Someone please analyze this for me!
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 12:33pm |
Hi all. Haven't posted much in awhile. Things have been relatively quiet and I've been taking my baby steps on making myself stronger. That being said, can someone please analyze this behavior???
H, who is very sly in his manipulations and control, has been doing this almost since we moved in together 9 years ago: I try to eat relatively healthy but I do have a sweet tooth and can "fall off the wagon" easily, so to speak. I'm easily persuaded to eat whatever treats he brings home. And, I think in alot of cases, it's the H who buys the most junk food at the grocery store and mine is no exception. He'd buy all of the treats he knows I love "I was just thinking of you and thought you'd enjoy it. You never buy this for yourself - blah, blah, blah." At first I thought, ok, he's really sweet and thoughtful. But then, as I started paying more attention to his overall manipulative/controlling behavior, I started noticing that the more I comment on wanting to be good, trying to eat more fruit, wanting to lose about 10 lbs, etc. he'll just come home with more crap! Yesterday was the kicker. He calls from the store asking what we need. I tell him a few things. He asks if I need a treat, I say absolutely not, I'm trying to be better. (I almost always say no, he almost always gets something for me anyway.) He comes home with, no lie, all of these items: Dove mint ice cream (which I love), chips ahoy cookies, hostess cupcakes, a can of pringles and a bag of fritos. WTH???? I had said to him, if you need to buy yourself something, just hide it from me, ok? No, it's all out there in the open. I swear, I'm not eating any of it....
Does he not want me to lose any weight? I'm not overweight but I'm not happy with where I'm at. It seems any time I tell him this he does his best to say, you look great the way you are and then brings home all sorts of crap that I have a very hard time resisting.
I read this and it sounds stupid but I know this means much more than just buying junk food. The killer is everyone thinks he's so sweet and thoughtful, just the best and - well, I guess he had me fooled for a long time too. But there is always a price for his supposed "niceness".
Can anyone else relate to this?? I think it's just crazy.
Lisa

Oh I hear ya. If he really cared, he'd *support* your efforts, not sabotage them. End of story.
Still, tho, in the end YOU are choosing whether you give-in or not, and you can't reeeeeally blame that part on him. Besides, think how delightful it will be to see him simmer cuz you had the fortitude to do the right thing and ignore his attempts to undermine you!
Ha, if he's anything like mine, he'll give you grief for "not appreciating his generous gesture" -- If you feel compelled to engage him on this, then tell him flat-out: "I can't 'appreciate' sabotage. I have been clear in asking this of you. What I *could* appreciate would be your support."
After that, it's on you to either thank him if he follows-thru, so as to provide a sort of positive reinforcement that may encourage him to contuinue in such actions (tho no promises, abusers are notoriously immune to change), or to pull up your own bootstraps and make the right choices for yourself.
best of luck!
You are so right, if he really did care about what I wanted, he'd be supportive. I mean, is he really *knowingly* doing this? I just don't get it at all.
And you are also right, truly I'm in control of what I eat - I just wish all that junk wasn't being paraded around in front of me! I'm not going to eat it this time (well, maybe just the mint ice cream - LOL) because honestly, this was so blatant! But H is like yours, he'll probably give me that whole guilt trip because I'm not eating everything.
Thanks for your response suggestion! I'm going to use it.
Lisa
This is something we see a lot when the abuser's victim wants to go on a diet. The abuser doesn't want his victim to have the added self-esteem and attractiveness that goes with maintaining a healthy weight, so he tries to sabotage the diet by bringing home junk food and things like that. Leon-the-Loony did a variant of this- he would badger me about my weight, but he would go absolutely ballistic if I didn't eat exactly as much as he did at meals, and he was a big guy, so that meant a LOT. It can be funny-abusers will complain about our weight, but they want to keep us fat.
How's that for an analysis? :D
My H does the same thing...the harder I try to eat right and look better,the more junk-food he brings in to wave in my face.They don't WANT us to look better or FEEL better about ourselves.It boosts our self-esteem,and as we know..they aren't having any of that! They know if we can pull ourselves out of the fog they've put us in,we'd dumb they're sorry behinds! I also think that my H sometimes does it out of guilt. After he's been a total jerk,or he's told an enormous lie...
Hugs to you, mom.
You pretty much analyzed it yourself. But, just so you can hear someone else say it....He is manipulating....either you or future situations. Such as, "I can't believe what she says he does, he's always so sweet and attentive to her." It is always about control. Nothing else. So, you have to ask yourself, "what is he getting our of this?" On the on hand, if you gain a lot of weight, he believes nobody else will want you. On the other hand, if you do not gain the weight, he still looks attentive and sweet and therefor hard for anyone else to distrust.
Just let it go at the, please nothing for me thing. If he goes ahead and buys it anyway, donate it to the local food pantry. They can always use the food and it takes temptation out of your way.
Good Luck!