Spousal abuse from woman-need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2013
Spousal abuse from woman-need advice
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 10:14am

This is not about me.  It's about my best friend-46 year old man with 2 kids, ages 11 and 7.

He tried separating from her 3 times but each time, she came back, without his consent. (This last time, about a month ago, she lied to the landlady who added her name to his lease while he was at work.)

I know he desperately wants to leave her but just cannot do it. He tells me that he needs to save several thousand dollars before he is able to afford to move again plus he doesn't want to disrupt his kids' lives right now.  That is what he says....In the meantime, he is stressed to the max.

When I read the details on characteristics of an emotional abused husband, he met all the traits.  E.g., when this began, he told me that he was going to start stashing money aside in order to leave.  But somehow, the wife "accidentally" forgot to pay bills (she's too smart to accidentally forget something like that), forcing him to pay them or have service terminated.  That is one way to have him not able to save money.

He is not allowed to have any friends.  When I first met him, I thought, for such a nice guy, why doesn't he have any friends?  She checks his phone records to see who he calls and texts. The only way he and I can talk is by meeting in person, but that's hard to coordinate unless we do it by telepathic means. Since I have known him I have never seen him go out with friends.  The only places he seems to go are the grocery store or the gym or the park with his kids.

I had thought that the first thing he needs to do is to take the kids and leave.  (That is a very complicated story but basically only he is fit to be a parent.)  But I now realize that he is not strong enough, financially or emotionally.  I think he needs to speak to somebody male on dealing with this abuse.  I haven't told him yet but I know some social workers and am trying to find a male counsellor for him in order to help him strenghten up emotionally. (He might not even go because he'll be afraid his wife will find out.)

As for financially, that will also take some work. I think he needs to take some more control over the expenses and save up to leave her, even if it's tough right now. I haven't asked him any money questions since we are already dealing wih the topic of how to secretly converse with each other.

Anything else I could be doing? I told him last night that next time we chat, it has to be short and efficient, because he's nervous his wife will find out he's talking to other people.

Avatar for cmkarla
Registered: 01-03-2001
Tue, 02-25-2014 - 10:49am

HI and welcome to iVillage. I am so sorry that your post went unanswered for so long. How is your friend doing now?

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 10:24pm