Something just snapped today

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Something just snapped today
5
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:08pm

Hi everyone
Two crazy conversations today have (yet again!) made me decide enough is enough.
I'll spare you the details - the same old one-way yelling match which is later blamed on ME and I end up apologizing for his behaviour. And then another incident of very childish behaviour in the evening.

So, I have a question. I know that I want out, but I am not sure how courts decide custody in cases where it is difficult to prove abuse (it is only verbal/ emotional, not physical)

Do they typically award joint custody? Would appreciate hearing from anyone with experience in this area.
The main reason I want to get out is that every time I look at my Husband acting crazy I realize how terrible it will be for my son to grow up seeing him as a role model.
Any advice? I am not in a huge hurry, I am willing to take whatever time it takes to plan things out properly before I leave.




Edited 2/8/2009 3:23 am ET by concerned_person
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:58pm
Hi...you would need to build a solid case for yourself in order to prevent joint custody. A place to start to look for things that you could use would be on http://www.lundybancroft.com under articles, Batterer as Parent and other related articles. They are relevant whether there is violence or not. And also do research on child custody laws where you are before you see an attorney, which will help you find the right one. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 7:51pm
Concerned, it's great that you have the luxury of time to plan.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:39am
I second the advice to get a lawyer. You might also check out www.womenslaw.org so that you know what to look for in a lawyer and what to ask. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:53pm

Being a mother who was also in court over custody outside of the US, I have a bit of experience on this. It is true that each country has its own laws, but in the country I live in as a foreign US citizen, I was told by both US courts and by the local courts that the custody had to be established in the country of residence of the child. This is regardless of the citizenship of the child. The US courts are pretty sure to tell you the same thing. If the child is living outside of the US for over a period of time (maybe a year?) then you must use the courts at the current country of residence of the child. In some countries it becomes even more complicated should you wish to take the child out of that country while the custody is being established. It is possible but there are certain rules I am sure. Even if you gain full custody, there may still be some rules you should make sure you are informed of. The other parent is usually allowed visitations and you will have to consider how that will occur, if you are the parent who removes the child from the country. Especially in a case like this, you must have a good lawyer who will consider both US and your current country's laws in this regard. There are ways, but you must be sure you dot your i's and cross your t's before all actions.

When abuse is involved and can be proved sufficiently to the courts, there may be ways to limit or supervise visitation depending on the coutry's laws in that regard. You will want to check thoroughly for your own peace of mind and understand what to expect in the courts.

Good luck and best wishes.




Edited 9/5/2006 11:58 pm ET by hglucky
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 12:16pm

Hi hglucky - thanks a lot for those insights! helps to hear from someone in the same situation
So it looks like I'll be stuck here for the long term?!
Quick update on the situation - Last week after he behaved crazy and I snapped, I stopped talking to him (except for basic stuff like - "when are you waking up" or "when can I use the bathroom")
It has been the same way for the entire week, and I have avoided any conversations.
The good thing (so far) is to see how unsettled he is. Like he is worried about what is going to happen next.

Nice to see HIM on the defensive, for once.
e.g. this morning I was irritated because he accidentally locked me out of the room while taking a bath, and I was 15 minutes late for work. So he apologised 3 or 4 times, like he was scared

Not that I believe him or feel sorry for him, but it is good to see him unsure of himself for a change!
Anyway one thing 'tiredandunhappy' mentioned in one of her posts really struck a chord with me - i.e. how these men have mothers who spoil them rotten (that is partly how they became that way!)

My MIL just acts scared of her son, and nods her head to everything he says, and doesn't express her counter opinion on anything he says, and (most annoying) liberally praises him for how smart he is! Doesn't she just see that his ego is already huge and she doesn't need to bloat it further?

So bottom line is, he expects me to behave the same way! What a screwed up view of the world!




Edited 2/8/2009 3:17 am ET by concerned_person