if we all vote yes, will you dump him?)--the relevant issue is that he is selfish, avoids intimacy with you, and makes sure the relationship is all about him. You don't need this. You can get the same interaction from a cat, and cats are much easier on your nerves.

Any insecurity you have is about whether or not you deserve a man who will cherish you and be a partner with you in your relationship. You DO deserve such a man, and I hope you'll kick this one to the curb in short order, so you can be available for Mr. Right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:13am

There is nothing at all wrong with you. At this point in your life you just don't love yourself. He has ripped your self esteem so low and has made you feel like you don't deserve better. This is what abuser's will do to us overtime.

I can guarantee you something, the day you begin to rebuild your self esteem and you begin to love yourself, you will leave this man! I know you have the strenghth deep inside of you, it will only take a bit of time.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. I remember I felt like you for a very long time, I had to force myself to get ready in the morning.
The best thing right now, is to see an abuse counselor, I went to my local CLSC and they referred me to someone. This person will talk with you about your relationship, she will give you information on abuse and excersices to rebuild your self esteem. This is a very good starting point.

These feelings that you have, the depression and anxiety, they will vanish when you leave him. I am living proof, for so long i felt depression, had absolutely no energy, I thought I would be this way for the rest of my life.

There is hope, a beautiful life that is waiting for you, when you end this abusive relationship. Don't ever give up. You have found this board, it is a starting point.
I urge you to seek help for yourself, the best help you can receive is from an abuse counselor, in the mean time just keep posting. Get all of your feelings out.

You can check out the domestic abuse homepage, you will find all kinds of articles on abuse. These articles will help you trememdously.

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