Something I'm wondering about

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Something I'm wondering about
5
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:48am
I'm just trying to work something out in my head. I came out of a very abusive marriage. He would hit me, cheated on me, and would refuse to have sex with me. (Other people tell me I'm attractive.) What I'm wondering is, I think it may have been how I reacted to him. He was never abusive to the kids, and he is in a relationship now that seems to be going well. Alot of the fighting between us was the fact that he overspends tremendously and I tried to control him and his spending. He resented that, because I got in the way of what he wanted to do. I'm thinking maybe if I could have been more passive, been a better housekeeper, it would have been ok for us. He tells me I'm the only one he's ever loved, but he also tells me I'm the only one that could make "his blood boil." I'm just trying to understand all of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:24pm
With my H, the more passive I am, the more he asks me to do. If I do the extra things, more is asked. More and more until I can't take it anymore and react.

Remember that this new relationship of his may be working because she's surpressing herself, but at what cost to her? Would keeping a relationship with this man be worth that cost to you? In a normal happy marriage, there may be arguements when 2 people disagree, but there is not abuse and cheating. The bottom line is that the end of the relationship is his fault not yours. He crossed a line that should never be crossed (it sounds like he crossed it repeatedly). So what if you "make his blood boil"? That is no excuse for the things he did to you. Also, things in his new relationship may not be as good as they seem. Did you ever put effort into keeping up appearances? I have.

Also, I've noticed with my H, when I stand up for myself after being passive, it causes a bigger reaction then when I am generally more assertive and stand up for myself, and I get more depressed when I keep it all in. I can't keep up the passive roll very long, and I'm sure you couldn't either. There's nothing wrong with that. Being passive shouldn't be required.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up mentally. You're doing his work for him. Keep reminding yourself of all the things you love about yourself. Your strength and courage has gotten you to a place where you can find a new happier life. Be proud of your strength and of who you are.

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:29pm
Abusers are very selfish, if you spend your life focused on them and their needs, and doing everything they say, you will still get abused, but probably you can carry on some kind of life that way. Give it some time with the new woman, things are not as good as they seem to outsiders, and soon they will be having the same problems. My ex told me the same thing that it was my fault, the bottom line for me was if you can stop being an abuser in a new relationship that's great, although I don't believe that. It just doesn't matter anymore. I know it wasn't my fault and even in that tiny tiny event that it was, well I don't deserve that anyways, and maybe I'll have better luck in the future. But I still think he had the problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:55pm
thank you for your positive message and encouraging words. It helps me get through some of this. Jody
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:34pm

Hey Jody, and welcome -


You know the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing"?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:18pm
I would not trust him. My soon-to-be-ex never abused my son either, but he abused me emotionally and physically for nearly twelve years before I decided to leave for good. We separated four times and each time I took him back. I can count the number of times he hit or shoved me over 12 years, but I can't count the number of times he humiliated me with his actions, his words, and his accusations. I tried to make the relationship work, but not by being passive. I tried to get him to go to counseling, going on my own when he wouldn't, talking to him until I was blue in the face, and nothing worked. He would not change. He is who he is and whoever he ends up will deal with the same abuse that I did once the honeymoon period is over (ours was over within the first three months of marriage when I was going through grief over the murder of my nephew, and he got tired of being sympathetic about my not wanting to have sex for a few weeks while I tried to deal with the nightmares I had every night....that was the first time he struck me -- he strangled me and called me names - and accused me of cheating on him -- showed that he had was only concerned with his needs and not mine.

Your needs are important. Don't ever forget that. If there are things you think you should work on before another relationship (I know I have some things to work on), then, do so, but for you, not him.