Stay for security or go it as Single Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Stay for security or go it as Single Mom
11
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 6:09pm
Hi there, new to this board..Here's me dilemma:
Ive been married 10 yrs, have 2 kids under 8 yrs old.Been with husb for over 11 yrs though. His son (my stepson) is a teen now and moved in w/us again..first time since he was 9 yrs old Ive lived with him..Have no relationship at all w/him..My husb has his 2nd DUI coming up...will get ankle bracelet to monitor him and have to take random BAC's for one year per the court, plus Alcohol Classes, etc...Was debating to myself and friend and one brother if I should file for divorce before all this starts,,because once he has the ankle bracelet on, I would have hard time getting him to leave,I want to stay in our home with our 2 kids., he would have to leave w/ his son...Anyone ever been here before? Im in my mid 30's and should know what to do, have neither parent any longer and hardly any family..My oldest child is diabetic and between that and husb. drinking,,and his temper and such,,Im really tired of it ..could care for my two kids without the stress of him and his son...He makes the money,,,I only work PT and am thinking of going back to school soon,,,He has never hit me,,but punched the wall over my pillow in bed and knocked a cup out of my hand, thrown remote control into wall, etc..But wonder if this will escalate over time? Any advice or comments would be very helpful..sorry so long..Thank you, God Bless,,,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:42am

Hi there (this is a long post, my first one in 3 years)

I am also going through the same dilemma as you, the only difference being that I am svery ure my husband is abusive (emotionally, not physically, except for 1 minor episode).
As a matter of fact, the last time I posted on this website, 3 years ago, I was already very convinced

After that, he suddenly realized I was planning to leave, and got scared, and then immediately stopped (literally within a few days) his crazy, unprovoked outbursts.

So I thought, let me give him a chance, and he said he'd work on it, etc. So I let 1 year go by, with lots of ups and downs, and lots of 'honeymoon periods' in between where he was trying to be more considerate & sweet.

So I said, "Hey, he's trying, maybe he'll change" so we planned to have a baby. As soon as I got pregnant, his temper gradually started going out of control, and many many times when I was preg he would yell and scream for no reason, then blame it on some small thing or on the fact that I was a little moody (due to my hormones). Even on the day my son was born he found some reason to get anry with me.

Anyway, we now have a beautiful 1 yr-old boy who is the light of my life. But DH has been (as usual) losing his temper for the smallest things, sometimes every other day. Usually he looks to pick a fight (by saying or doing something he knows will push my buttons, then when I get annoyed he says "why are you getting impatient? Why can't you talk nicely" and then uses that as an excuse to yell at the top of his voice and not stop until I (yes I, not he) gives up and says sorry

So, I realize now that it is the same behaviour, just coming back in a different way. He knows that his past "absolutely crazy" outbursts (which were worse by a factor of 10 compare do this) have been labeled as "abuse", so now he tries to couch it in a different way, and frame it so that I am the one who looks bad.

I can't believe how disgusting he is, he even PLANS crazy conversations in which he picks a fight until I can't keep my calm anymore, then when I get mad he calls ME abusive!!

So I am back wondering what to do, the big difference now is that there is an innocent child involved.
What impact would it have on my son if I left? What will happen if I stay? I have no idea what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 3:46pm
Hi, I just wanted to write back and let you know Im sorry for what you are going thru..I am also in the same boat still,,we just had our Anniversary last week, and we are kind of in a "honeymoon period" as well..Had a date just the two of us and had a sitter for our two kids...He's being really nice now,,and in about a week he will no longer be able to drink, because of his DUI sentence. He will have random BAC's done to see if he is drinking, so he may not be in such a mood to fight anymore, or he may have withdrawals, as one friend told me and get REALLY moody..so who knows, but school is starting soon and I am so busy I just decided to see what happens during this time and play it one day at a time,,That's great you have your son in your life now..but remember his little mind is forming greatly until about 3 yrs old...that is when they develop their personality, etc..Hopefully it wont be changed by your husb..If you ever think it is affecting him and his behavior,,then Its time to do something..My kids act out more when me and husb are not getting along,, kids are smart and can tell when things are "different" . Keep in touch and let me know how u are doing..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 5:37pm

