Spouse of an abused. Need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Spouse of an abused. Need help!
2
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:26pm
Does anyone have some input on how I can STAY SANE while visiting my in-law's this week? I've got a LOT of stress on my plate. My father is dying of liver failure and I'm flying over to see him and my little sister (VERY long story - which I'll spare you all but to say this, I'm adopted not from an abusive family or into an abusive family). That's the main reason for our journey from San Diego, CA to Boston, MA this Thursday through Sunday. However, DH's family lives in the area and he hasn't seen them for about 3 years (they won't save up to fly out and see us though they are THRILLED we'll be in the area). Here's a little background on who we'll be seeing:

1) MIL (a very weak woman who has made herself the victim many times over with a string of abusive men and reletionships. Until she recently got custody of my nephew-in-law, she was a cigarett smoking, marijuana abusing woman living off the "system" via unfair child support. She's NEVER held a job and always relied on the men in her family to support her (even if those "men" are her sons). She's currently cleaned up her act and though I'm highly allergic to cigarett smoke, I'm proud she's cleaned up and almost looking forward to seeing her again. She did physicially abuse my DH when he was a child. The only way she stopped was by him getting too big and threatening to hit her back if she ever hit him again. Since then, she ended her physically abusive behavoir)

2) BIL (Used to live with MIL, but hated it, so moved in with FIL. FIL and MIL have been divorced for 15+ years due to his physical, emotion, sexual, and substance abuse problems. MIL and FIL still play this ridiculous chess game of trying to turn the kids "against" one of the parents. It's really stupid. BIL is in his 20's and is now learning that his dad's promises were empty and the guy is a jerl. He wants to move back in with MIL, but he can't hold down a job becuase he either quits or causes a fight and gets fired less than 3 months into it. Has no ambition/aspirations. Has a GED and has been like this for years.)

3) Youngest SIL and her husband (Both turned out to be skin heads...'nough said. Anyone who can hate that passionately scares me.)

4) Older SIL and her husband (SIL also gets in a string of bad reletionships, with men who sexually abuse her son. Her son has been taken away and given to MIL for "safe keeping" pending an allegation of abuse made by the 5 year old boy about his mom's husband. Also, there is an investigation into the husband possibly being or supplying information as a terrorist back to his own country - Turkey. All I'll say here is that anything is possible and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. SIL tried to ruin our wedding 3 years ago and has proven herself to be a liar and all around trouble maker. I'll put it this way: She knew her son was doing really well living with his grandmother. His grades were coming up. He wasn't wetting the bed. When the social workered asked him if he wanted to go back home, he said no, that he was afraid of his mom and his mom's husband. So SIL buys a cat, knowing that the little boy has always wanted one, but she never let him have one. She tells him about the cat just so he'll say he wants to come home. She has also verbally threatened anyone in the family if they testify against her, saying that her husband has "connections" and she'd hate for someone to get into an "accident".)

5) Nephew in law/DH's godson (5 year old boy stuck in the middle of everything, already showing signs of emotional trauma due to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse by his parents)

So you can see why I'm dreading it a little, I hope! :P I'm looking forward to seeing my nephew in-law, but other than that, I could go without. DH has assured me that if any drama pops up, he'll make eye contact with me and nod and that will mean we're leaving. This trip is really for my dying father and we can't get into the middle of this drama. We are hoping that FIL doesn't show up. He's threatened to break both my husband's legs when he next sees him - and says all the abuse didn't happen (liar liar pants on fire).

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:10pm

Oh, boy.


I know when I dealt with my drama queen XMIL (which is where the abuse started in that family), I just kept my mouth shut and when I did talk I was nothing but polite.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:41pm
LOL I love that.... the "outlaws"....How my DH turned out pretty normal, I'll never know. He learned what NOT to do, not what TO do, from his dad, and funnels his negative energies in a positive way (martial arts). Though my DH has never been abusive towards me, we've talked and agreed that he'll get some counseling before we start TTC (which won't be for a little while anyway - probably a yearish) just for my peace of mind (since his whole family is wacked out).

Thanks for the advice! I suggested, actually, to avoid a scene that we all meet some where semi-public (and where I wouldn't have to be a 2nd hand smoker all day), like a restaurant or something. It would be good for us since she lives in a horrible neighborhood and there is no parking near her building. It's a rental car we'll be driving and I really don't want to risk anything happening to it (like getting it ripped off). But he says MIL really wants to "show off" her apartment (which the government is paying for so it can't be THAT good IMHO) and have everyone meet there so it can be more intimate and they can be themselves. They've always felt uncomfortable out in public (I wonder why - not).

Sorry if the sarcasim offends anyone. I just can't help it. :)

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr