SOMEBODY tell me if this is abuse....
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| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:37pm |
I know this sounds insane, but I think I'm just now (after 3 years) beginning to think my BF might be abusing me...
I have been posting on the mismatched libos message board. But I think I've come to realize that he really does not have a low libido. He looks at porn almost every day, but claimed he had to sex drive (he didn't know I knew about his porn viewing). When I would beg him if it was me (before I knew about the porn), he would insist that it had nothing to do with me. So that's why I accepted that we would probably never have a good sex life. But hey, I had great sex with guys who were not great for me. So I figured that I would deal with it...UNTIL he said it WAS me. He said he like thinner women. (I need to drop about 20 pounds) Said he just didn't feel sexual about me. That I was his best friend. We agreed that we would stay together until we figured it out. This was about 5 months ago. A month after he said all of this, he said something to the effect that we would be together forever. No discussion, no apology, nothing...And of course, I'm left confused and angry that he's going to "settle" for me. Okay, sounds like a porn problem, right? But I'm starting to think it's more than that. Here are some strange things that he does. Tell me what this sounds like:
1. He often critizes me. Says little things lie "You are always late" or "you never do what you say you are going to do".
2. At first I thought my weight was the issue. But now that I think about it, he makes comments about my hair or my clothes. He seems very much into appearances.
3. One of the strangest things I have ever seen is how he is so attention seeking. He will take my pet bird to the edge of the driveway and wait for passersby to stop and ask him about the bird. If we take the bird to the park or pet store, he's all about being the one to hold her and act like he's the owner. Wierd, huh? He's like this about other things too. He will lie about events when he's telling a story so that it's all about him.
4. Sometimes he will blow up for not much reason. Mostly, he avoids uncomfortable discussions by telling me that I'm insecure when I complain about something. If I don't like the way the weather looks, somehow I'm insecure. If I ask him why he made a nasty remark, he will answer by telling me that I'm only complaining because I'm insecure. I got so mad about that the other day that I told him I never want to hear that word again.
5. He will betray my confidence by telling my grown kids or friends things that he knows will get them upset with me.
6. He tells me he doesn't want to hear about my work problems - he has enough stress of his own.
7.

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Thank you for the wonderful advice. I think my losing weight is a first "step" towards wanting to feel better. I really believe that the human body has a built in mechanism that will send off warning flares when something isn't right in your life. Kind of a survival tactic. I think my depression has been one of those flares.
I guess it is really hard to see when the person who claims to love you more than anything is hurting you. In my book, we don't hurt the people we love. AND we accept responsibility for any pain we accidentally cause someone.
He (in my opinion) is blind to what he's doing to me. I really think he believes that I don't have any idea what's going on. And until I'm stronger, I don't want him to think otherwise. I need to build up my strength so that I can be prepared if the outsome is that we break up. I know I'm terrible, but I love him so much, I think I'd be worse off if we broke up. But if I can build up my self esteem, then I think I'll have a shot at not wanting to go back.
I really want a normal boyfriend. I want a normal, healthy life. I want "me" back. This person I am now is sad, pathetic, and depressed. I just want to have sex with a man who wants me back and doesn't make me feel like he's doing me a favor. I want to be able to get on my computer and NOT check to see if my BF is checking out porn sites. I want to look in the mirror and LIKE what I see. (THAT will be a tough one!)
I'm 40 years old and just want to have healthy relationships!! Is that too much to ask??? Why do I keep picking losers?????
That's what It was for me, I lost all the weight I had gained when I was so depressed. I became stronger after I lost the weight. Our emotions are our lifesaver's. your depression is a way telling you that something, isn't right, like you said.
You will find a man who will sweep you off of your feet, when the time is right.
I used to think that if I left him, I would not be able to make it without him, that I would inevitably go crawling back to him, because I was very emotionally dependant on him. It's only been a few weeks I have been alone and already the black cloud is lifting. I NEVER WANT HIM BACK. I guarantee you that your life will be easier without him, you won't want him back once you leave. Just don't let him know that you are onto his abusive ways, at least not until you've left.
Right now just get all the help you need and in time you will leave this man. You will know when the time is right to do so. Your heart will tell you.
You're going to find someone who will love you for you, the real you. Romantic and passionate love, something you've been missing since you've been with your abuser.
And I guarantee that you will get yourself back. It will take some hard work and dedication, but you will once again rediscover the real you!
I'm still not at that point, but i'm happier without him, and I know one of these days I will see myself again. Never give up hope.
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