Hi Ladies,
I'll tell you what impact it will have on your son....HE'LL become the abuser towards his wife/children..... it's a cycle and it HAS GOT TO BE BROKEN!!!! In 2004 I filed for divorce...14 yrs of marriage with an emotionally,verbally abusive alcoholic husband...a master manipulator and controller. He too was explosive. very typical crazy making behavior, picking fights and making ME look like the abusive one. I have 3 kids under 11 yrs old. I got counseling, got a lawyer, and dumped the loser. He got the house (buyed me out) and I built a wonderful (albeit smaller) house on the other side of town. I feel safe, my kids are back to being normal kids (he started abusing our young son)and I have found the love of my life..a kind caring supportive man.
What I'm saying is this....
Possessions are just "things".
Happiness and safety are the most important.
"Things" are not happiness

I had to go back to work full time after being a stay at home mom (worked part time)
My career is taking me to wonderful places. The moral here is this....go with your gut, just go with it. If you know that it's not right...fix it. It may be hard for awhile and so very very scary but if you follow the right path (and if you believe in God...pray to guide you)EVERYTHING WILL FALL RIGHT INTO PLACE....A VERY GOOD PLACE.
God bless you
If you need to vent or write, respond to this post with your e-mail and I'll contact you.
A
If you need assistance contact your local domestic violence shelter...they can get you started. assemble your army and go to battle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 8:31pm

Hi ellenrose64,
Thank you for contributing your thoughts and experience, I really need to figure out what to do and not keep going back and forth in my head what is right to do..Ill try to make this short,
My husb got a DUI last Oct. and had court a few days ago for sentencing,,I got to be there luckily to hear first hand,,much to his dismay,,he tried to hand me his sunglasses and pointed to a bench outside the courtroom for me to wait on, but I followed him in w/his atty..and told him dont worry, I wont say anything,,but anyway,

His sentence is this: 2 yrs probation and 60 days at a half-way house type of thing, and community service..well on the day he heard this he already bought his way out of the community service and now all he has to do is make a donation in the form of baby strollers, cribs, diapers , etc,up to a certain dollar amt. He thought he would get an ankle bracelet again like he had a few yrs ago (6) . But they opted for the half-way house.So, every night by 7 pm he has to check into this place to sleep on a cot, then can go to work the next day..(7 days a wk for 60 days!) He also has to attend alcohol classes at $25/a class..He can easily afford this because he is the owner of his own business w/his friend and doing VERY well..Problem is we have 2 kids together , ages 8 and 5 and what to tell them? Im not going to lie for him,,he needs to tell them whatever he is going to say..AND..his son, my stepson who is 15 is back living w/us as of June of this yr..I have not lived w/him since he was 9 and we have no relationship,,he doesnt even talk to me hardly..He came back to us first last Aug..because his grandparents moved to FLA,,so dumped him back on us.WEll, he was failing 9th grade, and getting in lots of trouble and making up stories, etc..so husb wanted to send him to military school in another state, so he went there from Jan to May of this yr,,well 2 wks before he would get out of school there and then get to see his grandparents in Fla for 3 wks, he took a bunch of pills some boy gave him there, and passed out,,had to be taken by ambulance to a hosp, stomach pumped, etc..then wanted to finish 9th grade, so he went back and finished..He stayed 3 wks in Fla, then flew to us..My husb promised just for the summer and then back to military school, but now refuses to send him back bcuz of pill incident..so Now he is stuck in our basement, no friends, no life hardly and now what?
But anyway, what I dont know what to do is this..should I file for divorce while he is in halfway house and get restraining order, Im scared he would be livid and come into house and cause a scene, etc..In my mind I would do that and call his grandparents who are in town for 2 months and tell them to come get my step son and by the way their son is spending his nights in a halfway house for his 3rd DUI..(They know nothing about this);;;
What should I do???
Sorry so long,,but really confused and torn...STaying here is financially stable and kids would have their dad, but Im so tired of his drinking beer EVERY night..and wonder if I should just go it alone ??and just have my two kids..he can take his son,,he's not a good example to him...
PLEASE HELP w/any advice....Ive already talked w/ an atty a few wks ago and he said I would more than likely get to keep the house which I want(across from my kid's school)and get pretty good maintenance and child support, but im so scared to do this....my email is CC-862@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 1:49pm

First and foremost, your husband is an alcoholic who obviously has no interest in recovery and getting sober.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:22pm

Hello! I'm a survivor of an abusive marriage. Can I ask you this, how do you feel with him? Are you afraid?

