Stay? Go? Waffling and external pressure

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Stay? Go? Waffling and external pressure
5
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:22am
ARGH! I can't seem to make up my mind what to do. H has been abusive off an on throughout 9 year relationship. Never been beat, but scared, threatened, pushed, things thrown at me. Gaps in between are long, many months, enough for me to forget and think things will get better. Of course there is always something else that turns him into super jerk for a while. Now 10yo DS is turning nasty. Has no respect for either of us. Screams at me. Won't listen to H, probably because I have had to intervene throughout the years in H's "discipline." I know it's wrong to undermine another parent's authority in front of kids but when he is pushing, shoving, twisting arms or at the very least belittling and screaming in a little kid's face, what else am I supposed to do? Now H has night job, which I asked him not to take for schedule's sake, and he sleeps all day. Offered to put 4yo in daycare. He said not to. Two older kids come home from school and find him asleep and the 4 yo wandering around the house completely unsupervised. I called from work the other day at 9:30 p.m. on a school night and my 10yo tells me "Dad is asleep, won't get up and we haven't had dinner." I left town one weekend and H sleeps in and DD misses the bus and he refuses to get up and take her to school. None of this recent stuff includes the fact that H has behavior of a 16yo and hasn't shown any signs of changing in 9 years. I am 30 yo and have been parenting a teenager since I was 21. At least that is what it feels like. I think our relationship must be a bit odd, because I make all the decisions, I am the one with the professional career, I handle all the money because he doesn't know how, I deal with all of the kids' school stuff.

When I write it all down it sounds horrible. Why am I waffling? Beliefs about marriage. Now my parents have caught on that we are having some sort of "marital difficulties" and my mom is giving me all kinds of advice on how worthwhile it is to stay married and how we should "work it out" and how I will be glad we did. Of course she has no idea about what the problems really are and I would rather not air all of my dirty laundry to her.

And the thought of divorcing makes me sad. I worry about H too if we split. When we met he was unemployed and living on a friend's couch. I don't think he knows how to take care of himself. I would really just like for things to be normal and happy. But he will not talk about any of the issues. I try to sit down with him and talk about what I think needs to happen to fix things. He has to get counseling and cannot neglect the kids any more. Seems like a reasonable request. But he just gets pissed and says I had better find daycare within a week because he'll be gone. Then when I am completely sad and weeping because he just refuses to acknowledge any responsibility in all this, he'll be nice and say he doesn't want a divorce.

Am I off my rocker or what? I have told my good friend about all this and she, who basically doesn't believe in divorce, has said I should hightail it ASAP. I feel like I am being selfish if I leave. Only worrying about my needs. Not keeping in line with the "for better or for worse" part.

Maybe some dialogue would help. Counseling? I don't know. Though there has been abuse in the last 6 months, I don't feel abused at this moment. Would feel weird going calling the women's shelter for a referral. Frustrated? Yes. Unhappy? Yes. Also doesn't help that I live in a town of about 80,000 and have a job that puts me very much in the public eye. LOTS of people know who I am and anonymity is just not going to happen.

OK, I'll stop. No need to turn the novella into a full-length novel. Any thoughts all?

MG



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:07am
Well, my main thought on all of this is not that your H doesn't know how to take care of himself, it's that he is irresponsible, lazy and wants somebody to wait on him hand and foot. He will never take care of himself as long as you're there to do it, and as long as you're married to him, you wil have to. The best thing that could happen to you if you divorced him is that you will have one less child to take care of - I did.

Hugs,

Jackie

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:34am
Hi, mgnorth, and welcome. You've come to the right place for information and support. Be sure to visit the resource center. There are links to it in the upper right hand corner of the opening page for this board. You will find a wealth of information and resources to help you in making the decisions you need to make in order to help your family.

So often victims of abuse choose to stay with their abuser because they feel that it is in the best interests of their children to do so. This is probably one of the biggest misconceptions we have, when in fact, staying with an abuser does MUCH more harm to the children than leaving. YOur son is a prime example of this. However, there is hope and help available if you are willing to take the steps to break the cycle. In some ways you are in an excellent position to make the break in that you are not isolated from the financial assets and are already making the living for your family. This by no means diminishes the awful things that you are having to deal with. It's understandable that you are concerned about the information about your personal life getting out in public, especially in a city the size of yours. Nope, it will not be kept "secret" and yes there will be talk, but you know what, you will survive and probably come out on top as the courageous woman you are. And chances are there will be people you never expected to find out have suffered from abuse will come forward and support you. DA is, sadly, very rampant in our society and it affects every strata of it from the richest to the poorest, from the most anonymous to the most famous (Whitney Houston comes to mind right away).

YOu mention that you are worried about how your husband will do if you do choose to split. It will be hard but the fact is that your husband chooses to behave in the way he does. VEry often, even though abusers "appear" to be the stronger, they are not. They are weak, self-centered, frightened and insecure. In no way should you blame yourself for his behavior because he has made the choice to behave as he does. You must do what is right for yourself and for your children. Very often, children grow up to become abusers themselves (males) or the victims of abusers (females) because this is what they have experienced all their lives and to them, this is considered normal. Do you really want to take this chance with your children? Stop wasting your breath trying to talk to your husband. As is typical with most abusers, he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and will do everything to place the blame for the problems on you. Even with counselling and I mean intensive long term one-on-one counselling, most abusers simply do not change. The whole motivation behind domestic abuse is power over and control of another person and abusers feed off of the sense of power and control they achieve by abusing. It's almost like a drug to them and they don't want to give it up. Abuse almost always escalates. The fact that your children are pretty much left unsupervised while their dna donor sleeps during the day while you are at work should be a source of great concern.

