Something I'm wondering about
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Something I'm wondering about
| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:48am |
I'm just trying to work something out in my head. I came out of a very abusive marriage. He would hit me, cheated on me, and would refuse to have sex with me. (Other people tell me I'm attractive.) What I'm wondering is, I think it may have been how I reacted to him. He was never abusive to the kids, and he is in a relationship now that seems to be going well. Alot of the fighting between us was the fact that he overspends tremendously and I tried to control him and his spending. He resented that, because I got in the way of what he wanted to do. I'm thinking maybe if I could have been more passive, been a better housekeeper, it would have been ok for us. He tells me I'm the only one he's ever loved, but he also tells me I'm the only one that could make "his blood boil." I'm just trying to understand all of this.

Remember that this new relationship of his may be working because she's surpressing herself, but at what cost to her? Would keeping a relationship with this man be worth that cost to you? In a normal happy marriage, there may be arguements when 2 people disagree, but there is not abuse and cheating. The bottom line is that the end of the relationship is his fault not yours. He crossed a line that should never be crossed (it sounds like he crossed it repeatedly). So what if you "make his blood boil"? That is no excuse for the things he did to you. Also, things in his new relationship may not be as good as they seem. Did you ever put effort into keeping up appearances? I have.
Also, I've noticed with my H, when I stand up for myself after being passive, it causes a bigger reaction then when I am generally more assertive and stand up for myself, and I get more depressed when I keep it all in. I can't keep up the passive roll very long, and I'm sure you couldn't either. There's nothing wrong with that. Being passive shouldn't be required.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up mentally. You're doing his work for him. Keep reminding yourself of all the things you love about yourself. Your strength and courage has gotten you to a place where you can find a new happier life. Be proud of your strength and of who you are.
Becky
Hey Jody, and welcome -
You know the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing"?
CL-Blueliner4
Your needs are important. Don't ever forget that. If there are things you think you should work on before another relationship (I know I have some things to work on), then, do so, but for you, not him.