Somehow he has turned it around so that the police would not listen to me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Somehow he has turned it around so that the police would not listen to me....
40
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 1:58am

Advice needed please,

Pages

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
I think I read enough to say you need to contact a DV agency asap and get started with a counselor or a DV advocate. If you can, please read up on book 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft. Basically what you say here - if he quits this or that, he wont be abusive. The book clearly states..he is abusive not because of the drugs but because he chooses to be.
To put it bluntly, you need to cut all connection with him. You have no kids, not married to him. Just get the h*** out of his life. Make a new life for yourself. http://www.leavingabuse.com/links.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
I would text an anonymous tip to crimestoppers to report his marijuana use and also where he gets the stuff from.

I would then move on and be done with Mike, the relationship is irrepairable. Too much has happened, just walk away and find someone better, someone who is not a pot head and abuser.
sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

So if I report this to crime stopper's, what would they do?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

At this point, reporting to crimestoppers and police may not get you what you need immediately. Ask yourself why you stayed on with this person. you are not married nor have kids. Yes, getting the police to know about him is all well and good. But you need to get him out of your life. You need to go counseling, seek support from a DV agency, if nothing, just reach out to every resource in

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

And about turning him away and ignoring him.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Blue, he's an abuser. He's NOT going to get any better. And multiple personality disorder, or what is now known as disassociative (spelling?) disorder is an EXTREMELY rare diagnosis. You can believe anything under the sun, but take it from the members of this board who have ALL been in abusive relationships in the past or are planning on leaving one soon - you are so much better off without him and his garbage. If you're worried about your pets, contact one of the local no-kill animal shelters and see if they know of someone who might be willing to foster your pets for you while you get out, get safe and get back on your feet where you can have your pets again. Your local domestic abuse agency can help you in so many ways. Please make that phone call and find out what they have to offer. One of the most important things you can do is EDUCATE yourself about what DV is and isn't, what it's all about, and why couples counseling can actually put you at risk of greater abuse. Also, learn what the red flags and warning behaviors are so that you can avoid getting involved with someone with abusive tendencies. Hon, he does sense when you are about to disengage. You become distant so he pulls out all the stops to re-engage with you. It's all part of the dance that is abuse and manipulation. Please, get as far away from him as you can and then maintain STRICT NO CONTACT. Trust us, Blue, your life will be sooo much easier and better. The local dv agency might even be able to help you get back home to your family and support systems that you left behind when you moved off with him. That is so, so important in moving on from an abusive relationship. Keep us posted. My best to you.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

And the other issue about never contacting him, well, I think I will always believe that we are meant to be, but not like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

Many humane societies now have a "foster" program where they will place your pet into a foster care home to be taken care of but not adopted while you escape an abusive situation. Once you are safe and on your feet again you can get your pet back...if keeping your cats with you finding a safe place to be is hard, then consider looking into one of those programs for your babies...

My vote is for you to pack up all of your things and your babies and move to a different town...somewhere different from him and any of his family. You can transfer any credits you earned to a new college and continue your education at a different college. Also consider if that is truly the major you want to focus on, is that truly what YOU want to do for a career or if you just focused on that because it was "his dreams"...

Also do a no contact practice, block his number if you can and block his e-mail address and such...THEN change your contact information and don't give it to anyone you cannot trust to not pass it on to him...when you do share it with people be sure you emphasize that he may NOT have this information and if he gets it somehow you will have to change your information again and will not be sharing it with those who passed it on to him...also anyone who tries to relay messages from him will need to be cut off as well.

Basically the farther you can get away from him the better it is for you...I highly suspect dad is under the impression that his son is all messed up because of you and was warning you to keep his nose clean...well NONE of his choices are your fault, regardless what stories he congers up...dad needs to get a clue his son is not the perfect victim he wants to believe he is...the same with the cops, he sold them some bill of goods to make himself look like the victim so they would not be there for you when you needed them.

Just like at the tables in Vegas, you need to cut your losses and walk away before you loose too much. I know so much easier for me to type than for you to do, but try to find a way anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

How did he sence that I was about to disengage if I hadn't spoke with him and seen him in over a month?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000

Because you were not in contact with him...he NEEDS you to be so co dependent on him that you cannot fathom a life without him, and in fact believe you would die without him. That way he would be able to do whatever he wanted and you would not squawk, call for help, or leave...first they get you away from your support system...family friends (he moved you to a different town)...then they get outsiders to believe they are wonderful people so when you do call for help they believe you are crazy or the bad person in the relationship (ie the cops) then they try to convince you they will kill themselves if you don't come back to play on your emotions (sound familiar)...the next steps are violence that usually result in death...not going on a walk with him was probably one of the wisest things you ever did...he wanted to get you away from your room mates, your witnesses, your help and was probably planning on something not very pleasant to you...go to the library and get the book "why does he do that" or buy a copy at the store...read it and it will enlighten a lot of what is going on that you have a hard time seeing simply because you are in the midst of the mess and cannot see on your own...it will also give you tools and strength to survive getting away from him...but YOU must choose to cut him off first and that would be 100% cut off...no phone calls, no e-mails no texting no letters no third party messages. If he shows up at the door, no law says you have to open the door to him...if he starts making a nuisance of himself call the cops and tell them he is threatening you and to please come and remove him...let them know you did not invite him and he will not leave...let him continue making the noises...maybe one of your neighbors will call the cops on him too...do not under any circumstances open the door to him EVER again...if one of your room mates answers the door have them inform him you are not available at this time and to please leave...if he forces himself in, lock yourself somewhere with a phone and call the cops....

You DO NOT have to put up with this, regardless what the one cop told you...he was probably a dirty cop and was bought off anyway....

I doubt he is your "intended" because the one you are intended to be with will NEVER hurt you on purpose and if there is hurt there will be true remorse and effort to never do that again....your intended will be interested in what you are interested in without forcing you to be interested in what they are interested in. Your "intended" will treat you like a queen.

Pages