Something other than leaving?
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Something other than leaving?
| Mon, 05-31-2004 - 5:28pm |
I live in a rural area and have a job that is both high profile and nearly all-consuming. I'm in my early fifties, and have been married for twenty-five years; I've got three kids--two grown and out of college, one headed to boarding school in the fall. The expectations of all people in my community is that I've got it totally together--the welfare of the institution I head depends upon this perception. It would be foolish to think otherwise.
Some long time ago now, my husband began to control the relationship by refusing any sexual intimacy. We tried marriage counseling without success. I have tried individual counseling over the years, but the bottom line was always that I should leave him, which I seem to feel emotionally incapable of doing. What brings me here is a party we gave this weekend. We rarely entertain anymore because it always leads to problems. He used to drink regularly, but did give that up some ten years ago (about the time he started refusing sexual intimacy). He does drink when we entertain, so I've avoided the problem by not having parties often. Of course that just increases my loneliness.
My middle son just graduated from college. He and I have been the closest of the offspring in many ways. He has just taken an apt. with friends in NYC and is working on getting a job--he has several great prospects and a temporary situation that's terrific. My husband and I are both very proud of him. He came home a week ago after graduation--just for the week, and one of his friends came for part of the time, too. I asked him if he'd like a party, and he said he would.
So we invited friends with families. The day of the party I had a hair appointment (scheduled long before). Immediately my husband began berating me about it--he always does for one reason or another. I told him to stop, I would not hear anything more about it. Meanwhile, we all got organized. I told him we were having 30 people, so please to be sure to get enough meat at the butcher's for 30. He did some of the shopping, I did the rest and got other items that had to be tracked down. When I returned in the later afternoon, he was, as he most often is, sarcastic. When he begins to speak to me with contempt, it always continues and builds. Of course, he had me over a barrel, as 30 people were due to arrive, including my Board chair.
I worked hard in the kitchen, and the salads, desserts and so forth all came together. When I got out onto the porch with the last items, I found that the meat was gone--he had not gotten meat for 30, clearly. Plus, again, much secretive contempt ("You were eating crackers in the kitchen while I did all the work!" which was patently and laughably untrue) and so on. Yesterday, my son left for his new home with his friend, and he said he had a great time. Meanwhile, back here at the ranch it's just escalated and been worse and worse. Today has been a day from hell.
I'm sure everybody thinks they're trapped, but I know I am. I would lose everything if I left or forced him to, and I'm too much of a coward to do that. Plus, I don't delude myself that there's anybody out there for me anymore given my age, etc., and I don't want to be all alone even tho' that's how I feel much of the time. And what's happened today happens only once or so a year, altho' it's awful nonetheless. I told myself I'd do something about it if it happened again (altho' I've said that for 25 years), but I don't have the heart or courage.
and there's one aspect that's worse. He is beginning to lose some of his ability to keep it all together. He's 9 years older than I, and he doesn't remember things as easily or well sometimes, and he's much more sarcastic in the world at large (which he wasn't at all previously). The point is, things are in some ways much worse, and yet I also know he must be frightened about how he is changing. Well, any thoughts would be a help, as I'm caught up, feeling like an emotional hostage.
Some long time ago now, my husband began to control the relationship by refusing any sexual intimacy. We tried marriage counseling without success. I have tried individual counseling over the years, but the bottom line was always that I should leave him, which I seem to feel emotionally incapable of doing. What brings me here is a party we gave this weekend. We rarely entertain anymore because it always leads to problems. He used to drink regularly, but did give that up some ten years ago (about the time he started refusing sexual intimacy). He does drink when we entertain, so I've avoided the problem by not having parties often. Of course that just increases my loneliness.
My middle son just graduated from college. He and I have been the closest of the offspring in many ways. He has just taken an apt. with friends in NYC and is working on getting a job--he has several great prospects and a temporary situation that's terrific. My husband and I are both very proud of him. He came home a week ago after graduation--just for the week, and one of his friends came for part of the time, too. I asked him if he'd like a party, and he said he would.
So we invited friends with families. The day of the party I had a hair appointment (scheduled long before). Immediately my husband began berating me about it--he always does for one reason or another. I told him to stop, I would not hear anything more about it. Meanwhile, we all got organized. I told him we were having 30 people, so please to be sure to get enough meat at the butcher's for 30. He did some of the shopping, I did the rest and got other items that had to be tracked down. When I returned in the later afternoon, he was, as he most often is, sarcastic. When he begins to speak to me with contempt, it always continues and builds. Of course, he had me over a barrel, as 30 people were due to arrive, including my Board chair.