Here's a website that I'd recommend: www.mysistersplacedc.org.

Please let us know how you're doing.

Best Regards,

Blessed Girl

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:08pm

To Kim and blessedgirl--

Thanks for writing back to me..To answer blessedgirl's question, how do I feel with him? am I afraid?...There are times now when I am afraid of him and scared to maybe say something that might set him off when he has had a few beers. He is twice my weight and almost 6 feet tall, so I do get scared sometimes, though he has never physically hurt me, but come close..Last fall right before his son was to come to our house to stay for the first time since he was 9 yrs old(He's 15 now), we were talking in our bed at night at bedtime and the subject of his son came up, and he got really angry and threw his pillow at my head, then another time he punched a hole in the wall right over my pillow(We have no headboard), Well just recently before his son came home from military school, we were in the living room and I was sitting on the sofa with a plastic cup resting on the armrest in my hand and he was sitting to the right of me in a lazyboy, he got angry and got up and stood next to me and slapped my cup out of my hand and it went flying behind me and hit the wall and spilled everywhere..then he left on foot for 2 hrs,,(He has no license at this time) ,,so there have been a few close calls and I feel I am on eggshells around him alot,,
Anyway,,sorry so long,,Im just trying to figure out how to do all this..He goes to orientation on Aug 23(our kids first day of school, mind you) for his halfway house , and they will tell him when he can start his sentence. (60 nights staying there starting at 7pm every night til 6 am every AM) He has to check in each night and sleep on a cot or something there, so I should have plenty of more time to figure this all out, I hope.

I have already spoken with an atty. a few wks ago,(my brother went w/me for moral support) He told me I'd have a really good chance of keeping our house and getting pretty good child support and maintenance. I planned on taking a class when school starts, and the atty said he would prob. have to pay for my education as well, so that is good.

Yes, my dad was an alcoholic, Kim , I think u asked me that..He died 2 yrs ago of a heart attack. I was just getting really close w/him since he was my only parent..(my mom committed suicide when I was preg with my 1st child..(They were divorced when I was 7)So I dont have alot of family, and dont get along w/his parents really now either (because of his son)..(long story) So my brother and a few good friends are all I really have for support.
Does this really sound as bad as I think? Ive been in the situation for awhile, so kind of numb to it I think, Do I really need to end it while he is in halfway house and have him served then? I would get a RO on him then too, I think, because afraid what he would do the next AM when he could come home..Please write back w/any more advice, Im grasping for straws at this point..HELP..thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:48pm

Hello, Tigermom268!

Thank you for your post, I'm sorry about my delayed response.

Please take my advice for what it's worth. I'm a dv survivor, unfortunately, I'm not a counselor. I'm basing this advice on what you're writing, and my own experience with d/v.

I'm concerned for you. My rule of thumb is a person shouldn't be afraid of an intimate partner. Walking on eggshells is also a concern, it's a tough way to live. (I used to feel like I was on eggshells alot. The tension is unbelievable. They don't really say much, but you get the vibe, as it were.

I'm also concerned because he's done things like slap the cup out of your hand(if I'm understanding you correctly)and threw a pillow at your head, in anger. To me, this is intimidation. It sounds to me that he's got an anger problem.

I encourage you to check out the my sister's house website. I'd be glad to send you the link if you don't have it. It has alot of d/v info.

