sometimes it's hard to see . . .
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|Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:47am|
I guess I'm just sad today and needing human contact and knowing that I won't get any from him. The only contact I'll get is the kiss (peck) I get right before he goes to bed, and the only reason I get that is because we made it a *rule* years ago when I began to realize that we could literally go weeks without physical contact. And so for the last two weeks, my only physical contact with another adult has been that nightly peck.
I can't remember the last time someone gave me a hug - other than my girls. I mean someone who saw that I was sad and just hugged me. I'm always the strong one, the one other people turn to when they need a hug. And so here I sit, feeling really sorry for myself, crying over my keyboard, and knowing that there isn't a live human who I can turn to for a hug.
We've lived here now 10 months, and I still don't have one friend here. I have my employees - I'm the boss - but even that's only been a couple of weeks. I know that's why this is bothering me so much. I don't have a friend to go out to lunch with or go have a drink with. I take my kids to school each day, come back here and get on the net for an hour or so, then go to work, come home in time for dinner, get the kids to bed, then H goes to bed and I'm alone again for a couple of hours before I go to bed. Weekends are spent doing housework or shopping (groceries or walmart, not the mall, unfortunately). The only time I even get to go out with H is if he wants sex - and then I get to sit at a table in a restaurant facing each other but still not having a conversation.
I know that I sound like I'm whining, and I guess I am. I can just feel myself getting depressed and I guess I'm trying to pull myself out of it before it's a full fledged depression. I have plenty of people I can talk to on the phone, but not one of them lives within driving time of me. And so here I sit, at the keyboard, avoiding the shower because I really don't want to go to work today but I have to, and I just don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm tired of just shopping or hanging out with my girls - not that I don't enjoy it. I just want to have an adult conversation over coffee or something. Is that too much to ask? Of course, in my house it is.
Sorry to go on and on and sound so depressed. Just needed to vent, I guess. Thanks for listening.