Something to ponder........

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Something to ponder........
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:23am
Hugs with mugs of hot coffee, tea,,cool soda,,great goodies,,soft pillows!! Like them better than tables,,,:)

Something to ponder for all of us here,,

If you're under 40, you are the first generation of women who have these great new tech toys,, computers and cell phones. I see alot of women here that are in conflict with how their families, mothers and fathers, who tell us to stick it out,,it's how it's suppose to be,,etc. It's not been all that long, less than 20 years, only big the last 10 or so that we have had access to the world as we do today. Many families were long strings of abuse, as mine were. My father did his best to break the abuse he was exposed to, and he did well but it still came out now and then. But our grandmothers, our mothers, are still of the generations of women who had no access to anything outside of the grocery store. If you had a phone, it was a party line, so all knew what you were saying!LOL All religions pushed that families stay together no matter what. Many abusive households were never even acknowledged because there were no phones, no contact. It was a very male dominated world, still is in my view, and what the man said,,went. Mom didn't work outside the home, she stayed home with the kids, Dad made the money.

This has put alot of us in a weird place, torn between what our families have said, how to stay no matter what, and the new world where we can learn, we can share in boards like this. That we are the one's breaking new ground, learning that we can leave an abusive home and live happily with our children. We are the new Columbus' who are exploring new waters of life, redefining what is right and what is wrong. Law makers are finally recognizing abuse for what it is,,a dangerous, harmful way of life too long let run freely.

We each must take the time to learn, think and react to our own circumstances. There will be families not happy with what we're doing because we weren't brought up in their ways, ways they were many times forced to live. We do have a choice, we will make waves in the lives of others. But we don't have to swamp them with our wake, nor hinder ourselves by going too slow.

Learn, educate yourself. Know that your are worth the time and effort to change. Know that your children can be lifted out of abuse, and they can learn that abuse is not the way to go. It will not be easy, but it will be worthwhile! When a child is born, the child knows only to love. You can see it in their eyes, you can feel it in their touch.

It's only when a child is left exposed to abuse and hate do they change their outlook. They grow up what they were shown, as do we. We are the adult now, we must learn what is best for them. We must be strong enough to find our selfworth and dignity so that they too can find theirs.

Our families will see the difference once we are free to live again. It's always been interesting that the first thing most say once we are free is how much younger we look.

We can't live life trying to make our parents happy if it's hurting us. They may never understand because they know no different. No parent is perfect, not even us, so we have to learn to do better so that our children will raise their children hopefully in a safer world.

Hope this makes sense, and I pray that you all find happiness!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:31am
Pillow Fight!!! LOL Buff, this was such an insightful and wise post! Thank you for your wise words this Friday morning and thank you for being here with us, you are 2-Kewl!


Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:33am
Thank you Buff!! You make perfect sense! This is an excellent, thought-provoking inspiring post. Hugs!!
Avatar for alwaysagardenia
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:21pm
Buff this is so true! I never really thought of it this way til I read your post. My Grandma was supposedly abused by my Grandpa & she is the only one that is telling me my marriage is *normal*. Of course she would since she knows *nothing* different is out there.

So true about this generation growing up with the new technology. I grew up with a computer in my house since I was 8 (my Dad works in computers) & I was one of the 1st kids out of my friends that had a PC (more like 3) in the house when I was in elementry & junior high. It's weird to think of that now. But with the net comes *SO* much info. on DV & whatever else. Thanx so much for this post. It's *VERY* true!!! XOXO--Ruby

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:31pm
Buff, I have to completely agree with you. It's taken my mom a long time to deal with a lot of stuff that went on in her marriage (pretty much from jump) and I don't think that she's over it because she still carries a hefty amount of unresolved anger towards my dad, some of it's deserved, but that's best left for another time. (Not that my dad is a stellar human being - he's a tightwad of the highest order, and pretty much runs on his own schedule, regardless of what others (I) might like. I just let him do whatever because this is something he's always done - supreme selfishness. I know he's not changing and I really don't get all that irritated with him anymore. I know what he's doing. And I'm glad he lives half way across the country.)

I bring this point up because of my GRANDPARENT'S marriages - and I'm talking both sides. I had a hell-scary grandfather, a verbally abusive chain-smoking drunk that on occasion did get physical - with my mom, because she would step in between her parents when they would fight in order to protect her mother. It's only now as I near my 29th birthday that I recognize the significance of something my mother said in 1990 when her father passed - "Well, she's free now." That was her only response. We went to the funeral (needless to say I was freaked out at the fact there was a dead person less than 20 feet away from me, but back to my point.) The guy scared the daylights out of me, yet had never (to my immediate) knowledge done anything to warrant that reaction out of me. But something about him scared the hell out of me. I guess that was my child's reaction to him. Wish I'd remembered it. Living in that atmosphere, where she was put down, told she was not attractive, etc., she had no way and no empowerment to speak up for herself, which led her marrying my dad (even AFTER she was warned by a couple people not to).

On to my other grandparents. My grandmother is a very domineering person. She is also very cranky. Before my parents got married, she had the balls to ask my other grandmother just what my mom thought she was getting out of marrying my dad, because it had to be that she was after whatever potential income he could bring in (my mom's parent's weren't that well off, his were definitely better off, but by no means rich.). She also made horrible comments to my mom about how my dad couldn't seem to find any "decent" clothes because he was spending so much money on her. Uh-huh. But the thing that really sticks in my head is that when my dad's parents would get into especially nasty fights, my grandfather would take off, sometimes for a couple days. My uncle to this day (my grandmother is an unfortunate victim of Alzheimers, but was coherent enough to attend my wedding to the Nerfherder. She has no knowledge of any of this, mercifully.) cannot say no to my grandmother. He's always with her, like a little boy who won't give up his security blanket. (OMG...the Nerfherder does the same thing! Yikes!). But no one sees this as being "controlled".

So, I guess it's really no wonder I've ended up here, there's no good role models in my family. I can only hope I can eventually be one. I do know that everyone in my family, over and under the age of 40, that is aware of my situation said without hesitation that I have done the right thing by getting out. In fact, my uncle offered to foot part of the lawyer's fees for me.

Man, I am tired. I am totally rambling. Recap - Buff, I agree! Abuse was such a taboo subject in previous generations that it's just now that women (and men) are standing up and saying, Hey, cut it out. I deserve better! Maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high in this country. People realizing that they don't have to be treated like a lower life form, so they bail out. Anyone else agree on that?