I worked hard in the kitchen, and the salads, desserts and so forth all came together. When I got out onto the porch with the last items, I found that the meat was gone--he had not gotten meat for 30, clearly. Plus, again, much secretive contempt ("You were eating crackers in the kitchen while I did all the work!" which was patently and laughably untrue) and so on. Yesterday, my son left for his new home with his friend, and he said he had a great time. Meanwhile, back here at the ranch it's just escalated and been worse and worse. Today has been a day from hell.
I'm sure everybody thinks they're trapped, but I know I am. I would lose everything if I left or forced him to, and I'm too much of a coward to do that. Plus, I don't delude myself that there's anybody out there for me anymore given my age, etc., and I don't want to be all alone even tho' that's how I feel much of the time. And what's happened today happens only once or so a year, altho' it's awful nonetheless. I told myself I'd do something about it if it happened again (altho' I've said that for 25 years), but I don't have the heart or courage.
and there's one aspect that's worse. He is beginning to lose some of his ability to keep it all together. He's 9 years older than I, and he doesn't remember things as easily or well sometimes, and he's much more sarcastic in the world at large (which he wasn't at all previously). The point is, things are in some ways much worse, and yet I also know he must be frightened about how he is changing. Well, any thoughts would be a help, as I'm caught up, feeling like an emotional hostage.

Welcome to the board, adrift2004.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
I don't believe that I will be staying in this marriage, but I don't know when it will end. When I think ahead 5 years, do I want to be living like this? No. Do I know "how" to leave? No. But I'm the type who gets depressed when I feel stuck, so I don't think about it. Whatever is going to happen, will happen when the time is right.
As I read your post, it sounds as if there is no sex - or sex with no intimacy. I have often wondered why I feel as if my dh ('darlin husband') is using my body for his own enjoyment. He spends little to no time in pleasing me. He is frequently grabbing my boobs (hope it's ok I say that!) as well as "other" areas. He does this any place. I always worry about kids seeing or people, he says - they can't see. I think it is inappropriate. I have told him. I always tell him to stop. He has continued to do this.
I too, felt emotionally incapable of leaving him or getting him out. I still do. Thinking about it depressed me to the point of needing medicine. I have attempted to turn my focus from how miserable things are with him, to trying to do things, no matter how little, that make me happy. At the same time, I have taken a second job to try to set aside money for when "the time is right". I am getting things in order, finances, my mind, planning for the time that I leave. If it is next week, ok, if it is in a year from now, ok. My dh does not and has not ever physically hurt me or threatened me. My "fear" of separating from him all come down to me feeling responsible for him and his happiness. I pursued him, although he is the one who talked marriage. I feel like I worked to gain his love, trust and compassion and once I got it, I no longer wanted it and I don't want to ruin what little self esteem he has by proving, once again, to him that all people are rotten. (that may not make sense, but he really feels all people are untrustworthy and liars and out to get you etc.)
I've ramble on long enough, continue to "vent" here. You will get support and compassion from a fantastic group of people. I've been here for a couple years and they continue to validate my feelings that I question. They have slowly and patiently worked on helping me to see that he has brainwashed and conditioned me to live first for him. Get books on emotional abuse, verbal abuse. I'll go through my "library" and give you some names. I keep my books at work as he would be terribly hurt to realize that I believe him to be emotionally and psychologically abusive. A couple that I can remember are as bama1 stated, Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?", Also, Emotional Abuse, and Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, Also, No Visible Wounds, Identifying Non Physical Abuse of Women by their Men. Go to Amazon.com, enter the title of any one of these books, then scroll to the list of other customers also bought these books, you will find the names of many good books.
Of course, the choice is yours, if you stay or leave. If you choose to stay, continue to post here. Validation of what you are feeling is so very important. Learn about yourself. 50 is NOT to old to find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved and treated. Work on your self-confidence in that area. We each need to be ok with being alone first before we can truly be loved in return by someone else. So work on yourself. Whether you stay or go - work on yourself. You may find that as you make postive changes with yourself, that he changes and becomes a better person. Only time will answer that question. But know this also, HE can only change for himself, if he wants to. He, like you, can only change if the choice is his and he wants to do it for himself. Unfortunately, when it comes to abusive people, they don't often realize they are abusive so change isn't necessary according to them - so they won't change. But you can change the way you handle things. You can detach and disengage from the situations. You can do things that will make you a stronger person. And then the day may come when you realize that leaving him won't have as much of an impact as you have believed.
