Spinning out of control

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Spinning out of control
4
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:02pm

I need help. Advice & support. My husband wants a divorce, but does not want to be the one to file or begin the process. He's miserable, is not afraid to tell me that he hates me, wishes I were dead and that the kids would be better off without me. I have never been unfaithful, I dont have an alcohol or drug problem, and I've never hurt our children. He's simply acting out of anger becuase he feels controlled or trapped. (we have been married just over 2 years and we had 2 babies 11 months apart) he has been forced to grow up and he's blaming it on me. He's always claimed to be a family man and has a huge family to support him but, I think he misses his waking up @ 11am and going to work, coming home spending hours on the internet, and being a leisure to go out whenever he wants. He's called me every name in the book and in front of our 5 year old. (she's mine from my first marriage) I'd trade in all my hurt to keep our family together becuase I know what divorce was like before and I'm terrified of it happening again. He, on the other hand just wants me to leave. He won't separate...or he won't leave the house I should say. And if I leave, and take the kids to my sisters or something...he says I've kidnapped them. I don't want to use them as weapons, I'm just trying to escape this hostile environment. He is emotionally, verbally abusive and my spirit is broken. We've gone to 2 sessions of marriage counseling, to which he's just numb and feeling not wrong in anything he does.

Should I start seeing a lawyer, what do I do about leaving the house? Is taking my kids to my sisters with me kidnapping? I'm so lost and afraid of making the wrong decision.

I feel this is abuse, but am I exaggerating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 5:26pm
Hi vlynn,,you can always file a restraing order on him and then he cant come near you and then file for divorce...you can read my life problems right now on the other board called "I think im finally getting out" or something similar...good luck,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 2:29pm
It's difficult to tell if he really wants you to leave or if this is a tactic to control you. Most abusers go on and on about how their victim's make their lives miserable and they want out - but they do it as a way to maintain the upper hand and have all the power in the relationship. Then when the losers get left, they fall apart or become enraged. What he's doing is definitely abuse. I don't know what the domestic violence laws in your state are, but you should do some research and find out. Try http://www.womenslaw.org and click on your state. You could also go ahead and see an attorney just to get an idea of your rights in your state. He isn't going to be able to get you for kidnapping if you leave him and take the kids with you. Abusers try that tactic all the time, but leaving an abuser and taking kids with you isn't a crime. It's not like you're fleeing and going underground or something. People separate every day and take kids with them and they aren't jailed for it. Either way, you might want to start preparing for the end here. If he does want to dump his responsibilities, then he does. If he just wants to keep you in the weak position and terrified that he will walk, that's no way to live either. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 4:43pm

These replies are so helpful, thank you. At a time of such vulnerability and confusion it's hard not to break down and surrender just being scared of things getting worse. I really am glad to have found this board and I'm really appreciative of the advice and support.

Thanks,
V

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 5:50pm

If you're spirit is broken, that's the number 1 sign of abuse.