The spouse of an abused man - insight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
The spouse of an abused man - insight?
3
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:45pm
My Dh, who is a really wonderful man, had a really horrible past. His father was a drug/alcohol/emotional/physical/sexual abuser. His mother wasn't much better. She's always been a self-created "victim" (currently she too is a drug addict and in her 50's). My DH is the oldest of 4, and all the childeren were abused to some degree.

It's been years since that and DH abhors what his father did to them, and has taken the opposite road all together (yeah DH! :) ). But the other siblings - well, they've taken thier own path and Dh has pretty much removed himself from thier lives, except for the youngest - his brother (my BIL).

DH and I are all the way across the US from his family, and I was raised in a great household, and my parents are located right in the same city. DH does call them "mom and dad" now! LOL

DH and I have no childern and he's agreed to go to counseling before we consider that step in our lives more seriously.

Things were going swimmingly until his father has decided to (after a 10+ year absense) to get back into thier lives.

Now, even I said "maybe he's cleaned up". That was before I heard that FIL was calling up his daughters (my 2 SILs) and talking about meeting up with them. He really wanted pictures of them in a bikini to see what "sexy young ladies" they've grown into...YUCK!

Well, BIL has talked to FIL often. FIL insists he has a business and wants someone in the family to leave it to. It's all very seductive to a young man who's trying to get out from under his also-abusive mother's thumb.

All this has stirred up some things for my DH that he'd rather have left forgotten.

Is anyone here the spouse of an abused person? I've been supporting him the best I can, but I do worry about him from time to time. DH has broken ties with his sisters (he's minimally in thier lives) due to some decisions they have made, and he's severed ties with his mother (due to her drug addiction and her asking US for money for it- which we of course don't have and wouldn't give to her if we did). If there is anyone out there, how do you handle it?

It's irritating to me to see his family do this to him. It reminds me of this scenerio. You're in a room with your loved one and a close family member comes in and starts poking him/her with a tiny pin, just so much that the hole bleeds, over and over and over again. Your loved one is hurt and tells them to stop, but they don't. Don't you just wanna reach over and make them stop? I know it sounds silly, but that's what it reminds me of!

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:34pm
Bumping in hopes of a reply.

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:56pm
I'm so sorry that your husband has gone through so much. My sister's roommate is also an adult male that was abused during childhood. I just found this link that may be a helpful contact to a group. It is http://www.napac.org.uk/news/publications/leafletnew.pdf

I'm so sorry that I don't have much information. I do know that your husband is a lucky man to have someone who cares so much about him. I'm so happy for you that he has been strong and gone in a direction that most of his family has avoided. That's wonderful!

-Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:49pm
Well... My knee jerk advice is to be VERY, VERY careful. It is admirable that you are so supportive. That said, I have doubts that anyone can come out of a childhood you describe, which sounds very similar to my H's, without some serious, serious dysfunction and issues. I spent the early part of my 8-year marriage saying how amazing it is that my H could grow up like that and be somewhat normal. I found over time that he really isn't. He is abusive and at the same time so completely "shrinking violet" that he can't really function in a relationship or as an adult. Holding jobs has been a challenge. His reactions to conflict or problems is completely abnormal. His logic is flawed beyond belief. In the beginning, when we were both young, I thought his behavior was a facet of our age. It isn't. In every way, he has the mentality of a 3-year-old abused child. His ambition amounts to this: If someone isn't beating the crap out of me, everything is wonderful.

Anyway, I hope your H is different, but you really should keep an eye open for abberant behavior. Good luck to you.

MG