Read and learn. Post here. Read all the messages, so often, buried in someone elses post is something that hits home for me - it will for you also.
Take care of YOU!! The rest will fall into place.
ples
I think I can identify with what you are going through. I was married for 27 years and now have been out for 6 months. You H seems alot like my STBX. We used to have tons of parties, go on vacations with friends...all the good things in life. The only problem was I was the one expending all of the energy to make sure the world was perfect for dear old Wendell. Of course, if one thing went wrong...look out. Slowly, it was much easier, not vacationing with others, having parties, etc. When I would have parties for my "work" friends, he pretty much did nothing but play the wonderful host until he got too drunk. Then the next day, pick apart every person that attended. Didn't matter that he embarrassed me in front of everyone. Just like you, the list could go on.
At the 25 year point, my line of thinking was very similar to yours. I've ridden out the commitment thus far and have my life where I want it. I can take whatever he dishes out because I'm really too old to start over...who would want me anyway? Besides, alot of his control energy was emerged into the great wrestling assoc.(which he is president of), where my son was excelling. Since I figured I was staying anyway, I started to do more things for myself. That's when things started to take a real ugly turn. I started putting energy in a small store I opened up and things were starting to gel. The phone was ringing for more things than just Wendell. I started having a life. Something he could not handle at all....
We tried the great marriage counseling..ouch. Then I got my own counselor, the difference here was when my counselor said you need to divorce him and divorce him now. All I asked him was if he could recommend an attorney.
I too am at a risk of losing many things here and already have lost alot. I'll tell you one thing though, my true personal growth these past six months I wouldn't trade for a million dollars. The feeling of being trapped is in your mind. You need to decide what is important to you. Like Cheryl said, start reading all of the material they provide here on the homepage. Also, start shopping for a counselor that has training in abuse. That's what I did and it helped me immensely.
Your H may very well need to see a doctor on his memory loss, but he has no right to use you as his mental punching bag. All Wendell did was watch CNN and give them advice. He knew everything, he had an opinion about everything,he blamed his nastiness on his bad knees.....again,this list can go on.
Lastly, don't even think you are too old for someone to ever want you again. There are still plenty of fish in the sea if you so desire. I was worried about being alone and all that stuff. One big thing that came to me after I had been out a few months, that I realized that even if I was married to him and got sick, I would have still been alone, so that part is not even an issue any more. Want to know what happens when you are 50 and free? The world is yours for the taking. You're children are practically grown so you have more time to focus on yourself. The hardest part is retraining your mind from being the pleaser to demanding pleasure. You will lose many "acquantainces" when you split. There will be times when you feel totally alone and betrayed by people you thought were your friends. You will see even uglier sides of your H than you would have ever imagined. The road to freedom isn't easy, but definitely worth the trip. Last night, after attending a picnic for a few hours at my neighbors, I came home, put the radio on and danced to oldies for about a half hour. I hadn't danced in years. I couldn't believe I remembered how to dance...it was a great feeling. I didn't care if someone happened to look in and called the local mental unit. I figured if they came, maybe they would want to dance too! Maybe it's time for you to dance a little, eh?
Terry
One thing you need to try to get through to yourself is that you are not really thinking 'normally'. He has you conditioned and so under his 'control' now that you really don't think as the average person would. You think you can't do things on your own because you've always had to make sure his reactions and what he would think were a factor in all your decisions.
We used to visit and have visits quite often. However, it got to be too much of a chore. He would throw fits before we went somewhere so I'd have to beg him to go, or he'd cause a fight while I was trying to get things ready for people to come to our house. Then he got to where he'd criticize me all the time in front of people. Of course, he'd pass it off as a joke, but everyone knew that's not how he meant it. Our social life got to be a big zero. I really got to where I was ashamed to be seen out with him. Ashamed because people knew how he treated me and embarassed at what people thought of me living with someone who could treat me that way.
I'm 45. I knew I didn't want the rest of my life to be that way. I think when they are still as bad as your H, mine and Terry's at their ages, they only get meaner.
The withholding sexual intimacy is a form of control over you. My STBX would withhold any kind of emotion from me on a regular basis. However, when he was in a good mood he wouldn't leave me alone. He would grab me like Ples' H, totally embarrassing me in front of the kids. Sometimes I think he may be a pervert and he gets a kick out of somebody else seeing it. Anyway, it would go from no intimacy whatsoever to so much of it I felt smothered.
Just remember this. Your life is always going to be like this if you stay with him. If you leave, there will be some hard times ahead, but it will get better.
Hugs and good luck,
Jackie