Yes, divorcing is sad, even when divorcing an abuser, because it signals the death of dreams of a happy home and a future together. YOu also mention the "for better or worse" part of your marriage vows. I, too, took those vows very seriously, as have many other posters here. Consider this: The very first time your husband emotionally and/or mentally abused you he broke those vows. I sense in your post that some of your hesitation to kick this loser to the curb comes from the religious beliefs with which you were raised and possibly still hold. YOur mother, while well meaning, should be told exactly what is going on. Perhaps then she will understand better and stop advising to you "work things out". This message coming from her, at this point, is only confusing you more. In order for our families to provide support and understanding they need to hear all the "dirty laundry". There is no shame in being a victim of domestic abuse. There is no failure in leaving a marriage whose covenant was broken the first time your husband abused you. Do yourself and your kids a tremendous favor and break this cycle before it affects them even more. Go to the resource center, contact your local domestic abuse shelter and learn all you can about the dynamics of abuse, because it is with this knowledge that you will gain the power you need to reclaim a peaceful, happy life for yourself and your kids.

And don't worry about long posts here. They are very common and if it helps you to get what you need to out there and get input, post away. I just wrote a novella myself, but there were many issues to address to you and sometimes that just can't be done in a few sentences. Most importantly, educate yourself so that you can make the right decisions for yourself and your family. Take care and God Bless. Mama Harmony

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:14pm
I definatly did not want my children to come from a broken home. I grew up in a very happy home and had a wonderful childhood. My home was two parents together and very loving and caring of each other. However..my children can come from a happy home too...just not with mom and dad living in the same home. I really had myself a mess about what was best for my children. I often thought what is better...is it better for my children to been in a home with mom and dad both there..but dad treating mom like crap and mom and dad fighting constantly..or is better for them to live in a home WITHOUT mom and dad living under the same roof..but mom and dad at somewhat of a peace and happy..with alot less tension in the home. I chose the later.

Last week Dr. Phil said something on one of his shows that really made me feel alot better about my decision. He said, "It is better for children to COME from a broken home then for children to be LIVING in a broken home."

Made sense to me!

Maybe that gives you something to think about.

Take care and don't consider yourself in being selfish when you look at your options. You need to look after yourself and your family. That's NOT being selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:57pm
Hello,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. Here are a few points that might help:

You are in a small town and you are high profile. Ok, those that love you will understand, those that don't, they don't matter.

Yes you are enabling him wanting to or not.

He neglects the kids and when you mention counseling he says "Find a daycare cause he'll be gone!?" Does that not tell you the true depth of his love for you or the kids? It does me and I don't even know him.

Ok, the question of marriage in general.

Secular: Two people who truly love each other and want to make a life together equally contributing what they can. (My wife and I have different abilities and we know it and we do what we can, each)

Religeous: See above and I am not being funny.

In the Bible, the word used to denote a married couple, in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic means "Two people, equally responsible, side by side, reaching for a common goal." I think that says it all. Oh and the part of the vow "What God has joined together, key noo one put asunder"...God did not join everyone, we are responsible for our decisions and we get free will. Yes, there are marriages made in Heaven just as there are two people who make mistakes.

Do this, always want what is best for YOU and YOUR children first. He should have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:30pm
Hello,

I'm new to this message board, and honestly just started looking into all this myself, but I see some parallels between some of parts of your story and mine (though others are quite different- my son's only 2, for instance), so I thought I'd add a couple thoughts, for whatever they're worth. It might even be that looking at the replies to your message can help me.

First, I'm sorry for what's happening in your family and for the indecision you sound like you're feeling--I'm feeling it too, and it's hell. I also live in a relatively small community with a fairly high profile job (so does he) and the thought of getting my husband to move out or me leaving and dealing with the social aftermath makes me tired. And sad. And kind of ashamed. I can't believe it's come to this- it doesn't seem real that this is my life.

I think that the other people who've answered you have been talking with one another and researching abuse are clearer on this than I am, and it seems like they're telling you to leave. I'm waffling too, but when I hear people telling you to leave, it feels right. It feels right even as I recognize the difficulties you'll face and that I'll face too if I do the same thing. It may be messy, but I really do believe that nothing is going to change until a major break is made by you. Why should he do anything different? Also, once you have a certain dynamic set, it's hard to break out of the pattern without changing something major (actually, it sounds as though people are saying that this particular pattern almost never changes, which is really depressing).

About the worry of public exposure: What a good friend of mine was telling me (I just started talking to her about my situation tonight and I have NO IDEA why I kept quiet for so long) is that yes, people will talk. But also that most people have a limited attention span for gossip, so the next story will move them along to talking about something else, and that also, friends and help/support may emerge from unexpected places. I have a hunch it's uglier than that for a while, but I do think she's got a point.

One other point in your favor is that it sounds like you've lived in the community for a while. I'm in the unfortunate situation that we just moved here, and while I know some folks because I worked with them from my previous location, I have no close friends nearby. So if you're already established, some people at least will know you as a person and form their opinion with other information about you already in their heads. I may be in the position of people's first knowledge of me (besides knowing 'of' me from that high-ish profile part) being that I left my husband, and whatever else he decides to say about me.

I'm going to try to put my own novella together, because my husband is out of town and I can do this for as long as I can stay awake. I'd like to hear what advice people might have for me.

Take care and good, good luck in getting clarity and doing what needs to be done,

C