How do you feel about ending it?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:38pm
Thank you blessedgirl for your response,,I am to this day so torn as to what to do, I am still feeling a tension between us, and still scared to maybe say something that might "start him up" and start a yelling match. School starts next wk, my daughter in Kindergarten and son in 3rd grade..My lovely stepson will be in 10th at the high school he was failing out of before my husband sent him to Military school for the second half of 9th grade..(so excited to have him back in our house,,NOT!)Thats a whole other subject there..He hardly talks to me at all and is now acting to me how my husbands parents treat me..He spent the whole weekend w/his uncle and his grandparents who in here visiting from out of town..and came home Sun night, last night, and after his grandpa dropped him off, he goes down to the basement where his "room" is..(it is an unfinished basement and he has trashed it) then when my husb goes upstairs to shower, my stepson comes up to get a pop out of the fridge, and I say"HI", and he barely says "HI" back,,so I say "What, you dont talk anymore?" and he says "No" and I say "well, you live here under our roof with all of us, so you CAN talk to me, OK?" and he says "OK", and then I say, "just dont be a jerk, you CAN talk to me " and he says OK and goes downstairs..I later tell my husb about this , just so he knows, and tell him "I am NOT going to live like this, He can talk to me" and he just says "I agree" and thats about all he has to say about it..so between not getting along w/stepson (who has caused many prob here since he came here last fall), and my husb.'s 3rd DUI,,and his parents treating me like crap, Im sometimes thinking , IM DONE, I would rather live here in this house w/just my kids and have a peaceful existence, but then on other hand, I dont work (just one day a wk now) and husb has own business, very financially stable, wants to invest in more real estate w/me, (houses to flip and sell, etc.) and dont want to take kids dad away from them, but dont feel the same around him like I used to..My best friend dropped by yest to give my daughter a b-day gift, and she said later she could feel a "tension" in the air and felt our house was a little different,,meanwhile husb wants to plan a wkend getaway next weekend before he starts his halfway house sentence, and has been being really extra nice to me , helping me around house, etc,and also bought me a really nice, bigger ring a few wks ago to celebrate our 10th anniv..when we went out to dinner, he gave it to me, and he got to have his new ring we picked out for him as well, so its like Im living a double life now and he has no idea what's going on in brain, but does seem to have some idea something is different, by his actions,,so Im so torn........
Any advice from anyone is very welcome now...I would like to have the website for my sisters house that you were talking about Blessedgirl,,thank u so much..
sorry so long,,just need to get it all out there and see if anyone thinks Im crazy to stay or if I should just call it quits..and talk w/husb or just have him served when he is in halfway house one night(That would be a big shock to him)..so please help,,,anyone ..thank you,,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:49pm

Hello, Tigermom:

Thank you for your posting! The website I'm thinking of is www.mysistersplacedc.org.

I'm sorry that you've got so much to contend with. I can imagine that you're torn, this is tough stuff. You have alot to think about. The step-son sounds like quite a handful. Your in-laws are tough to deal with as well, it sounds like. How do they mistreating you?
(If I ask something which is not cool, please let me know. I'll mind my own beeswax.LOL I'm trying to understand the entire situation, please pardon my questions)

It's concerning me that this is your husband's third DUI. It sounds to me like he's got a drinking problem. If that's the case, he's not stable. He's out of control, it seems to me. It sounds like his business is doing well, for now. He's talking about a real estate deal with you, and so forth. Unfortunately, someone who has a substance abuse problem doesn't really run their life. I'm sorry to say.

As far as taking his kids from their dad, I'd like to share with you some of my mom's experiences. Her father had a drinking problem, and was abusive towards her mother. However, he wasn't abusive towards my mom, nor to her brother. However, my mom witnessed domestic abuse for years. She felt like she had to watch her mom all of the time, so that he couldn't get at her. She had these experiences as a young girl. She is now 73, and still has bad memories/flashbacks about it.

You mentioned that you're not working much, right now. Maybe you could get another job? Or maybe, increase your hours there? I know how you feel. I remember thinking,..if I stay one more month, my bills will be paid.. The financial aspect is really a problem. However, when I finally left my ex-husband, I only made $40.00 per week. (I was in professional school, and worked part-time) I stayed with friends, and family for awhile. Then, I graduated a got a good job.

He's being really nice now, it sounds like. However, that can change without warning. That could be the "honeymoon" period. For example, my ex-husband prepared a nice meal for Valentine's Day, and asked me if everything was perfect. He couldn't have been any nicer, that day. However, a month later I had to leave him, because he attacked me. I've read that there is a honeymoon period, a tension period, then an explosion. The website will explain a bit better.

You have more courage than you realize. Take one day at a time, and all will be well. I'd like to know what you think...

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

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