staying away this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
staying away this time
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:43am
i began to recognize the cycle a few months ago. we both knew this had to stop if there was anyway to save this relationship. he went away for a few months and came back last week. it only took 6 days for the cycle to kick in again and i'm sitting here beatten and bruised as i write this to you all.

there have been so many times where i said this is it, or if this ever happens again. . .and of course it did. i knew i was going to have to leave 3 days into our "reconciliation" when he threw a glass across the room because he didn't like something i said. i should have left then, but of course he stopped me and convinced me to stay that he could control himself. i let him know that this is exactly how ithe cycle started before - throwing things, maybe a push or a shove, and then it was on. the cycle can last hours or days with this guy, and the loving period afterword lasts just as long.

my questions are these:

1) what is the part of me that even gives a sh*t anymore about him? i left early in the morning yesterday and he's tried to call 3 or 4 times and i got one email yesterday in the afternoon - so far. i am not answering when it is him and have no intension of replying to any of his email, but it's hard. . .REALLY HARD. i feel like i love him so much aside from the physical hell he puts me through which is completely unexceptable. what is this part of me that cries when i see that it's him calling and still wants to make everything ok? i need to understand.

2) why is it so easy for me to KNOW in my pounding, bruised head that i don't want this and i don't deserve this at all - and so hard for my heart to let go of this abusive crazy person? i know he's not going to change - not for lack of wanting to, but he obviously can't control himself - but i still want him to desperately. . . what is that about?

3) how does a wonderful intelligent and self sufficiant woman fall for this kind of bullsh*t in the first place? i wouldn't let anyone treat me the way he treats me sometimes and yet i still can't imagine my life without him (but of course without the abusive behavior).

i'm really afraid that i may succom to answering the phone calls or emails and get sucked back into this cycle again. i really don't want to - i don't want or need this kind of crap in my life. i want the fantasy of what our lives could have been like together if only he didn't beat me up everyonce in a while. . .i know that sounds stupid but i'm just trying to describe the feelings honestly in hopes of receiving some kind of honest help. words of wisdom are welcome. any thoughts or opinions are appreciated. i just need to hear from some women who are or have been in these kinds of situations to help me from feeling so alone right now. all my friends are trying to help, but they really don't fully understand the experience - today i've been describing it as "i love him to death, but i don't want to die."