Specific Responses to Verbal Abuse?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
Specific Responses to Verbal Abuse?
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 5:41pm

It is so hard with so much abuse - to HAVE a response.

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 6:08pm
Hi sweet and welcome to the board. The things your abuser does are all classic behaviors and there really isn't a whole lot you can do response-wise. What jumped out at me from your post was "I HAVE to remain passive to stay in this marriage." Which raises my question: Do you WANT to stay in this marriage? Verbal/emotional abuse is still abuse, and it is every bit as harmful as physical abuse. Most abusers don't change, and abuse does escalate. You don't mention if you have kids together, so I'll mention this: Kids who grow up in abusive households are at far greater risk of becoming victims or abusers themselves because, for them, abuse is the "norm". So, if you have kids, please give some serious thought to whether or not you want to remain in an abusive relationship. Please contact your local domestic abuse agency for assistance with counseling and support group as you begin to educate yourself about the dynamics of domestic abuse. Without knowledge of abuse and its dynamics, it's very hard to make decisions about where you want to go from here. Knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have about domestic abuse, the more powerful you are to affect change in your own life. Keep posting and learning all you can. We are here for you. Please keep us updated. My best to you.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 7:21pm
I think you have to continue to 'call him out' and say firmly, "I will not talk to you if you continue to address me disrespectfully".."Please never ever use the word B**** again". As soon as you speak up, LEAVE the room. One thing I did was also to email him as he would get louder if I tried to speak to him.

Most likely he will not change, but see what happens. Again, tread softly..if you think he will escalate to physical. If nothing changes, please seek counseling for yourself. Most likely, nothing will. Read up on Verbal Abuse (patricia evans) and why does he do that (lundy bancroft)
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Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:47am

You didn't mention if you have children.........why do you HAVE to stay in this marriage?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 10:00am

Thanks to everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 11:40am


Yep; Most of the time he is loving? I used to say that about my verbally abusive ex.. If I had a dollar for everytime he was loving I would have a million now but if I had a dollar for everytime he was nuts I would have 2 million dollars. After awhile the loving didnt amount to anything. My counselor told me that being intimate with a control freak doesnt work. The fear was so strong that I couldnt love my ex anymore. The intimacy was gone and so was the love.

So for every minute your hubby is loving there is always that next minute he is not..So count the times he is okay and then count the times he isnt. to me it wasnt worth the bad times. There were way too many of those..

Anyway; Cant speak for your hubby but my ex was a master of disguise and a major manipulator. He also has some sociopathic qualities . One day nice when he had to be and the next day not so nice.

wish you the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:53pm
I think ALL women who have been in abusive relationships will say that the guy was loving at times. Or else why would they have stayed? There has to be good times to keep you planted. If it were bad all the time, then no one would stay.

What do you BELIEVE that you will accomplish by having comebacks or responses ready?

Do you think you will stop this? Do you think you will curb it?

I too though I could control the words coming at me. I tried all the tactics in these books about what to say/do when it starts. However, since it was the opposite of "keeping quiet and taking it" things just got worse. I had to finally convince myself that I couldn't control it. And if I could, at the very most I could only hope for damage control. What a real fine marriage that makes.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans

The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 12:10am

I fully understand why you want to respond to him but it is not something I can encourage by giving you responses because it can be very dangerous to play that game with an abuser. Abusers normally thrive on control and anytime that control is questioned the abuser can get dangerous. They will do what ever it takes to get control back and there is no telling what they will do. Even if at first if things do not get dangerous it can happen in time. I started responding back in the hopes of getting my abuser to flip. I needed proof to get a restraining order and to get myself to take that final step and walk away and it almost cost me my life!!

Please think long and hard about what could happen and if speaking up to him is worth what may happen. Up till that day that he almost killed me I didn' t think he would ever go that far and now I wish I had not pushed him to that point. Yes

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