Square 1 - yet again
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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 10:12am |
I feel like I'm back at square one. I STILL, yes I know, I should be able to see this by now, doubt things and question things. So here again is something that happened that I would like thoughts on.
Last night I was filling a form out on line, H was sitting beside me. I had to choose title, as in Mr., Mrs., Ms., of Miss. I chose MS. He flew out of the room asking if I wanted to go back to my other name. I said no. He grabs the dictionary and looks up Ms. and reads it - "used instad of Miss or Mrs. (as when the marital sataus of a woman is unknown or irrelevant)" and tossed the book on the chair - I said - I didn't know it meant that - I just thought it meant eihter or and I like the way it sounds better. He went out the door. I stood for a second then went after him.
Still saying I thought it only meant either or!
He said your smarter than that
I said yes, I'm not stupid, but I didn't know it meant that.
He sat there, in the car. I stood there outside the car with the door open. Looking at him. He said - I have to go get gas. I stood there. He sat there.
He said - do we need anything at the store.
I stood there. Finally I said no we're all set.
He said - I have to get gas.
I closed the door and he left. Got back about 15 minutes later. I'm upset, not bawling, but crying on the bed - why? In my mind, I'm mad at myself for lying to him. I don't want to be married to him. I want to be called Ms. And I hate that I can't say these things to him because HE will be upset.
He goes to take a shower. Hasn't said anything to me yet. After a couple minutes - stupid me gets up, cause I can't handle the tension, and go into the bathroom. I tell him again I didn't mean it that way.
He says - I know, I shouldn't have reacted that way. I'm sorry.
Now - everything is nicey nicey.
Except I feel like crap. Why can't I stand up for me and my feelings and wants? Why do I cave in to make sure HE is ok? It's not wonder that I hate myself at times. I wouldn't like someone who treated me the way that I treat myself. I don't get it. I KNOW that I deserve differently - why can't I ACT that way?
So - was this abuse? manipulation? control?
Please any thoughts, comments or reactions are extremely welcome.
thanks,
ples

Mama Harmony